Jekyll and Hyde

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And here I thought my son was going to be Sportacus for Halloween. Boy, was I wrong.

That’s the thing about temper tantrums. You never know when they’re coming or what will cause them, but when they hit, everyone knows it. Tonight, we took the children to Wal-Mart, where they were having a big Halloween party for kids, passing out candy, yada, yada.

Eli was fine all day, until we got there. I don’t know if he thought he was going to an actual party when we put him in his costume, and he was just really peeved when we stopped at the Wal-Mart or what. It started with, “Mommy! HOOOOOLD MEEEEE!” Even though Eli is skinny, he still weighs 36 pounds. That’s difficult to lug around the store. He refused to say trick-or-treat to any of the spooky Wal-Mart employees passing out candy, much less thank you.

I decided to go ahead and pick up milk as long as we were there. (We supermoms are always multi-tasking.) So Eric took the kids while I checked out. After I got done, they were waiting by the exit with Eli looking very pissed. I asked Eric what was wrong, and he said, “Let’s just go.” I asked Eli if he wanted to get a balloon first. His response? “NO!!”

Okay then. I carried him to the car, and it was about that time that he decided he did want a balloon. Eric said no, but I was desperately trying to avoid the temper tantrum I could see on the horizon. I picked Eli up and carried him back into the store to get a balloon. The poor customer service woman was trying to hand out balloons while helping a line of customers who looked very impatient that they chose to shop during the Halloween festival. She handed me a balloon, and I thanked her and turned to give it to Eli.

His response? “NO! NO! I DON’T WANT THAT ONE! I WANT THE ONE WITH THE JACK-O-LANTERN ON IT!” (Well, f*ck me - his had a bat on it.) This is about where I reached my limit. I carried him out to the car screaming that he wanted a different balloon. He cried and screamed all the way home, and then refused to come into the house. We left him in the car for about five minutes before we decided we needed to bring him in before the screaming and crying drew the attention of neighbors.

Eric drug him kicking and screaming into the house. I decided he was ready for bed, so I had to hold him down while Eric put his pajamas on. Apparently, I need to work on my holding skills because he did give Eric a good kick to the jaw. We put Eli in his room, and he continued to scream for a few minutes until he fell sound asleep.

Was he tired? Cranky? Or just possessed by evil spirits? Or possibly all of the above? For the love of all that is holy, I hope to God he is in a better mood tomorrow.

Halloween Extravaganza

Okay, I’ll just say it. I’m ready for Halloween to be over. I’m scary movied out. And the kids already have enough candy to put them into a week-long sugar coma.

Every year, my husband’s office has a big Halloween party for the kids. This year, he was in charge of it. He has been making crafts at home, and there have been popcorn hands multiplying by the dozen over the past week. But, my favorite craft has to be the milk carton skeletons:

So, Friday was the big party day! I dressed Eli up as Sportacus, and Georgia up as a fairy, and off we went:

Eric works in one of those big office towers, and I think there were four floors who had games for kids and people giving out candy. Eli loved playing all of the games, and Georgia discovered a little mummy statue, who I think she thought was an actual person. She kept going back to it and talking to it. Since her “talking” consists of a series of grunts and screeches, it was really quite adorable.

Anyway, we only made it through two floors. By then, the kids' little buckets were filled to the brim. The good thing about this is that they get to trick-or-treat safely inside, and on Halloween night when it’s dark outside and 30-something degrees, we only have to take them to a few houses. It works out perfectly.

In addition to that, Eli still has trick-or-treating to do at preschool. I am actually going to have to empty his bucket so he has room for more candy. Crap. We are going to be eating Halloween candy until next freaking Halloween!

Every year, we like to take the kids to a pumpkin patch to get the traditional photos, so that was on our agenda for this weekend. We don’t actually buy any pumpkins there, since we already got our pumpkins for $2 each at Wal-Mart. I think the pumpkin patches are starting to figure this out, as the one we usually go to has started charging $6 per person (including small children) for admission. WTF?!

So, instead of shelling out $24, we got creative. We went to our local nursery, which is in itself, huge. They had tons of pumpkins outside, so we parked the kids, and snapped a few picture. When they look at the pictures in 10 years, they will never realize they’re not at an actual pumpkin patch. And we did get some cute pictures:

including some great ones of the kids feeding the fish:

I can thank Eric for this great idea. I was ready to toss the kids in the big bin of pumpkins at Wal-Mart and snap a couple of photos before they threw us out.

Speaking of photos, how come all the pictures I take of the kids with Eric are perfect:

And all the photos of me with the children look like this:

*sigh*

I can’t seem to get any decent pictures of them together either. Eric always wonders why I pay so damn much money to take the kids to Portrait Innovations. Well, Portrait Innovations’ pictures look like this:

Mine look like this:

Enough said.

Updates and Pumpkin Bars

Happy Saturday, everyone! I always feel out of the loop when I go a day without blogging. Yesterday was so busy. My husband’s workplace had a huge Halloween party for the kids, and after that, I went straight to a Passions Party!

Yes, I’ve done it. I’m an official Passion Consultant. You’ll notice the change in logos on the right side of the page. I’m still selling the Discovery Toys, but let’s face it, people seem much more interested in the Passion Parties. I hope everyone will check out my new Web site. You might not want to click on the products section if you’re at work, but other than that, you should be fine. The shopping cart should be configured in a couple of days, and then people can purchase directly from my site.

Also, notice a few new entries to my blog roll that are long overdue – Macoosh, Momish, Hulai, Daphne, and Scribbit.

Just a quick update for now. But I have some great stories for everyone about the Halloween party and Georgia’s love affair with a miniature mummy, as well as the Passion Party I went to last night. It was a couple’s party with a bunch of cops and their wives. Ohhhh, this is going to be a fun job.

Today, I am desperately trying to recover from a sinus infection that has knocked me on my ass. I really thought my supermom powers would help me in warding off an infection. No such luck. I think I may have to break down and call the doctor on Monday for antibiotics. I just hope she doesn’t make me come in. Because there is nothing quite as fun as trying to control two small children in the waiting room of a doctor’s office while I’m sick. Woo hoo.

Until I am back in top form, please enjoy my recipe for delicious spiced pumpkin bars:

Ingredients:
2 cups all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons baking powder

2 teaspoons ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon baking soda

1/4 teaspoon salt

4 eggs

1 15-ounce can pumpkin

1-2/3 cups granulated sugar

1 cup cooking oil

3/4 cup chopped pecans (optional)

Pecan halves (optional)

1 11-oz. package cream cheese, softened

1/4 cup butter, softened

1 teaspoon vanilla

2 cups sifted powdered sugar

Instructions:
1. In a medium bowl stir together flour, baking powder, cinnamon, baking soda, and salt; set aside.

2. In a large mixing bowl beat together eggs, pumpkin, sugar, and oil with an electric mixer on medium speed. Add the flour mixture; beat until well combined. If desired, stir in chopped pecans. Spread batter into an ungreased 15x10x1-inch baking pan.

3. Bake in a 350 degree F oven for 25 to 30 minutes or until a wooden toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool completely in pan on a wire rack.

4. In a medium mixing bowl beat together the cream cheese, butter, and vanilla until fluffy. Gradually add powdered sugar, beating until smooth. Frost pumpkin bars. If desired, top with pecan halves. Cut into squares. Store, covered, in refrigerator up to 3 days.

Weekly trip to the grocery store

I love my children. But I don’t look forward to going to the grocery store with them. We have been running extremely low on food all week. I was planning to go to the grocery store on Tuesday, but luckily, procrastination is one of my amazing talents. By today, I couldn’t wait any longer. Even worse, I had waited so long, we had a huge list of groceries to buy.

I packed up the kids, and took off for the store. The first thing I did was buy them popcorn chicken and a drink, in hopes of keeping them entertained. Then I set off to shop quickly while they were preoccupied with food and beverage. I’m so good at this that I can even ignore the looks that other people give me.

Yes, that is my one-year-old chugging a bottle of strawberry Gatorade. What of it?!

By the time we got to the macaroni and cheese aisle, things were quickly going down hill. Georgia thinks it is fun to start her high-piercing shrill. I believe I’ve mentioned this before – the sound I equate to the emergency broadcast system, remember?

As Georgia is imitating a tornado siren, Eli starts to mimic her. I am now in the middle of Wal-Mart grocery store subtlely trying to cover my children’s mouths as the people around us cover their ears. I plugged Georgia up with another bottle of Gatorade, and threatened Eli with no “extra.” (He always gets an extra at the store if he is good – today it was a plastic green cup with a built-in straw.)

I also need to control the comments I make to the children. I have always had a habit of talking to my children as if they were adults. Eli has a great vocabulary, and a growing knowledge of sarcasm. But again, I get looks from other people. For example, during the alarm noises, I said, “Would you two stop?! You’re going to drive mommy to drink!” Shocked look from the woman passing me in the aisle. Eli just laughed, and said, “Oh mommy! No we’re not.” My sweet boy – he gets me.

This reminds me of a story I have to share. Yesterday on the news, there was a story of a woman here in town who was found slumped over the wheel of her car with her 4-year-old and 1-year-old in the back seat. She was drunk. My mother-in-law called me and said, “I heard this story on the news, and I was just waiting for them to say it was you!”

What?! I realize I get stressed, but I’m not that bad. She was quick to tell me she was kidding. Eric thought that was extremely funny. His comment – “Well, you do enjoy your wine.”

Humph!

Anyway, after we were almost wrapped up at the grocery store, we were in the middle of frozen foods when Eli screamed, “Mommy! I have to GO! NOW!!” I looked at him, and he was dancing around grabbing his crotch. Oh crap.

I said, “Okay, let’s run!” Off we raced to the potty. We made it just in time. I got Eli on the potty right as he let loose. Now, when Eli is with me, I usually sit him on the potty. I know all the men (including my husband) think this is wrong, but I’m sorry, that’s how I know how to do it. The only problem with this is that Eli has a strong talent for peeing right through that little crack between the toilet seat and the toilet and soaking his pants. So, I have a song that I sing when he is going to the potty. I won’t go into the full rendition, but the chorus is “Point that penis doooooown!”

I was singing this as an older woman walked into the restroom. I think it was the same one who heard me tell the children they were driving me to drink. She took one look at me and turned around and walked out. *sigh* It’s hard being a supermom.

13 Things about Halloween (the movie)

Okay, you all know how I much I love Halloween - scariest damn movie ever! I love scary movies with no gore. Why can't they do that anymore?!

Anyway, here are 13 bits of trivia, plus two bonus pieces of trivia. Okay, yes, I realize that's actually 15. Hopefully that won't cause any sort of cosmic rift in the universe. I'm willing to chance it.

1. Halloween was shot in 21 days on a budget of $300,000. It ended up grossing $55 million, and became the most successful independent film of all-time until the Blair Witch Project in 1999 (also a great movie).

2. One of the main challenges was that the movie was being filmed in Southern California in March, and the film makers had to make it look like Illinois in the Fall. They worked diligently trying to cover up and avoid shots of palm trees, although you can still see some palm trees in a few shots. Due to the low budget, they bought paper leaves at a decorating store, painted them brown and scattered them on the ground for a shot. Then, they would gather the leaves back up and put them in bags so they could re-use them for the next shot.

3. Originally, the film makers planned to use a clown mask for Michael Myers. They felt they needed something “eerier”, so Tommy Lee Wallace, a member of the production crew, went to a magic shop and bought the cheapest mask he could find, which was a William Shatner mask for $1.98. They took off the side burns and the eyebrows, widened the eye holes, teased the hair, and painted the shell a bluish-white. The result looks extremely creepy, and nothing like William Shatner.

4. Halloween was originally supposed to be the sequel to the 1974 film Black Christmas, but the script was so good, the movie stood on its own. Instead, film makers used the film Black Christmas as inspiration for many of the different shots and ideas for the film. Incidentally, Black Christmas is being remade, and will be released in December of this year.

5. John Carpenter is a huge Hitchcock fan, and included a lot of Hitchcock references in Halloween. Tommy Doyle’s name is from a character in Rear Window, and Sam Loomis is named for Janet Leigh’s boyfriend in Psycho. The initial murder (young Michael killing his sister) was also an homage to Psycho as the viewer never sees the knife penetrating the skin.

6. Producers were unable to get a child actor until the last day of filming, so for the scenes in which young Michael Myers kills his sister, producer Debra Hill stepped in. At that point, all you see is a child’s hands putting the mask on and holding the knife. Debra volunteered because she had the smallest hands. This is also why the nails on young Michael’s hands look so well-manicured.

7. John Carpenter and Nick Castle went to acting school together. When Nick visited John on the set of Halloween, John immediately cast him in the role of Michael Myers. Nick was paid $25 a day for the role, and given the direction, “Don’t act. Just walk.”

8. The scene where Jamie Lee Curtis’s cries for help are ignored by neighbors while she is being chased by Michael Myers was based on the real-life case of Kitty Genovese. Kitty was killed in 1964 outside her apartment building in Queens, New York. It was reported that anywhere from 12 to 38 people heard her cries for help, yet no one helped her.

9. The little girl who played Lindsay Wallace is Kyle Richards, sister of Kathy (Richards) Hilton. It’s weird to think that little Lindsay grew up to be the aunt of Paris and Nicky Hilton.

10. Studios did not understand Halloween, and every major American distributor refused to release it. The movie was finally given a platform release, slowly opening across the country. It premiered in Kansas City (we know good movies here in KC!) and it received a huge response. The movie’s gross doubled each subsequent night due to word of mouth.

11. The Myers house used in the film was sold for $1 to a neighbor. The house was physically moved to a different location and refurbished. It is now home to a chiropractor’s office.

12. John Carpenter provides the voice of Annie’s boyfriend Paul who is heard talking on the phone with her.

13. Jamie Lee Curtis has said that if she ever writes her memoir, she will title it “You Stupid Bitch! You Deserve To Die,” because that is what an audience member shouted out at an initial screening of Halloween when Jamie Lee’s character dropped the knife right next to the supposedly dead Michael Myers.

Bonus trivia:

* Jamie Lee Curtis originally wanted to play the role of Lynda, and was pissed when P.J. Soles got what Jamie Lee thought was “the best part in the movie.” P.J. Soles developed a cult following after her roles in Carrie and Halloween.

* Jamie Lee Curtis announced her retirement as an actress in 2004. She now focuses on her family and writing children’s books.

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Rice Krispies Treats and horror movies

Today was our turn for treats again at preschool. Do you know how much I have to rack my brain for somewhat healthy snacks?! I went with Rice Krispies treats . . . with Halloween colored M&M’s in them. But, the Rice Krispies part is healthy, right? Before you add the butter and marshmallows anyway.

Eli got up on the wrong side of the bed yesterday. It happens to all of us, but it’s very tiring when your 4-year-old is in a bad mood. I had to threaten all day not to make the Rice Krispies treats. I used this to try to keep him in line. I know, I know. I would have made them anyway, but he didn’t know that.

We finally did make them. Then Eli, Eric and myself ate half of them. So we had to make more. The sugar rush must have been part of the reason Eli wouldn’t go to bed last night. We always try to get him to bed early on nights before preschool, yet that never seems to work. He got up to go potty, to remind me that I needed to tuck him in (twice), to get a drink, to go potty again, and to look for two quarters.

He “found” two quarters yesterday (on Eric’s nightstand), and proclaimed them as his own. Now, he is determined to go buy “big fruit.” There is a gumball machine at Wal-Mart that sells giant gumballs in the shape of fruit. It cost 50 cents, so whenever Eli gets a hold of two quarters, he wants to go buy “big fruit.” So, he slept with the quarters last night, woke up in a fit at 5 a.m. in a tizzy because he couldn’t find them, and when he did find them, he put them in his backpack to take them with him to preschool. It doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to get out of going to buy “big fruit.”

Anyway, after being constantly awoken by Eli last night, I am extremely tired today. Since we couldn’t sleep anyway, Eric turned on AMC last night, so we could continue to watch the barrage of horror movies. I have to admit, that is probably my favorite part of the Halloween season. I freaking LOVE horror movies! In the last three days, I have watched Halloween (twice), Nightmare on Elm Street, The Exorcist, part of Children of the Corn, and we fell asleep last night watching Halloween II (complete with Jamie Lee Curtis’s really bad wig). As great as the first Halloween is, the second could easily be a staple for MST3K! (BTW, I am very excited for my Thursday 13 this week. It is going to be 13 things about the movie Halloween!)

Anyway, when I finally did get to sleep, I dreamt that Michael Myers was chasing me, so this morning I have a tired headache. I went to bug Aaron at his new job at Caribou Coffee and got a large turtle mocha for breakfast. (Yes, that was my breakfast. Don't judge me.)

After dropping Eli off at preschool, I came home to discover that he had managed to teach Georgia a new word. She came over to me, handed me her book, and very clearly said, “MINE!”

Oh, lovely.

Prison Break

Okay people, help me! I desperately need Prison Break spoilers. This is killing me. Are Michael and Sara ever going to meet back up again? Because I’m telling you now, if we have to wait until the end of the season for that, I’m going to be seriously PO’d!

The episode scheduled to air in two weeks is entitled, “Rendezvous” so I have hopes. But that doesn’t necessarily mean Michael and Sara’s rendezvous. It could be Michael and Lincoln, or the bad guy (what’s his name, I still want to call him Lance) and Michael.

Anyway, I need some freaking spoilers!!!! Does anyone know a good spoiler site?

Update!

Yay! Thanks to Tracie for the tip. I have now found out that Michael and Sara will rendezvous. Briefly. Before she is captured. And apparently tortured. But hey, at least that's something.

My daughter’s hair

First, I want to thank everyone for their input on my career change! I have decided to give Passion Parties a shot. The only negative comment I received was from my mother who is afraid I’m going to meet a bunch of “kooks.” Fortunately, I myself am a kook, so it should all work out. Now, if I can only get Slackermommy and Macoosh to follow my lead!

In case you all are interested, here is a link to a great story that MSNBC did about Passion Parties. Brooke, the gal featured, is in my upline. The story comes complete with videos!

Now, on to the issue at hand: my daughter’s hair.

You may seem to recall that I was having the problem of Carol Brady hair.

Well, it has gotten worse. She now looks like Owen Wilson’s love child.

I should cut her hair. I really should. But what would be the fun in that. I’ll only cut it if it gets extremely out of control. I can’t wait to see who she morphs into next.

Macoosh’s Weird Tag

I was tagged last week by Morgen at It’s A Blog Eat Blog World for Macoosh’s Weird Meme. I’m just now getting to it – not because it took me this long to think of nine weird things about myself, but because I was trying to narrow it down! The idea is to write nine weird things about yourself. Soooo . . . here we go:

1. I love to eat mayonnaise on my French fries. I’ve actually heard that in some parts of Europe this is normal, so that makes me feel a little better. But around this area, I get some really strange looks from waitresses at restaurants when I ask for a big old side of mayo to go with my fries.

2. Separation of silverware in the dishwasher. When I am loading the dishwasher, spoons go in one container, forks go in one, and knives go in one. I also separate out the baby silverware into another and serving utensils into another. It’s very anal, I know. And it drives my husband crazy. He tries to mix them up occasionally, but I always redo it the right way.

3. My freakishly wide clown feet. I have very wide feet. And they actually got bigger after two pregnancies. I’m not kidding – after two babies, I went up a full shoe size. In addition to that, I have a pinky toe that is half as small as the rest of my toes and curls in. It’s weird. I would post a picture, but I don’t want to freak you out.

4. The TV volume. You know how the volume on the TV shows numbers on the screen in addition to bars when you turn it up or down? Well, I have to stop it stop on an even number. It can be 20, 22, 24, but God forbid, I cannot stop it on 23. I have tried. I cannot stop the volume on an odd number. My husband thinks this is my weirdest oddity.

5. I secretly like LazyTown. It’s my son’s favorite show, and my guilty pleasure. I actually enjoy watching LazyTown, and I love the music. Sometimes, I will even listen to the CD in my car when Eli is not with me. Before you think this is too weird, I challenge anyone to listen to Bing Bang and not want to get up and dance!



6. Scooping ice cream. When I scoop ice cream out of the container, I do it so the ice cream stays even all the way across. My husband digs a hole in the ice cream, and it drives me crazy. Don’t you love my misplaced sense of order?

7. I have a strong obsession with baby feet. I LOVE baby feet. They are so teeny tiny and cute. My children are totally used to the fact that I tickle and kiss their little feet all the time. I just love baby feet. I’m not sure when the cut-off age for this is because big ole scary adult feet do nothing for me, but I’m lost in the baby feet. Just look at Georgia’s cute little feet!!

8. Weird cooking ritual. I love to cook, and I usually get very hot when I’m in the kitchen. So, I cook with no pants on. I soooo can’t believe I’m telling you this. I just cook in a long T-shirt and underwear. I’m much more comfortable, and this way I don’t get anything on my pants. It’s only bad if someone comes to the door while I’m in the middle of making lasagna.

9. Ultra-sensitive skin. My skin breaks out at everything. In high school, I had to go to the doctor because after I started wearing make-up, because I got a severe rash on my face. Imagine a doctor telling a 16-year-old she shouldn’t wear make-up. That was not easy to deal with. This was before they had all the hypo-allergenic, dermatology-tested stuff. I still have to be careful, but there is some stuff I can wear. I also can’t use fabric softener. My mom used Downy once, and I broke out in hives all over my body. Not comfortable. I could go on and on about the weird skin irritations I have, but I think you get the message.

Now, I am supposed to tag nine people. I don’t even think I know nine people. Plus, if I tag Ian one more time, I think he’ll beat me with his keyboard. So, I will just say that anyone who wants to participate in this, have fun!!

Career Change

Before I start into my blog, I want to make sure that everyone knows Halloween is on Sunday night on AMC! Woo hoo! Scariest damn movie ever, and I love to watch it at Halloween. I don’t know why because that damn music freaks me out and scares me so much I don’t even want to get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. But I love it! I’m twisted!

Okay, I need some advice from everyone. As you know, I decided a couple of months ago to make some extra money selling Discovery Toys. Since then, I have really been looking into the whole idea of network marketing. I have mentioned my friend Rebecca who is a consultant for Passion Parties. She makes 40 % of her sales and I make 20 %. As you can imagine, her items are more expensive than mine, so she makes a lot more money.

Plus, the Passion Parties are a lot of fun! It’s hard to get people interested in coming to a Discovery Toys party, but everyone wants to come to a Passion Party. Soooo . . . I am thinking about switching. I know that is quite a change. I wouldn’t give up Discovery Toys, because I absolutely LOVE the toys. I would just add the Passion Parties until I see which one is more successful. What do you think?

As it is, most of the Discovery Toys sound dirty anyway – Hammer Away, Shiny Touchy Smelly, and Boomarings. And the Passion Parties products could be innocent toys – the Jack Rabbit, Mystical Moments Wand, and the Friendly Dolphin. So, it wouldn’t be a big switch from selling toys to selling toys.

Plus, I just can’t carry that damn purse anymore. Yes, I have gotten about four people to ask me about Discovery Toys, which is pretty good. But most of the time, people just stare at me like I’m a psycho for carrying a freaky ass purse. Plus, when I was at a children’s clothing store one day, the clerk actually tried to ring up my purse (!!!). So today, I went to Target, and got a new purse. A real one. One that is as big as a suitcase so I can use it as a purse/diaper bag. That feels much better!

Eric is hesitant about my career change. He says that guys don’t talk about sex that openly. He maintains that girls are just dirtier. He can’t even comprehend a Passion Party. I think it would be easier to get people to attend parties, and I would sell more. And besides, sex sells! And I would be selling it!

Err . . . okay, that didn’t come out right. But, you know what I mean.

What should I do?

Celebrations!

I actually did not blog yesterday, and I was kicking myself for it. I started blogging for the creative writer buried somewhere inside of me, and I try to do it every day. Unfortunately, I think I was a member of corporate America for way too long. I forget that there’s no one around to give me a negative annual review if I miss a day of blogging. (At least I hope not.)

Last night, I took a much-needed break and went out with Amy and Heather. We went to Johnny Carino’s, where I enjoyed a few Bellinis, to celebrate Heather’s 30th birthday. I used to be great at getting awesome birthday gifts for people. But this week, I don’t think my brain was functioning properly due to lack of sleep. I got Heather a box of picture frames. A big box with 10 picture frames. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Heather and BL just got married and they have tons of photos, so it’s a functional gift. Right? Okay, fine. I’m slipping. I will have to work on my gift-giving powers before Christmas. I knew I was in trouble when she unwrapped it and thought there was something else in the box (because surely I didn’t get her a box of picture frames). Oh, but I did. I just sunk down in my chair and nursed my second Bellini at that point.

Now, to my blog celebration. My goal was to break into the top 100,000 at Technorati by the end of the year. I thought that was a daunting task since I started out at 542,000. So, I went to Technorati yesterday to do my weekly check. I am 33,000. Oh yeah! I rock! I still don’t see my parade anywhere! Jeez, what is up with that? No parade when I got bestest blog, and no parade for being 33,000 at Technorati! Oh well, I shall have another Bellini and celebrate.

I actually woke up this morning to make bread, because honestly, I need more carbs. Plus, it’s raining. For some reason, I want to bake when it’s raining. I am making beer bread. My husband walked into the kitchen as I was popping open a bottle of beer at 8 a.m. He looked slightly worried. I think he’s concerned that more and more of my recipes take alcohol. The other day, I made this awesome ravioli lasagna recipe that I got from Rachael Ray. It took 1 cup of red wine. What was I supposed to do with the rest of the bottle? You can’t have left over wine, right? So, I drank that. At least I wasn’t sipping the beer at 8 a.m. this morning.

Tonight, the celebration continues. We are going to a party. An actual real-life adult party at Eric’s friend’s. They said children are welcome, so we’re bringing the kids. They said this last time, and we were the only ones who brought our kids, but considering I have no family here and no one to watch my children, everyone can deal. I am not missing a party!

Now, enjoy my simple, but extremely yummy recipe for beer bread:

3 cups self-rising flour
1/3 cup sugar
1 12 oz. bottle beer (whatever you like - I use Boulevard Unfiltered Wheat)

Mix together and pour into a greased (or sprayed with Pam) 9x5 bread pan. Batter will be very sticky. Top with ½ stick of melted butter. Bake at 350 for 50-60 minutes. Let set 10 minutes in pan and then invert onto cooling rack. Best when served warm or toasted topped with butter or cheese spread. Yum-o!!

Tag Team Sleeping

I know I bitch incessantly about my lack of sleep, but hey – you’re reading a mommy blog! My children have now formed a conspiracy against me. They believe by not allowing me to sleep at all, they can drive me insane. I think it’s their plan for me to eventually snap and lapse into a catatonic state so they can do nothing but eat candy and watch TV all day.

I slept about three hours last night. I wonder if it would be possible for me to vacation for a few months and come back when all of Georgia’s teeth have grown in. Hmmm . . .

By the time I finally got her down for a nap today, Eli was wide awake. I parked him in front of the TV and told him that mommy desperately needed a nap. After about an hour, I heard him . . . well, I’m not quite sure what the hell he was doing. He was outside of Georgia’s room being loud. He then went into her room and loudly said, “See ya later, alligator!” and slammed her door. WTF?!!!!

Georgia started crying, and I tried desperately to control myself from tossing my son out the nearest window.

Do you ever get so tired that you just want to cry?

Tonight, when I finally got Georgia down, and turned my attention to Eli, I thought to myself that maybe, just maybe, I can get them both to bed early and then I could actually sleep. As if on cue, Eli grabbed his ear and started crying. Oh no. HELL NO! You have GOT to be kidding me?! Why is the universe playing such a cruel joke? I gave Eli a big dose of ibuprofen, and some ear drops left over from his last ear infection until his screams quieted to a dull moan.

I feel so sorry for him. I had an ear infection last year when I was pregnant with Georgia, and I was reminded of how much those damn things hurt!!! I really can’t stand to see my children in pain. Be it teething or ear infection. It just about kills me.

So, I am off to check on Eli again. We have the portable DVD player set up in his room, and hopefully that we keep his attention until he is able to fall asleep.

After all of that, Eric just came in and said, “We really need to try to get Georgia off of her pacifier.” When he saw the look on my face, he slowly started to back up. I said, “Do you have ANY f*cking idea the day I have had with her, and you want to take away the ONLY thing that soothes her a little bit?! Have you lost your f*cking mind?!”

He scurried away.

Yeah, I thought so.

13 Random Things About My Week

1. My neighbor - My next door neighbor came over this week. She’s nice, but a little off. (Come on, we all know people like that.) I could barely control my laughter when she was getting herself something to drink and asked me, “Where do you keep your ice cubes?”

2. Eli’s accent – If you’ve read some of my past blogs, you probably know my son’s favorite show is LazyTown. LazyTown is filmed in Iceland, and apparently the stars are VERY popular there. Eli has now watched LazyTown so much, he is beginning to speak with an Icelandic accent. . . I’m really not kidding.

3. Georgia’s gender – I was in Wal-Mart this week when someone asked me if Georgia was a girl or a boy. She has hair down to her shoulders, and was wearing a pink top and jeans with pink and red hearts on them. Are you freaking kidding me?!

4. I can’t do math in my head – (or with a calculator half the time) Not a brand new realization, but confirmed this week after I did a Discovery Toys party and overcharged everyone on shipping. Don’t worry, I gave them all a refund. They were not amused.

5. Preschool moms – I find the other preschool moms constantly entertaining. I’ve related to you before how difficult it is to go grocery shopping with both children. If I get the chance to go by myself, it’s a little slice of heaven. I heard some of the other moms talking one day when I was dropping Eli off.

One mom said, “I need to go to grocery store, but I'll wait until I after I pick up (daughter). I really like to take both of the kids with me. It's fun. Especially on a cloudy, rainy day."

Other mom, "Oh, I like to go shopping with all the kids too!"

It’s official, dear readers. The preschool moms are f*cking lunatics!

6. Nyquil – Well, Nyquil has been reformulated. No longer do you have to buy it behind the counter at the pharmacy. Why? Because they took out the f*cking decongestant. That’s right! No pseudophedrine, no phenylephrine. Nothing! The whole damn reason I take Nyquil is so I can breathe at night! Apparently, if you want the luxury of breathing at night, you now have to buy Nyquil Sinus. Unfortunately, I didn’t notice this new little development until I got home from Wal-Mart with my purchase. WTF?!

7. Baby genius – I was watching Georgia write yesterday, and I noticed that she holds her pen correctly! She doesn’t just hold it in her little fist and scribble. She actually holds it correctly in her little fingers and writes. She is a genius. Maybe she’s going to be a writer like her mom. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.

8. Milk nog – Half egg nog/ half skim milk. For those of us who love our nog, but are trying to be health conscious. It’s actually better than regular egg nog. And great in coffee! Yum-o!

9. I miss the 80’s – Again, probably not a new realization, but sometimes I lose myself in the 80’s. I dressed Georgia yesterday in a long shirt and bright blue leggings. I wish I knew someplace where I could find baby leg warmers!

10. I don’t miss the 70’s – I’m sure you all know of the goucho phenomenon. Some of you may actually own a pair. 30 years ago, they were called culottes. Just because they have doubled the price and changed the name, they still make my legs look fat, and I refuse to buy a pair. As I was on my tirade, my husband reminded me of the fluorescent jewelry I wore 20 years ago. So, what’s his point?! That was a fashion statement!

11. I can’t take compliments – For some reason, I am not good at this. If someone says they like my shoes, I say, “I got them for $8.99 at Payless!” This week, someone told me they really liked my hair. My response? “Yeah, I just got it bleached, so my roots aren’t showing now.” WTF is wrong with me?! Why can’t I just say thank you?!

12. I’m a girlie girl – As much as I try not to be, sometimes I just can’t help it. My girlie girl status was confirmed this week when I bought Georgia’s Halloween costume. She’s going to be a fairy. Complete with a frilly dress, wings and a wand. I’m only sad they didn’t have it in my size.

13. Credit cards on order forms – As a Discovery Toys consultant, I have taken a lot of orders the past few weeks. If someone gives me a credit card, I just write the number on the order form. I’ve been at several Pampered Chef/Tastefully Simple/Passion/Mary Kay/Jewelry parties, where they have done the same thing. This week I wondered what ever happens to those order forms. Does the consultant eventually throw them away? With my credit card number on it? I am now extremely uncomfortable with this whole process. (For anyone who orders from me, don’t worry. I’m a shredder!)

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Illiterate librarians

Don’t you think that if you get a job in a library you should be required to know your freaking alphabet?! I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. That just seems like a pre-requisite for the job!

After dropping Eli at preschool this morning, Georgia and I went to the library (after stopping off for coffee) to pick up a book I had on hold. I decided it would be easier to go with just Georgia since Eli manages to snag 2-3 DVDs every time we enter the library. I put Georgia in her stroller and was immediately faced with the men who go out of their way to avoid opening the door for me. Yes, here comes a mom with a stroller trying to maneuver her way in the door. Let’s go through another door instead of offering to help. That seems f*cking reasonable, doesn’t it? I wish I had the phone number of their mothers. It’s not as though I’m helpless. I have my stroller driving down to an art form (I only hit people when I want to – and trust me, sometimes I definitely want to), and I can maneuver through a door in record time. That does not mean I don’t appreciate it when someone opens the damn door for me. And did I mention it was raining?!!

But I digress. Once we entered the library, I went over to wait my turn in line. I had been on the waiting list for this particular book for a few months, and I was excited it was finally in. This is one of my money-saving tips. I have stopped buying books for myself, which was a very costly habit for me. Now, I just check them all out from the library.

When I sidled up to the desk, I immediately spotted my book on the shelf. I whipped out my wallet to get my library card. Not there. Crap. Eric had picked up a DVD for me last week and had not returned my card. The woman said that was okay. She just needed my driver’s license. I handed her my license, and proceeded to watch her type in my name incorrectly three times. Grrrr . . . I finally said, “Can’t I just give you my library card number? Would that help?”

She glared at me. “You know your card number? And you’re just telling me this now?!” Oh no she didn’t! I assumed since she asked for ID, she needed ID. She didn’t ask for my freaking card number!

Once she finally pulled me up in her system, she turned around to look for my book on the shelf, which is alphabetized. My last name starts with an F, and I saw my book right there under F. Miss Charm School was looking under G, then H. Then she turned to me and said she couldn’t find it. I then lunged across the desk and grabbed her neck . . . oh no, wait! That’s just what I wanted to do. I actually said, “Really? Because I can see my book right there on the shelf.”

She turned up her nose. “Where?!” I pointed. “Right there.” And recited the title and the author. She then saw it and said, “Well! It’s in the wrong place. How am I supposed to find it when it’s in the wrong place?!” Good Lord, this woman needed a smack. Followed by spelling lessons.

I finally got my book and off I went. I decided to forego the rest of my errands. If errands start out like that, they usually just go down hill. So, I think going home was a wise decision on my part.

On an unrelated note, I decided to make an easy dinner and fixed Julie’s Ziploc omelettes! Yum-o!!! I added cheese, diced ham, onions and green peppers! Highly recommended!!

Dental anxiety

Today was Monday all over the place. Last night started off with cranky teething baby Georgia waking up at 3 a.m. Another tooth popped through, but she still has a lower molar that’s coming up and going back down. It’s killing me!

After about three hours, Georgia fell asleep. If you’re keeping track, we’re now at 6 a.m. I fell back asleep, too. The only problem is that I had a dentist appointment at 8:30 a.m. We woke up at 8 a.m. Crap. I downed my antibiotics because I am one of those people who must pre-medicate, pulled on my clothes, brushed and quickly flossed (I would really like to know if they can tell who flosses and who doesn’t), and jumped in the car. On no coffee.

I read an article that said people who are tired or groggy are more dangerous on the road than people who are drunk. After being up half the night and being on the road with no caffeine in my system, I was lucky I made it to the dentist in one piece – and only 10 minutes late.

They were waiting on me, but before I could launch into my explanation, they said, “It’s okay. We know you have small children.” Thank God! Understanding people.

I settled into the reclining chair complete with my paper bib, and tried to prepare myself. I had to have fillings when I was 8, and after 25 years, they were starting to crumble. My appointment today was to have them replaced. I wish they would just knock me out because let me tell you, that Novocain needle is one giant f***ing needle. I about passed out when I saw that thing coming at me. What happened to the freaking gas?

After three shots of Novocain, I was drooling all over myself and everything was completely numb. Then the dentist said, “I’m going to make sure you can’t feel anything. I’m going to jab you really hard in the gums.” He takes that damn sharp pokey thing and starts jabbing the hell out of me. “Can you feel that? Can you feel that?” I couldn’t, but I knew that jabbing was going to come back to haunt me.

Even though I couldn’t feel what they were doing to my teeth, I could feel what they were doing to my mouth. Apparently they mistook me for Elastigirl the way they were stretching my mouth out. I think the dentist and his hygienist both had their hands in my mouth at once.

When they were finally done, I was warned not to bite my mouth or tongue because I couldn’t feel anything and could easily bite a hole in my tongue. Why do dentists tell you this sh*t? Is it to scare you? And after they say it, what is the first thing you do? You bite your freaking tongue to see if you can feel it!

They also told me not to eat anything until lunch, but said it was okay to have coffee (yay!), so I stopped at Scooter’s on the way home to get a four-shot latte in a lame attempt to wake myself up.

After that, I did feel better . . . until the damn Novocain wore off. Double crap! My mouth hurts like a mofo! Not my teeth – my mouth. The back part of my jaw where they gave me those three shots of Novocain and then jabbed the hell out of me is killing me. I still haven’t eaten because – ouch! If they don’t give you take-home Novocain, the least they could have done is prescribed some Percocet. The sadists!

Oh well, I’m trying to look on the bright side. Maybe I’ll lose a little weight out of this fiasco. One can only hope!

OKGO video

I realize it's just four guys dancing on treadmills, but for some reason I find it mesmerizing. Does anyone else think this is about the coolest video ever?

Folger's coffee review

You all may remember my excitement of a couple of weeks ago when I received three pounds of Folger’s coffee in the mail. In return all I had to do was write an honest review for their coffee. How cool is that?!

Now that I have gone through (almost) three pounds of coffee in the last two weeks, I feel I can write a competent review. If nothing else, at least I’m alert!

Folger’s sent me their new Gourmet Selections – Morning Café, Vanilla Biscotti and Lively Columbian. I ripped open the Vanilla Biscotti first. Oh, come on. You would have done the same thing.

The Vanilla Biscotti has a good flavor. I love flavored coffee, but I don’t like the flavor to be so strong that it overpowers the coffee. It's kind of like dumping too much ketchup on your eggs. What’s the point of eating eggs if all you can taste is the ketchup?

Anyway, Vanilla Biscotti was on the verge of overpowering. I liked the flavor, but it was so strong, that I had to mix it with the Morning Café. Then I liked it better because I could actually taste the coffee.

Morning Café was a light flavor, and also good. However, I didn’t notice much difference between this Gourmet Blend and the regular blend of Folger’s coffee. I like Folger’s coffee, and I liked Morning Café, but I don’t recommend spending the extra money on the Gourmet Blend when it tastes the same as the normal Folger’s.

This leaves Lively Columbian. And who doesn’t love a Lively Columbian in the morning? (ba boom ching) Okay, that has been a running joke in the house for a couple of weeks. This one was my favorite of the three. It’s a bold coffee, and I love a strong, bold coffee, mainly because it lasts longer. Since the Columbian is stronger, I don’t have to use as much and it stretches further. A definite plus.

In a nutshell, Vanilla Biscotti – the flavor needs to be toned down. Morning Café – good, but nothing extraordinary. Lively Columbian – a yummy, full-bodied coffee. I am now going to send Folger’s an email and tell them I posted my review. Maybe they’ll send me the Caramel Drizzle and Chocolate Truffle to review. Yum-o!

As a sidenote, I have been on the lookout for my favorite coffee for years now. Is anyone familiar with Einstein Bros? Well, back when they were Bagel and Bagel, their house coffee was a blend called Sweet Columbian. That was the best damn coffee EVER. When they became Einstein Bros, the bagels got smaller, the schmears got more expensive, and they changed to some crappy ass coffee. Since then, I have been on the lookout for a coffee that matched the Sweet Columbian I loved so much. Maybe someday, we will meet again. *sigh*

Happy coffee drinking to all. Perk up and be merry.

Bank robbing mommy

Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel like a complete looney-toon? Well, this happens to me a lot. (I’ll bet you’re surprised, aren’t you?) This week, I had one of those days.

Thursday was bank day. I had to go to the credit union and the bank. Whenever I walk into a financial institution (or even when I go through the drive-through), I think about robbing the place.

Now, don’t go call the police. I would never actually rob a bank. But for some reason, every time I enter one, I start to wonder how difficult it would be to get into the vault. I wonder if there really is one of those silent alarm buttons behind the desk. And I wonder if I would be smart enough to do it and not get caught. I wonder if anyone has ever tried to rob a bank while at the drive-through. I mean, you're already in the get-away car. Although, I'll bet those tellers are behind bullet-proof glass. Then I start thinking about past bank robberies. I think about Patty Hearst. She soooo should have worn a ski mask. And so should the cell phone girl.

I wonder all of this while waiting in line humming along to the muzak of “Can’t Smile Without You.”

And I don't just think about this occasionally. I seriously think about this EVERY time I walk into a bank. Right down to how long it would take me to get away. I usually back out of my delirium when I realize the police would arrive before I could get the money in the trunk and both kids strapped into their car seats.

Does this make me a crazy person? Or do I just have a warped and twisted psyche? Because up until Thursday, I honestly thought this was a normal random thought that everyone had. I made the mistake of mentioning this to my husband. “You know how when you walk into a bank, you automatically think about robbing it?” (This is where that looney-toon feeling comes in.) He looked at me as if a monkey head had just sprouted out the side of my neck. “Uh, no,” he said.

I said, “Really?! You’ve never thought about robbing a bank?”

Answer: “No.” (psycho) “Apparently, it’s just you.” (you whackadoo). Sometimes, I actually can read his mind.

Then I went to the salon for a hair appointment. At this point, I just couldn’t let it rest. I asked Cassandra (my stylist) and Heather #1, “When you go into a bank, do you think about robbing it?”

They gave each other “the look.” They both said, “Um, no.” Great! So, apparently, I am freaking crazy.

At least I have a great Thursday 13 to work on – 13 random thoughts that cross through my mind. The bank thing is definitely #1. But I have to know – do any of you think about the whole robbing a bank thing? Anyone? Bueller?

Creepy Crawlies

First off, please welcome Sadie to the blogroll. Honestly, I thought she was already on my blogroll, but apparently I was drunk. I have officially added her today, and it is long overdue. If you have not read Sadie's blog, you should!

On to today's topic! I believe in my Halloween meme I related how much I hate snakes. After today, I can clearly recall how much I truly despise spiders. *shiver*

This actually started when I was in college. I lived in this little studio apartment right off campus. The apartment was infested with spiders. And not just regular spiders – daddy long legs. I know these are about the most harmless spiders out there, but they are scary because they are so freaking big! I saw one once in that apartment that was the size of my hand! (And I’m really not exaggerating!)

I also hated them because they seemed to enjoy that element of surprise. I would get a bowl from the top shelf of my cabinet, and there would be one of those damn spiders hiding inside. Or I would take a shower and have my eyes closed while washing my hair. When I would tip my head back to rinse out my hair and open my eyes, there was a spider dangling above my face. Those damn things would purposely screw with me.

Why is all of this coming up now, you may ask. Because today, I saw the biggest damn spider I have ever seen in my life. We’re talking tarantula-sized! It was in my basement/rec room. I went downstairs to do the laundry and screamed when this sprang out on the wall.

Eli, my 4-year-old protector, came running. “What’s wrong, mommy?” Me (the adult) replied, “Ew. A spider! Ew. Ew. I hate spiders!” as I scurried back up the stairs. Eli was trying to comfort me. “Spiders won’t hurt you, mommy. They just tickle your hand.” He started to reach for it.

“NO!” I screamed! “Don’t touch it!” He seemed very confused. I told him to leave the thing alone while I called his father. Luckily, Eric was on the way home. He just seemed to laugh when he heard me hysterically screaming about a spider. Then, I went back downstairs and saw Eli trying to knock the spider off the wall with a broom. “Look mommy, I made the spider move.”

“Eli! Don’t touch it!” He still didn’t comprehend my hysteria. Wait until he lives in a grungy apartment and finds a spider on his bed in the middle of the night. We’ll see whose calm then!

Eric finally got home, and followed the shrieks downstairs. He looked all macho until he actually spotted the spider. “OHMYGOD!”

Exactly! Now who’s screaming like a girl? He said, “That is the biggest freaking spider I have ever seen in my life!” Okay, that’s what I said, yet he didn’t believe me on the phone. He reminded me that I am prone to exaggeration (whatever) as he located something to “catch” the spider with. Jeez! What happened to the days when we actually killed spiders. But, no. Apparently, this one needed to be released into the wild to create more scary gigantic spiders which can attack my house.

Eric carefully captured the spider in a cup, and with Eli jumping around him, they escorted the thing outside – far, far away from the house per my request.

Good Lord. Imagine what would happen if I saw a mouse.

Mike from Everest Cable

Okay, it is obvious that Mike who works in customer service for Everest Cable does not have children.

The usual daily routine in our house is that I put Georgia down for a nap after lunch. I then turn on the TV to Noggin or Nick Jr. for Eli so he can stay entertained and quiet while Georgia naps. This is my time to get some work done. Maybe it’s not a great system, but it works for us.

I do not like it when someone screws with my system. About 15 minutes into Go, Diego, Go, here comes Eli. “Mommy, the electricity is out!” What? Crap. I knew the electricity was not out because the computer was working, but still, there was a problem.

I went into the family room, and the TV was blank. I flipped the channel to Nick Jr. Blank. I flipped to Disney. Blank. I went into the bedroom and turned on the TV. Blank. Double crap.

Eli is running around the house screaming, “Fix it, Mommy! Fix it!!” All the while, I am screaming “SHHHHHH!!!! Do NOT wake up your sister!”

I searched for Everest's number and got a hold of Mike. I informed him our cable was out. I got the usual “Huh!” (Is that just a freaking guy response?!) He had me reboot my cable box. When it came back on, it was on channel 2, which worked. I then turned it back to Noggin. Blank. Nick Jr. Blank. Disney. Blank.

Mike said, “Well, we are having an outage on the children’s tier of channels.” (He couldn’t have told me that in the first place?!) “Did you try any of the other channels before you called?”

Okay, look Mike from Everest cable. I have a 4-year-old. There ARE no other channels. Mike didn’t seem to get that. Eli was becoming increasingly irate that his show was not back on. I asked Mike if he knew how detrimental it is to my schedule and my daughter’s nap when the TV goes out in the middle of Go, Diego, Go. Silence. Apparently, he does not.

He said, “We’re working on fixing the problem as fast as we can, Ma’am.” Grrrrr. . .

I said, “Okay, well is the problem going to be fixed before it’s time for LazyTown?” Silence. I rephrased my question. “Is the problem going to be fixed before 3:00?” Mike said he didn’t know

Okay, Mike from Everest Cable, that is really not helpful to me right now. If that TV is not on before LazyTown, I’m driving my son down there and you can deal with the temper tantrum. Mike reassured me again they were working on the issue. So, I bid adieu to Mike from Everest Cable, and prayed that Nick Jr. would be back on by 3:00.

Thank God, it was. All was well, and heads did not have to roll.

Mike does not know how lucky he was.

13 Words I Love!

13 Words I Love! 1. Façade – I used to work at U.S. Central Credit Union. During my tenure, I was on a sales call with a girl who used the word façade. Except she said fakade (hard “k” sound, long “a”). She was serious. She said “fakade” to a client and she was serious. She really thought that is how you pronounced the word. I really really almost wet myself. To this day, I cannot hear the word façade without giggling. 2. Floozie – This was a toss-up between floozy and jezebel. They’re both great words, but floozie seems to have a little more panache. Oooo! Panache. There’s a great word! 3. Whore – Whore is my favorite word of all time! And you would be surprised at how much I use it. “I’m sweating like a whore in church.” Or “Eric likes to go out on Sunday mornings for coffee and whores.” Many of my friends are affectionately referred to as whores, although that may seem strange when I say it out of context. It’s also a great word to use to describe someone who you don’t like and who is in fact a whore. 4. Blustery – That is a great descriptive word. When I hear the word blustery, I immediately feel cold. I also immediately think of Winnie the Pooh. Does anyone remember that book? Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day? One of my favorites as a little girl! 5. Spiel – Okay, I say schpeel, but it’s really the same thing. I give my spiel at Discovery Toys parties, and often just during regular speaking. I always have some sort of spiel. 6. Whackadoo – Isn’t this self-explanatory? Whackadoo is a perfect way to describe someone who is in fact a whackadoo (not to be confused with freakazoid). I myself tend to suffer from a few whackadoo tendencies. That’s a happy word even though it’s describing a crazy ass. 7. Awesome – This is part of my vocabulary left over from the 80’s that never died. At least I don’t still say narly, tubular or radical. But for some reason, awesome stuck. 8. More – I love this word because of the way my daughter says it. She signs it, and says “Mo!” with her little mouth forming a perfect O-shape. “Mo!” It sounds like she’s summoning one of the Three Stooges. 9. Mama – I immediately know the mood of my child when they utter this one word. Whether it’s a cry at 2 a.m. “Maaaamaaaa!” or said with a giggle, or said incessantly when trying to get my attention – “Mama mama mama mama mama!” Eli’s really good at that one! 10. Twizat – Eric thinks this is cheating because this isn’t really a word. My friend Heather used to refer to many people as a twat. Then a couple of years ago, she began speaking Snoop Dog. From then on, I have been twizat. And she is hizzo. It works out perfectly. 11. Diggariggadong - If you have ever watched LazyTown, you’ve heard this word. Every time I hear the word, which is in the LazyTown song, I want to dance. “Bing Bang, diggariggadong, silly words I say when I am dancing!” 12. Aroma – This word can be used to describe the most wonderful or horrific smells. I can be two blocks away from a coffee shop, but when the aroma hits me, I’m drawn in. Yes, when it comes to coffee, I’m like Homer Simpson and doughnuts. On the other hand, the aroma of a skunk on a highway in Western Kansas evokes an entirely different reaction. 13. Striking – Does anyone remember the Seinfeld episode when Elaine said the ugly baby was striking. It’s a great word, because what the hell does it mean? If you say someone is striking, they could be beautiful or the most hideous thing you’ve ever seen. The word in itself is a puzzle!

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Sharp tiny razor blades

I know I have complained about teething babies in the past, but it has hit a new level. I thought cutting one tooth at a time was bad. This is worse. Out of the last eight nights, Georgia has slept through the night once. Most of the time she wakes up between 2:00 – 3:00 a.m. It’s starting to get to me a little bit.

After her middle of the night crisis this morning, I was determined to figure out if it really was teething that was the issue. I said a prayer, and stuck my finger in her mouth. I don’t know if any of you have done this, but new teeth feel like tiny razor blades. And teething babies feel the urge to bite down (hard) on anything that goes in their mouth. Personally, I would rather have a bloody hand over a good shoe sale, but I digress.

After Georgia giggled as I was screaming and trying desperately not to yell “Mother F*ck!", I discovered that the problem is teeth – four of them. One lower tooth has finally popped through. That’s the good news. The upper molar that popped through a couple of weeks ago is only halfway through, so the other side is still coming in. Then she has two molars on the bottom that are swollen and on the verge. No wonder the child is cranky.

This morning, after we took Eli to pre-school, Georgia screamed all the way home in the car. We stopped at the credit union. She screamed. We stopped at Scooter’s. She screamed. When I got her home, she threw herself down on the floor and started bucking . . . and screaming. I kept my vow not to start drinking in the middle of the day. Instead, I drugged the girl with Tylenol and attempted to put her down for a nap.

And that was just this morning. This afternoon was more of the same, in addition to Eli’s complete meltdown after he got home. (When is it okay for me to have a meltdown? I’m just curious.)

After all of that, I remembered that I had a hair appointment tonight at 6:30. When I remembered this, it was 5:30. Crap. As soon as Eric got home, I left. I don’t know if I’m tired, or just completely emotionally stressed out, but I drove about a mile past the salon before I realized it, and then had to turn around and go back.

When I got there, guess who was getting her hair done? Heather #1! Yay! (Side Note: You MUST check out Heather's new blog. It is extremely entertaining even though the whore has yet to link to MY blog!)

Anyway, I got to complain about cranky teething babies, and she got to complain about her new neighbors who are attempting to steal her dog. It was just what I needed. That and a good night’s sleep. And maybe the Nubby G.

When Worlds Collide

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been calling in favors and pimping myself out to get my friends to have Discovery Toys parties. I get uber perks if I sell $1000 in my first three months so I am doing everything short of selling sexual favors to meet my quota . . . almost.

One of the things I have been doing is swapping parties with my friends who are also in the network sales arena. My friend Rebecca is a Passion Parties consultant. You should definitely check out her Web site for some fun adult toys! She sells everything from lotions containing phermones to vibrating tongues (those things really freak me out). It’s quite an array of adult pleasures.

Anyway, Rebecca and I came up with a swap. I am going to host a Passion Party and she will host a Discovery Toys party. My husband thinks it would be fun to have them together. We could sell baby teethers on one side and something for the ladies to suck on on the other side. That’s just more than my brain can comprehend. So, Rebecca and I worked out our trade.

This month, she is having her Discovery Toys party. She will get a free hostess credit toward toys, plus the chance to earn a free Pilot Rocker if people buy enough at her party. I am having a Passion Party next month. I will earn a free hostess credit and a free Bullet, and a chance to earn free sex toys if I sell enough at my party.

Does this seem bizarre to anyone else? My husband just giggled. I had a glass of wine, and opened my Passion catalog to decide which free sex toy I want – the Nubby G or the Jack Rabbit. I’m sure Rebecca is trying to decide what toy she wants – Alphabet Lace Place or Hammer Away.

Sweet Lord. What an interesting day.

The shoe sale

Every year, Footprints has an annual warehouse sale in Lawrence, Kansas. Birkenstocks consist of about 90 % of my footwear and have since college (no, I’m not a lesbian), so this is a sale that I look forward to for months in advance.

Saturday was the big day, so we drug the kids out of bed, shoved Nutrigrain bars and milk at them and headed off to Lawrence (about 45 minutes away), but still didn’t arrive until 10:30. You really need to get there at the crack of dawn to get the good shoes, but it was impossible to make it there that early with children, so by the time we got there, it was very picked over.

Imagine a huge warehouse, filled with people shoving each other out of the way to get to an area with a bunch of shoes somewhere around their size and grabbing boxes. After you manage to snag a few boxes, you try to find a place to sit so you can actually try the shoes on. It’s fabulous! And at 10:30, it was still pretty damn crowded with people.

This year, I decided to make a serious fashion switch. Instead of Birkenstocks, I went for the Keens. After elbowing, shoving and grabbing, I got myself a really cute pair of tennis shoes at half off.

And so did Eric.

He went outside to wait with the kids while I paid because they were getting a little antsy. Georgia started “the holler.” I don’t even know how to describe “the holler.” She barely opens her mouth, gets a very determined look on her face and emits a very high-pitched tone. It almost sounds like the Emergency Broadcasting System tone. Loud, shrill and extremely annoying. She’s not mad when she does it and she’s not crying, but she knows it gets a reaction. In this case, the reaction was a warehouse full of people looking around for the baby alarm while I was trying unsuccessfully to shove a paci in her mouth. We all know how much I enjoy hundreds of eyes focused on me and my children, so I sent Eric out the door with the kids.

After I waited in line and warded off the line cutters, I exited the warehouse, and Eric looked at me and gasped. “What happened to your hand?” I looked down, and my hand was mysteriously bloodied. Huh. I have absolutely no recollection of how that happened. But the way I figure it, if you leave a shoe sale bloodied and with a good pair of shoes, it was a success.

Before heading home, we stopped at Spangles and Dunkin Donuts – two treats we don’t have in Kansas City. You all may remember how much I enjoy Munchkins. *drool* Then we drove back to KC while basking in the glory of our shoe triumph. It was a great day.

Morgen's Halloween Meme

Morgen over at It's A Blog Eat Blog World is the queen of Memes! This week, he created his latest - the Halloween Meme. After harrassing him about it, he finally tagged me. So, here it is!

1. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen?

Halloween! The birth of the slasher/horror film. I saw this movie when I was a little girl (yes, my parents were way too lenient about what I watched), and it scared the crap out of me. I think it’s the music – that is the scariest damn music I have ever heard in my life. I have since had many a nightmare about being chased by Michael Myers (This also may explain why I have an unnatural fear of William Shatner). And the movie still scares me today even though I’ve probably seen it 100 times.

2. What was your favorite Halloween Costume from childhood?

Madonna. I think that was sixth grade. Mini skirt, fishnet stockings, lots of jewelry, big hair. I loved it so much, I continued that look throughout the rest of my junior high career.

3. If you had an unlimited budget, what would your Fantasy Costume be for this Halloween?

Cleopatra. Then I could hire lots of half-naked men to carry me around on one of those canopy things on their shoulders. (What exactly are those called? Anyone? Anyone?)

4. When was the last time you went Trick Or Treating?

Last year. . . I’m serious. Eli was carrying his little trick-or-treat bucket, and I was carrying Georgia’s. She was four months old. I think everyone knew who I was really trick-or-treating for.

5. What's your favorite Halloween Candy?

Kit Kats. I freaking LOVE Kit Kats!!

6. Tell us about a scary nightmare you had.

This is a tough one because I have so many nightmares. Pretty much every time I remember a dream, it’s a nightmare. I hope that doesn’t mean I have a twisted psyche. The recurring theme in my nightmares is that I am often being chased, and I can’t get anyone to help me or listen to me. I’m always quite frustrating.

I have been chased by big dogs, snakes, purple cartoon monsters, vampires, Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, a faceless man with an axe, Charles Manson and giant clowns. The one with the clowns was very interesting. The clowns carried these giant lightbulbs that held all their power and to defeat the clowns, you had to break their lightbulbs, but if they caught you, they would kill you. Jeez, what is WRONG with me?!

7. What is your Supernatural Fear?

Ghosts. I thought it would be fun to spend the night in a haunted hotel once (this is before we had kids), and I couldn’t sleep. I had heard all the stories about the hotel, and I was waiting for a ghost to come walking across the room at any minute. I was terrified to even get out of bed to use the bathroom.

8. What is your Creepy-Crawlie Fear?

Do snakes count? I’m going with snakes. They give me the heebie-jeebies, and I don’t know why. I’ve never had any bad experiences with snakes. They just look evil. And they’re slimy. And I recently had a dream that my cat morphed into a snake. *shiver* Scary!

9. Tell us about a time when you saw a ghost, or heard something go Bump in the night.

Right after Eric and I got married, we moved into this duplex. It was old, and it always gave me the creeps, but it was cheap. Anyway, at that time, Eric worked a lot of nights. Whenever he was gone, weird things would happen. I would sit down to watch TV and it would go fuzzy, but when I would get up to go fiddle with it, it would come back on right when I got to it. This would happen four or five times in a row, like someone thought it was funny. Or I would be baking, and a bowl full of something that was setting in the middle of a flat counter would slide off.

The scariest thing that happened was when I was showering one night, and I had my eyes closed rinsing out my hair when a hand grabbed my leg. I screamed, and then said, “Jesus Eric, that is NOT funny!” No answer. I quickly rinsed the soap out of my eyes and got out of the shower. Eric was not home and there was no one there. I think we lived with a ghost who had a very twisted sense of humor!

10. Would you ever stay in a real Haunted House overnight?

Hell no! See #7. I know they say ghosts can’t hurt you, but I’ve seen Poltergeist. I’m not messing around with that sh*t!

11. Are you a traditionalist (just a face) Jack O'Lantern Carver, or do you get really creative with your pumpkins?

Personally, I like the face. My husband gets very creative and elaborate. He always carves one really intricate design, and he does one fun one for the kids. I think last year he did Elmo. They’re very good, but they require waaaay more patience than I possess.

12. How much do you decorate your home for Halloween?

We don’t overly decorate because our decorations have to be baby-friendly or out of reach of little hands. We put a sign on the front door that says Eli’s pumpkin patch, and the traditional Halloween cut-outs in the window. Pumpkins go on the front porch. And this year, Eric got creative with the jigsaw and made this lovely display for the front yard. It’s lit up at night so you can just see the silhouette.

13. What do you want on your Tombstone?

I’ve always said I’m going to have, “I told you I was sick.” Because in that situation, people are going to need to laugh!

Now, who shall be my next victim? Muuuwaahaahaaahaa! I shall tag Ian, Kristie, and Irene. And I'll leave it at three! Please give Morgen at It's a Blog Eat Blog World credit since he created this Meme. And visit his page after you're done, so he can list you!

100 Posts!!

I just realized that my last post was my 100th post!!

Where's my parade, dammit? Where is it?!

My new purse

My new purse came today in the mail. Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal. I got a new purse. Woo hoo. Well, here is a picture of it.

Okay, so it’s not actually a purse. It’s a Discovery Toy Chest. But my mind works in strange ways. I despise going up to strangers and pushing toys. I feel as though I’m the smarmy guy a block away from the school ground trying to sell crack cocaine. “Pssst. Hey buddy.”

I thought if I carried around this purse, people would say, “Oh, that’s a cute (interesting, strange, insert your own adjective) purse. Where did you get it?” To which, I could respond, “Discovery Toys, which I sell. You could earn this and other toys for free, yada, yada, yada.”

I personally thought this was a good idea. My husband smirked at me. My friends outright laughed at me and then said, “You’re not REALLY going to carry that around in public, are you?”

Well, after I received my purse today and stuffed all my belongings into it, I took off to run errands. Sonic, Beauty Brands, Franklin Covey, and Wal-Mart. Before I hit Wal-Mart, nobody had even looked at me cross-eyed. Imagine my joy when a woman in Wal-Mart said, “Oh, that is so cute! Where did you get your purse?” YIPPEE! My plan worked. After a few minutes of conversation, the Wal-Mart lady was interested in hosting a party and is excited about the free toys she can get for her son. Do I rock or what?

Imagine the look of shock on my husband’s face when I came home and related my news. “You mean that thing actually works?!” Yes. Yes, it does!

13 Pet Peeves

I’m sure I have many more than 13 pet peeves, but these are the ones that came to me off the top of my head. Happy Thursday Thirteen!!

1. People who hang up the phone without saying good-bye – My brother says, “I have to go.” Click. I was on the phone with my neighbor yesterday (Not Stalker Betty, but Crazy Donna), and she said, “Take care.” Click. Don’t people say good-bye, bye, bye-bye. I’d take any of those!

2. Men who don’t change diapers – I have actually met women who can’t be away from the house that long because their husbands refuse to change diapers. I can’t believe these women don’t leave these self-centered Neanderthals. I truly believe there is a special place in hell for men who don’t change diapers.

3. Mock apple pie – a pie made out of soggy crackers. WTF?

4. Boobahs and Teletubbies – I know I have mentioned in previous blogs how much I despise these evil characters and want them to die a slow, painful death. It’s worth mentioning again.

5. People who forget to eat – Yes. I have come into contact with a person who said, “I was so busy, I just forgot to eat!” I often forget my age, and there have been times I have forgotten my children’s names, but forgetting to eat? Are you freaking kidding me? You have to be a special kind of stupid for that one.

6. Middle of the night cat gack – My cat’s favorite time to have a hairball is around 2:00 – 3:00 a.m. He strategically gacks it up near a doorway, so I can step in it when I get up to check on my daughter or go to the bathroom. Cat gack between your toes is a very unpleasant feeling, especially in the middle of the night.

7. Men who say, “What’s wrong with you? Is it that time of the month?” Or worse – “Are you on the rag?” Any man who says this is taking his life into his own hands because that is grounds for justifiable homicide.

8. Markers that stain – Just spend the extra money and get Crayola markers. The cheap ones stain clothes and faces. Children don’t enjoy getting a rubdown with nail polish remover to get marker off their faces.

9. People who give Eli the eye. Yes, I know my son has quite an imagination, and bops to the beat of his own 4-year-old drummer. Sometimes, this entails him dancing down the hall in full-bodied dance spasms. But I don’t like people giving him the eye that says, “Look at the weird kid.” He’s four! He’s creative! Even if he does often act like Stuart from Mad TV. (If any of you don’t know who that is, please enjoy the video clip below.)

10. Dead people in commercials. I love Audrey Hepburn, but I do not need to see her selling pants for the freaking Gap!!!

11. Children at R-rated movies – I would have enjoyed The Ring much more if the woman in front of me hadn’t decided to bring her 7-year-old and 4-year-old with her. Did she think the fact that there were children in the movie made it a family film?!

12. People who don’t RSVP. If I have any sort of a gathering that requires an RSVP, the people that refuse to do so, owe me the money for their share of the food.

13. A bed made incorrectly. Yes, this is part of my OCD. After 12 ½ years of marriage, my husband finally learned the right way to make a bed. They’re called hospital corners. It’s not that difficult!