Monday, December 31, 2007

Manic Monday - Key

When I saw this week’s Manic Monday word was Key, I immediately thought of those key parties they supposedly had in the 70’s. Did those things really exist or is that just an urban myth?

Anyway, that thought didn’t last for very long because on Friday night my daughter woke up at midnight, and an interesting story ensued.

We like to have Georgia’s door open at night so we can hear her if she needs us. Before we went to bed around midnight, Eric went to open her door. Either she wasn’t asleep, or an open door was the shot of adrenaline a toddler needed to bolt upright in bed. “Daddy!” she screamed. Then she jumped out of bed and ran out of her bedroom to find me before Eric could catch her.

She quickly climbed into bed and began jabbering like she had just been on an adventure. She kept repeating the phrases, “Yo ho ho! I a pirate!” and “The blue key opens treasure chest! Treasure chest, mama! The blue key!” Over and over again. “Treasure chest, mama! The blue key!”

After about 30 minutes of this (Yes, we listened for awhile. She was quite entertaining.), we put her back to bed. I was wondering if she had some sort of manic dream, or if she was vividly remembering something she had seen on TV.

Flash forward to this afternoon. I put in Georgia’s Dora Saves The Mermaids DVD so I could get some work done on the computer. I have gotten to the point where I honestly block out most children’s television, but my head popped up when I heard the phrase “blue key.” Oh yes, a pirate parrot, nonetheless was proclaiming that you needed the blue key to open the treasure chest!

I quickly realized that on Friday night, Georgia wasn’t relating a dream, she was reciting Dora Saves The Mermaids! Mystery solved!

And so comes the knowledge that I should start paying more attention to what my children watch on television. Especially when I walked into the family room today and Eli was playing Legos on the floor while Eric watched Superbad.


Friday, December 28, 2007

Milk It!

For the last three days, I have been enjoying the best Christmas present EVER! Are you ready?

No, that’s not your local Starbucks - that is my kitchen!! Oh yeah, baby! Eric got me an espresso machine AND three huge bottles of Ghirardelli syrup in dark chocolate, white chocolate and caramel. I am in heaven.

Eric is thrilled because I haven’t been to Starbucks once this week. The problem is that I have had so much coffee at home, I don’t think I have slept in three days. Loving that caffeine high!

I think I can now make a perfect white chocolate mocha. (The baristas at Starbucks can eat their hearts out!) Eli is also enjoying the new machine because I have been making him the caramel steamers that he loves so much at Starbucks. I’m still perfecting those. Apparently, I get them “way too hot, mama!”

Just to give you an idea how much pleasure I am getting, on Tuesday, “we” went through an entire gallon of milk. On Wednesday, I bought another gallon, and by Thursday night, it was almost gone again. I really need to cut down. I’m sure that will happen once the novelty wears off, right? In the meantime, I’m going to switch from 2 percent to Skim. Justification is the key.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

13 Other Uses For A Cock Cozy

I posted the other day how my husband received a “warmer” as a Christmas gift from my dad. My readers told me it was called a cock cozy. Well, my son has asked so many times what it is, we had to come up with some other answers. I was having brain freeze, but I brainstormed with Morgen from It's A Blog Eat Blog World, and he is an expert on alternate uses for a cock cozy. Imagine that!

1. Dildo dust cover

2. Cell phone holster

3. House elf hat

4. Water bottle sock

5. Lube bottle hider

6. Stocking for a one-legged cat

7. Zucchini cover

8. Parsnip protector

9. Carrot carrier

10. Vase for plastic canvas flowers from Blind Aunt Millie

11. Fireplace match holder

12. Bathroom air freshener cozy

13. Mitten for fingerless Uncle Phil

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all my wonderful friends!

From my family to yours,

I hope all of you find joy and happiness in every moment of your holiday season!!

And a Happy New Year!!

Monday, December 24, 2007

Manic Monday - Joy

This week’s Manic Monday word is Joy! Be sure to visit the Manic Monday HQ, It’s A Blog Eat Blog World.

We just returned home after spending several days with both my family and Eric’s family. The holidays are always a stressful time, but I am constantly reminded how much joy they bring us as well. Here are just a few things that have given me joy over the last few days.

* I shop early and online. I had my Christmas shopping done a couple of weeks ago, thank God! When we passed the mall on our way home this evening, there was a line of cars from the highway going into the mall. I am so joyous I don’t have to go there!

* My son’s photography! Since Eli is developing a special talent with photography, Eric’s parents got him a digital camera of his own, as you can see below. He is loving it! Since yesterday, he has taken about 150 pictures, including several crotch shots of me. He needs to learn how to aim up. I will post some of his photos later in the week. I love all of the joy he is getting out of his camera.

* My family’s sense of humor. My dad, who is a big jokester, gave Eric a . . . . well, we’re calling it a “warmer” for Christmas. It even has a bell on the end. If you don’t think you know what it’s for, I’ll bet you do. Just think dirty.

* I love that I have a dad who is hilarious enough that he would give this to my husband as a gift. And I love that I have a husband who not only appreciates it, but happily shows it off to his family of shocked faces. Now if I can only get him to try it on long enough to take a picture . . .

* I love that my daughter gets so much joy out of her new winter coat because she thinks it makes her look like a princess.

* I get so much joy out of our Christmas eve tradition of making cookies for Santa. This year, it’s chewy chocolate ginger cookies. I can’t wait!!

* And lastly, I get so much joy out of all my friends, especially those friends I have made while blogging!

I hope you all have a very joyous Christmas, and find God’s grace in all the things in your life! Merry Christmas!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Topless Martha

I'm sorry for my meager postings this week. I'm currently out of town celebrating Christmas with the famn damily. In the meantime, I hope you'll enjoy Martha Stewart's Topless Christmas!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

13 Hilarious Quotes from The Ref

As I’ve mentioned previously, The Ref is one of my favorite holiday movies! If you like a good, dark-humored, snarky movie, you will love this one! It is hilarious! Here’s a brief synopsis:

Denis Leary plays Gus, a cat burglar, who takes an irritating Connecticut couple, Lloyd and Caroline (Kevin Spacey, Judy Davis), hostage. He soon finds that he took more than he bargained for when the couple's family steps into the picture. Before long they're driving him nuts with their petty bickering and family problems.

Here are 13 great quotes!

1. Caroline: How can we both be in the marriage and I'm miserable and you're content?

Lloyd: Luck?

2. Lloyd: You think my life turned out the way I wanted because I live in this house? You think every morning I wake up, look in the mirror and say "Gee I'm glad I'm me and not some 19-year-old billionaire rockstar with the body of an athelete and a 24-hour erection!" No I don't! So just excuse the shit out of me!

3. Gus: Do you know what this family needs? A mute!

4. Lloyd: You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.

5. Gus: What is the matter with you? I thought Mothers were sweet and nice a-a-and Patient. I know loan sharks who are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain't dead, lady. He's hiding.

6. Gus: Connecticut is the fifth ring of hell.

7. Lloyd: Caroline, the day you see anything through to the end, I'll stick my own dick in my ear.

8. Lloyd: I suppose you'll use this drama as a reason to have another affair. I feel sorry for the next delivery man that comes to this house!

9. Lloyd: What's your name? Gus: Fuck you, that's my name.

10. Lloyd: [to the therapist referring to their son] In the ninth grade we said he could get a part time job. Are you ready for what he did? He started an escort service for the football team, and he gave out my mother's phone number!

Caroline: And I still say getting laid by an 18-year-old linebacker is just what she needs!

11. George: Yeah? Well, maybe Santa won't come back next year. Maybe he and the Easter Bunny will take a fuckin' cruise to Jamaica and you can eat your own lousy cookies!

12. Boy: Santa doesn't drink champagne. Santa only drinks milk.

George: [quietly] Listen. Santa can't drink no more milk. Santa has a lactose intolerance, and it gives him horrible gas pains. Do you want to see Santa farting down everybody's chimney?

13. Lloyd: So, do you think we should go untie everybody?

Caroline: No. I think we should unwrap them in the morning. It'll be more festive.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Wordless Wednesday - Eli the Photographer

My 5-year-old son, Eli, took this picture!!! He is becoming quite the photographer!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Schweaty Balls

Saturday Night Live has been rerunning their Christmas skits recently. I have forgotten how freaking hilarious some of these are. Here is one of my favorites. It's not Christmas without some schweaty balls!

Guide To A Healthy Home

Recently, the kind folks at sent me the “What to Expect: Guide To A Healthy Home.” It’s awesome! It’s by the same group of people who does What To Expect When You’re Expecting and What To Expect The Toddler Years (two of my favorite resources). The best thing about this new guide is that you can download it absolutely FREE if you Click Here!

Guide To A Healthy Home is a great way to get some much-needed help during the height of the cold and flu season! Especially as we are in the midst of the holiday season, we are inviting more people than usual into our homes, and hugging, kissing, and shaking hands with a huge number of people. Great, unless someone has a cold or fever brewing!

The Guide takes a look at each room in the house – bedroom, bathroom, playroom and kitchen – and details many comprehensive tips you can follow to keep your house healthy. Not only that, but The Guide also explains the necessary steps you can take to make sure your food is safe, right down to breast milk and formula!

I don’t know about you, but I am concerned about what happens when I leave the house and come into contact with others who may not be as health-conscious as I am. Yes, call me a germiphobe! I mean it’s easy enough to keep my house clean, but what happens when we venture outside? I remember that when my son was a baby, I barely took him out of the house for the first six weeks of his life.

Guide To A Healthy Home addresses those concerns, as well, with tips on how to deal with public restrooms, playgrounds, the family car (who knew?), and child care centers. It also addresses how important it is to pass along that “clean gene” to your child and teach them the importance of how to keep those nasty germs at bay.

This Guide is helpful for everyone, but especially for us moms! I recommend you go to their site and download it absolutely free! If you don’t want to go to the trouble of printing it out, you can go to the What To Expect Web site, and they will mail you a copy of “What to Expect: Guide To A Healthy Home” absolutely free!

Monday, December 17, 2007

Manic Monday - Carol

This week’s Manic Monday word is Carol. Am I twisted that the first thing I thought of was Carol Brady. I mean come on, for us children of the 70’s, she has to be the most famous Carol, right?

Being in a festive spirit, this immediately got me thinking about A Very Brady Christmas. Oh yeah, kids! I’m sure you all lovingly remember this 1988 TV movie that reunited all of the original cast except for Susan Olsen (Cindy Brady). Supposedly, she was on her honeymoon in Jamaica during the filming of the movie, but I have heard many other rumors.

In the movie, Mike and Carol Brady (who look like they’ve been to one to many Passion Parties the way they’re playing grab-ass through the whole movie) try to reunite the entire family for Christmas. Since it wouldn’t be The Brady Bunch without everyone having a zillion personal problems of their own, it’s easy to imagine that chaos ensues. Here is a rundown:

Marcia: Marcia's husband just lost his job, and doesn't want to go to her family's on Christmas out of sheer embarrassment. They have two kids. They finally agree to come, but under the rule that nobody mentions hubby’s career troubles.

Greg: Greg’s now a doctor and married to the nurse who works under him (wink). She doesn’t want to attend the Brady’s Christmas Love Fest because she wants to go to her family’s instead. So, Greg comes home by himself, bringing one of his two children.

Jan: In the middle of a nasty split with her husband, Jan is so fearful of spoiling her family's happy holiday that she actually asks her estranged husband to pretend everything's fine and join them for Christmas. He agrees, because who wouldn't want to spend the biggest day of the year with their ex-wife's gigantic nosy family in another state.

Peter: Peter doesn't want his girlfriend to join him at Christmas because his family will find out that she's his boss. Peter takes great shame in making less money than his woman (the male chauvinist pig). He agrees to take her along, but makes her promise to keep their positions a secret.

Bobby: He's a bit apprehensive about coming home, since he's been keeping a dark secret from the family: he dropped out of business school to pursue a career as a race-car driver. Bobby agrees to come, but isn't planning on spreading the truth about his current career path.

Cindy (played by Jennifer Runyon): Cindy doesn't want to come because she doesn't want her family to find out that she's not really Cindy, and rather an obsessive stalker who killed the real Cindy and took her place. Okay, I’m kidding. Actually, she doesn't want to come because she already planned a ski trip with her graduating college class, and she is pissed feeling that she was 'told' to go, not 'asked.'

Alice: We can't forget Alice! She pays a surprise visit to Carol and Mike after Sam the Butcher leaves her a Dear John note, detailing his affair with a younger woman! (the two-timing bastard.)

In addition to all of this, Mike spoils everyone’s plans by getting trapped in one of his buildings on Christmas Eve. Luckily, it’s The Brady Bunch, so he gets out because Carol and the rest of the family band together and . . . wait for it . . . sing 'O Come All Ye Faithful'. Yes, seriously.

If you haven’t had the pleasure of enjoying A Very Brady Christmas, I highly recommend it. If you’re a Brady fan, it’s a must-see. If you’re not, well, there are so many people making out in the movie, it’s almost like watching Skinemax at 2 a.m.

Now for reasons not related to the rest of my post at all, please enjoy this brief Christmas Carol, as sung by Tarzan, Tonto and Frankenstein:

Sunday, December 16, 2007

I'm Addicted . . .

to JibJab! And my kids are loving it, too. Here's the snowball fight video I did with Eric and I, the kids, and my mom.

Non-Crappy Holiday eCards on JibJab

Saturday, December 15, 2007

It's a Wonderful Life - Morgen Style!

This is seriously the funniest damn thing I have ever seen. Morgen posted this on It's A Blog Eat Blog World yesterday, and it is so awesome I asked to steal it and post it here as well. You have to watch it if you haven't seen it yet. Freaking hysterical!

Don't send a lame Holiday eCard. Try JibJab Sendables!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Recipe Friday

I was going to write a blog about Eli’s Christmas program today at school, but after a day of Georgia screaming, I just don’t think I have the energy. Seriously, there may have been about 30 minutes this morning when her head wasn’t spinning around. That’s about it.

I did manage to get Eli’s Christmas program on video, so hopefully I will get that uploaded to YouTube soon. There’s nothing cuter than a bunch of 3-5 year-olds singing Jingle Jingle Little Bells.

Right now, I wanted to post my Sweet and Spicy Party Mix recipe. I make it every year for Christmas. It is awesome. It’s an old recipe, and I kept tweaking until I finally got the right sweet/salty/spicy combination. This rocks! I only make it at Christmas time because I can literally eat all of it in one sitting.

Sweet and Spicy Party Mix

6 cups Kix cereal
6 cups Honey Nut Cheerios (this gives it the sweet flavor!)
6 cups Corn Chex
4 cups pretzel sticks
2 cans mixed nuts
1 ½ cups vegetable oil
2 Tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
4 teaspoons Tobasco sauce

In a large roasting pan, combine cereals, nuts and pretzels. In separate bowl, mix vegetable oil, Worcestershire sauce and Tobasco. Pour over cereal mixture, and stir cereal until it is well coated.

Bake at 200 for about 1 hour, stirring every 10 minutes. Store in air tight container.


Thursday, December 13, 2007

13 Interesting Facts About It’s A Wonderful Life

If you all tuned into The Mo Show Wednesday, you heard Morgen express his complete and utter dislike for It's A Wonderful Life. This holiday classic happens to be one of my absolute favorite films! I thought I would do a special Thursday Thirteen, dedicated to you Morgen, for this beautiful film!

1. Originally ended with “Ode to Joy”, not “Auld Lang Syne”.

2. The Bells of St. Mary’s is showing at the movie theatre as George runs down the street in Bedford Falls near the end of the film. Henry Travers, who plays Clarence the Angel, starred in that film as Horace P. Bogardus.

3. For the scene that required Donna Reed to throw a rock into the window of the Granville House, Frank Capra hired a marksman to shoot it out for her on cue. To everyone’s amazement, Donna Reed broke the window with true aim and heft without assistance of the hired marksman.

4. James Stewart was nervous about the phone scene kiss because it was his first screen kiss since his return to Hollywood after the war. Under Frank Capra’s watchful eye, Stewart filmed the scene in only one unrehearsed take, and it worked so well that part of the embrace was cut because it was too passionate to pass the censors.

5. The movie drew fierce criticism for its political statements about post-WWII society when it was released in 1946. Even the FBI labeled it a “subversive” movie and charged that its use of a nasty, Scrooge-like businessman “was a common trick used by communists.”

6. The gym floor that opens up to reveal a swimming pool was real and was located at Beverly Hills High School in Los Angeles.

7. This was the first and last time that Frank Capra produced, financed, directed and co-wrote one of his films.

8. At $3.7 million, this was a very expensive independent production. In its initial box office run, it only earned $3.3 million.

9. James Stewart cited George Bailey as being his favorite character. The part was originally developed at another studio with Cary Grant earmarked for the role. When Frank Capra inherited the project, he rewrote it to suit Stewart.

10. After the war, Frank Capra set up Liberty Films with George Stevens and William Wyler to make more serious, soul-searching films. This was Liberty’s only production.

11. The instant that George says “God” on the bridge, it starts snowing, showing that he is back in the real world.

12. The scene on the bridge where Clarence saves George was filmed on a back lot on a day where the temperature was 90 degrees Fahrenheit. This is why James Stewart is visibly sweating in a few scenes.

13. The set for Bedford Falls was constructed in two months and was one of the longest sets that had ever been made for an American movie. It covered four acres of the RKO’s Encino Ranch. It included 75 stores and buildings, main street, factory district and a large residential and slum area. The Main Street was 300 yards long, three whole city blocks!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I'm Crashing The Mo Show!

Hey all! I am honored to be co-hosting with Mo Wednesday night on The Mo Show!! Woo hoo!! Mo and I will be chatting about Holiday Specials, and he has already told me that he doesn't like "that Jimmy Stewart movie." Ohhhhhhh, I can see I have some issues I'm going to need to deal with!

I hope you will all join us on Blog Talk Radio on Wednesday night at 7 p.m. EST, or 6 p.m. my time CST. I am looking forward to it!!


It’s never a joy when my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night. But when she’s screaming at the top of her lungs, it’s even worse. This was the case last night at about 4 a.m. She erupted screaming, and scared the crap out of me. I jumped up to run to her room and noticed that it was freezing ass cold. Since it was about 20 degrees outside, I didn’t think much of it.

When I opened the door to Georgia’s room, she was standing in the middle of her room screaming. I scooped her up and noticed she was shivering. I took her back to bed with me and cuddled her in between Eric and I, and she fell back asleep. Nowhere in this situation did it occur to me as strange that the house was so effing cold! Maybe it was because I was sleepy and just wasn’t thinking. I’m not sure.

When the alarm went off at 6:30, I got up to go to the bathroom and just about froze my fun parts off. I hurried back in bedroom and nudged Eric. “I don’t think the heat is working.”

Eric: “MmmmHmmmm.”
Me. “Hey! I don’t think the heat is working!”
Eric: “What?”
Eric: “Of course the heat is working. I didn’t turn it off.”

*Sigh* I didn’t say the heat was off, I said it wasn’t working. Finally, I got Eric out of bed and he ran to the thermostat. Sure enough . . .

Eric: “Uh-oh.”

That’s never a good sign! Apparently, the thermostat was completely blank. After a few minutes of me panicking, Eric finally realized that the thermostat just needed new batteries. He took it off the wall and saw that it took three AA batteries.

He went to the battery drawer. There were no AA batteries. I yelled, “Go to my Passion Party bag and pick a vibrator! There are AA batteries in those!”

A couple of minutes later, I heard the glorious sound of the heat clicking on. Eric came back into the bedroom and said, “I pulled out the biggest vibrator I could find, and it had three AA’s in it.” Well, praise the lord for Passion Parties!

What concerns me more is that we have an ice storm coming tonight. If we were that bad for one night without heat, we are going to be soooo screwed if we lose power!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Manic Monday - Ornament

This week’s Manic Monday word is ornament. This is actually an issue that has been causing me a lot of problems this year.

Eli is really into the tree decorating this year, and really wanted to make cookie ornaments that you see in magazines like Martha Stewart Living. Dude! I am sooooo not Martha Stewart. I tried to do the cookie ornaments one year, and they did not turn out. First, I discovered that you have to be good at decorating cookies. Second, I found that it takes a lot of patience. I was pretty much screwed on both fronts.

I make some kick-ass frosting, but my decorating skills consist of adding green food coloring and slapping it on a tree-shaped cookie. If I’m feeling really ambitious, I may dot the cookie with some red hots.

When you make cookie ornaments, it requires a little more skill. Even following the detailed instructions, my cookies were big globs. They looked like a snowman through up on them. After they were done, I realized that you were supposed to put the holes in the tops of the cookies before baking. Well, double crap. Just for the record, it is really difficult to try to poke holes in the cookies after baking without the cookies breaking.

After that experience, I decided the cookie ornaments were out. Eli’s second choice was to decorate the tree with candy canes. That sounded easy and economical – right up my alley! We went out and loaded up on candy canes and put them all on the tree when Georgia was napping. When she woke up, she thought she was in a Candyland paradise. She kept taking all of the candy canes off the tree and eating them. I have never seen a child unwrap a candy cane so fast. She even took some candy canes and hid them around the house so she could have them later. She must have been a dog in a previous life.

Once we decided that candy canes weren’t going to work, we just went with regular ornaments. Unfortunately, those attract Georgia, too. So our tree now has our beautiful ornaments clustered together near the upper portion of the tree. The bottom two-thirds of the tree simply has the lights. Fa la la la la.

As if that weren’t enough, my two best friends, Stacey and Andrea, decided we should just exchange ornaments this year instead of gifts since we are all strapped for cash. That sounded like a great idea in theory until I was standing in Target for 30 minutes trying to choose ornaments that represented my friends in some way. The children were getting very riled up, and Eric was yelling at me to “just pick two!!” I finally did, and I thought they were cool.

Stacey and Andrea and I got together the other night. When I opened Andrea’s gift, I thought, “oh crap.” It wasn’t a $5 ornament from Target. It was a homemade ornament with a college picture of the three of us in the middle that said “17 years of friendship.” I absolutely love it, but this made me realize that I have a lot to shoot for next year!

Saturday, December 08, 2007

My Favorite Christmas Song

Happy White Trash Christmas, Y'all!!

Friday, December 07, 2007


Just when I was flying high with my Christmas spirit, the humbug had to creep back in. Yesterday, after I took Eli to preschool, Georgia and I went to Gymboree so she could burn off some energy. I should have known things weren’t going to go well, when Georgia tried to climb on the roof of a bridge at Gymboree. When I got her down and tried to explain you’re not supposed to climb up there, I got screaming, complete with, “NO, I DON’T LIKE IT! NO! GO AWAY!” I should have picked up my lovely screaming child and left right then. But no.

I stayed there and chased my daughter around as usual. Unfortunately at Gymboree, you often have to step over and around the large apparatuses to get to your child. As I was stepping over this big cushiony block-like thing to get to Georgia, I stepped wrong on my ankle. I heard a very loud unnatural “POP!” and I went down. Thank God the place is covered in foam mats. Still, it hurt like a mo fo!

As I was trying hard not to cry (yes, I’m a girl), I was also trying to hide my embarrassment. I mean come on, no matter how serious the fall, the first thing you do is look around to see how many people saw you. Three other parents were running toward me, “OH MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?”

So, I immediately popped up on my good leg and said, “I’m FIIIINE! Happens all the time. Ha ha ha ha ha!” Bullshit. I could already feel it swelling up. But not only did I pretend to be fine, I finished the class, complete with doing the Gymbo dance with my daughter. Yeah, I must have been on crack. I think that only made it worse.

Before I went home, I hobbled into Target to get an ace bandage, and to ask the pharmacist if I should do ice or heat. (She said ice for 24 hours, then heat.) Now, while we were in Target, I put Georgia in the cart. Unfortunately, she refuses to sit in the front part of the cart, and likes to hang out in the back section – the “body” of the cart.

When I went to check out with my ace bandage, the cashier had the nerve to say, “We here at Target get very concerned when we see children riding in the body of the cart.” I glared at her and said, “Lady, are you f*cking kidding me? I have had a really bad morning. Are you calling me a bad mother?” I think she was a bit taken aback by my strong reaction, but dude! I was so not in the mood for that!

I then went home, iced my ankle, popped some Lortab and listened to The Mo Show. Needless to say, I am done with my Christmas shopping.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

13 Reasons I Wish I Were A Spice Girl

1. I love to sing the Zig-ah Zig-ah song!

2. I heard that David Beckham bought all five of them $100,000 diamond bracelets for the opening night of the Spice Girls tour.

3. Who wouldn’t want to be best friends with Scary Spice?

4. I could watch Spice World without trying to hide it.

5. I would learn some kick-ass dance moves.

6. I could get paid a ridiculous amount of money to dress like this.

7. They’re mega-rich.

8. Instead of “stay-at-home mom,” I could describe myself as a “kitschy cool pop idol.”

9. I could have my own “May-jah” catch word!

10. They’re all super skinny. (Seriously, Victoria Beckham could make an anorexic woman look like a heffer.)

11. A brand new Cavalli wardrobe that I wouldn’t have to pay for.

12. I would have occasion to see David Beckham’s rocking hot body on a regular basis.

13. I could come up with a fun nickname, like Mommy Spice . . . or Gravy Spice!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Special Hug

I thought I still had some time before the whole “where do babies come from” talk. I guess not. We had our first go around with Eli the other day, and the bad thing is that I’m the one that led us into the conversation without even realizing it. I’m still kicking myself.

Eli and I were having a discussion. He was upset because I wouldn’t let him have this toy gun that he wanted. I explained that he wasn’t allowed to play with guns – even pretend ones – as long as he lived with mommy and daddy. This is how the conversation went from there:

Eli: Well, can I have a gun when I’m grown up?
Me: If you choose to have a gun when you are grown up, then I guess you can get one?
Eli: Can I still live with you and daddy?
Me: When you're grown up, I doubt you’ll still want to live with mommy and daddy.
Eli: Yes, I will!! I would miss you if I didn’t live with you!
Me: I would miss you, too, sweetie, but aren’t you going to get married when you grow up?
Eli: Married?
Me: Yes. If you get married, is your wife going to live with us, too?
Eli: Well, I DO want to get married so I can have wedding cake, but my wife can’t live with us because Georgia doesn’t like strangers. My wife will just have to live someplace else.
Me: Okay. What if you have kids? Where are your kids going to live?
Eli: Kids? Well, I won’t have kids. Only women can have babies in their tummies, right? I can’t have a baby in my tummy.
Me: Well, it’s a little more complicated than that.
Eli: How does the baby get in there, anyway?
Me: Well, the daddy puts the baby in the mommy’s tummy.
Eli: Really? So daddy put me in your tummy?
Me: Yes, he did.
Eli: How did he get your tummy open to put me in there?
Me: ERIC! Come here! Eli has a question for you!

Then Eric came in and I said, “Eli wants to know how you got my tummy open to put a baby in there.” Oh, I certainly wish I had a camera to capture the look on Eric’s face at that moment.

His response was something like, “Well, hmmm, gee, there’s ummm, well . . . . there’s a special hug that mommies and daddies do.” That’s when I chimed in, “When they’re married and love each other very much.” Eric continued, “When they have this special hug, the daddy plants a seed in the mommy’s tummy and it grows into a baby.”

Eli: Really? So that’s how we got Georgia?
Me: Yes, that’s how we got Georgia.
Eli: Okay.

And off he went. As soon as he left the room, I saw the twinkle in Eric’s eye, and I knew exactly what was coming. “So,” he said. “You want a special hug?”
My husband is so predictable!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Manic Monday Ship

This week’s Manic Monday word is Ship. When I told my husband this week’s theme, he immediately started reminiscing about a cruise we took in ’99. “Don’t you think it’s time we went on another cruise,” he asked, while looking outside where it is 30 degrees and windy, “to a beach . . .”

Okay, that actually does sound very appealing. But the idea of taking Georgia on a cruise? I’ll bet she could scream loud enough that the whole ship could hear her. Hmmm . . . maybe we’ll shelve that vacation idea for a couple more years.

I’ve actually been thinking about when my Christmas orders are going to ship. As I mentioned last week, I have ordered so many of my Christmas presents online. I was so proud of myself this year. I actually placed all of my orders before December so they would be here in plenty of time.

Today, I got an email on one of my orders. One of the items I got for Eric is on backorder. My response was a muttered #*@$! All it said was that my item would ship as soon as possible. Dude! This means I’m going to have to actually go to a store. This sucks. Maybe I can get my husband to accept sexual favors for Christmas instead.

Oh, speaking of sex, be sure and come back tomorrow because I'm going to write about the conversation I had with my 5-year-old son this weekend when he asked where babies came from. I would have posted that today, but I couldn't figure out how to work the word "ship" in there.

But along the lines of sexual favors and making babies, don’t forget to order your Passion Party essentials for the holidays. Passion Party items make great Christmas gifts. You have to check out my Holiday Specials. Right now, I’m offering the Pure Passion Duo - Pure Instinct Sexual Attractant Cologne absolutely free to anyone who orders Pure Satisfaction Unisex Enhancement Gel – that’s a $21 value! We also now have a stripper’s pole – My Sexy Little Pole, along with some other great specials. Be sure to order early, so I have plenty of time to ship your sensual items for the holidays. Ho Ho Ho!

Friday, November 30, 2007

Click and Shop

I do not like to shop. Maybe I'm the anti-woman, but seriously, if I have to be in the mall for a long period of time, I start to hyperventilate. I don't like all the people. I don't like sales pressure, and I don't like spending money I don't have on things I don't need (which I always manage to do).

What's worse is spending hours searching for something and not buying anything at all.
When online shopping was invented, I fell to my knees and gave thanks. Woo hoo! Anything to keep me out of the mall at the holidays. I live two minutes from the mall, and at this time of the year, there are actually policemen there directing traffic. It's crazy.

In fact, I have almost all of my shopping done, and I have managed to do it all online except for one brief trip to Target. Eric is getting into the online spirit, too, except he has discovered a slight glitch.

All packages are delivered during the day when I am home and he is not. I don't open anything, but the problem is that companies are very proud of their products and the boxes say exactly what they are. Dude! I'm trying, but I can't ignore a box that says "Canon Digital Camera" with a picture on the side. (I'm very excited about that gift, by the way!)

When I called Eric and said, "A new camera with a printer?! Thank you!!" His response was something I can't repeat here. He was not happy. He finally decided that if I only knew one of my presents, it wasn't a big deal.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of things. I had talked about how much I wanted a nice espresso machine. My thought is that I could really cut down the cost of my Starbucks trips if I had the machine and all the syrups to make my drinks at home. Right?

So last week, guess what package arrived? "Ghiradelli Flavored Syrups" Woo hoo! That means I am getting my espresso machine. Eric was pissed. I am thrilled! Merry Christmas to me!

Now, I really have to finish my shopping. A few more point and clicks, and I'm almost done.

Incidentally, if anyone wants to buy some great gifts online, be sure to check out The Wren's Nest, owned and operated by my friend Morgen of It's A Blog Eat Blog World. He has some awesome products and super great prices. It's the perfect online spot for the perfect gift. Click below to visit The Wren's Nest now, or click on the icon in my sidebar to the right. Happy shopping!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

13 Great Family Christmas Specials

1. Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) – A true classic. It wouldn’t be Christmas without Charlie Brown.

2. Frosty the Snowman (1969) – Jimmy Durante narrates one of the best Christmas stories of all time.

3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) – Dr. Seuss’s timeless classic – and I don’t just love it because my daughter looks like Cindy Lou Who.

4. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) – Gotta love the stop motion animation! My kids love the book, and I really hope Eli is old enough this year to get into the TV special.

5. The Year Without Santa Claus (1974) – Santa Claus suffering from depression. Gotta love the 70’s.

6. Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974) – ‘74 was a good year for Christmas specials. And I love this one because come on – there’s nothing more fun than a vengeful Santa, who gets pissed off when he thinks a town doesn’t believe in him.

7. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (1970) - This is one of my favorites, narrated by Fred Astaire. It shares the story of how Santa Claus and other Claus-related Christmas traditions came to be.

8. The Little Drummer Boy (1968) – Another Rankin Bass TV special, yet this one actually has to do with Baby Jesus rather than Santa – imagine that!

9. Jack Frost (1979) – This claymation special tells the story of Jack Frost, the immortal winter sprite, and his adventures as a human.

10. Rudolph’s Shiny New Year (1976) – This sequel to Rudolph is a good one, though not shown as much. Rudolph helps Father Time save the New Year.

11. The Polar Express (2004) – A beautiful book and amazing movie for children of all ages.

12. A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) – The Muppet gang teams with the Sesame Street cast for a great Christmas special with some awesome holiday tunes.

13. Elmo Saves Christmas (1996) – Eli watched tis over and over and over last year, so I know it by heart. It’s a very sweet special of what happens when Elmo wishes that it were Christmas every day.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Am I Too Old For A Fist Fight?

I have decided that the phone nurse at my doctor’s office is evil to the core. Seriously. After our conversation today, I believe this woman has no soul. Isn’t it a nurse’s job to help patients?

When I called for antibiotics this morning, she wouldn’t even ask the doctor to prescribe them without seeing me first. (I was trying to get around an office visit since my children tend to veer toward the realm of crazy when I take them out in public.) When I asked this evil whore woman when I could come in, she said, “We don’t have any appointments available.”

Me: “So you can’t call in a prescription without seeing me, and you don’t have any office visits available?”
Her: “Well if you’re that bad, why don’t you go to urgent care?”

Oh no, she didn’t!!

I have now decided that I need to make an invention – one where I can reach through the phone line and bitch slap the person on the other end of it. Dude, as if I’m not having a hard enough day trying to entertain two bored children without leaving the house because I am sick, but now some bitch-ass nurse at the doctor’s office wants to rumble?

Then the woman all but hung up on me – yes really. I asked her to check with the doctor about the prescription and she sighed loudly and said “Fine” and hung up. She never called back.

I was going to call the office manager to complain, but instead I called scheduling to make an appointment with my doctor, who can get me in Wednesday morning. I think this whole nurse issue is a situation I need to deal with in person. And I plan to take my can of whoop-ass with me.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Manic Monday - Rank

This week’s Manic Monday word is Rank. The first thought that came to my mind was some of the rank diapers I have changed over the past few years. But since many of you vividly remember the picture of green diaper poo I posted on my blog a few months ago, I thought I would go in a different direction.

After a long holiday, I thought I would rank some of the important events (good and bad) of my Thanksgiving weekend. Here we go:

1. I made the best freaking Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Pie EVER!

2. I caught a horrific cold from my son, and now have no sense of smell.

3. The upside to that is that I have been unable to smell Georgia’s rank diapers.

4. The downside to that is that the poor girl is developing diaper rash because I can’t smell when to change her.

5. I discovered that despite having anti-oxidants, red wine unfortunately does not cure a cold.

6. Despite being sick, I wasn’t about to pass up a date night opportunity with my husband.

7. My husband felt sorry for me since I didn’t feel good and agreed to see a chick flick.

8. We saw Enchanted – loved it!

9. There is no sale big enough to force me to go to a mall on Black Friday.

10. A pony tail on a two-year-old is way too tempting for her older brother to ignore.

11. My daughter prefers eating cat food to my cooking.

12. I got a great family picture!

Friday, November 23, 2007

Georgia on YouTube

I have been attempting for so long to capture Georgia on video singing because it's too cute. The problem is that every time I pull out the camera, she stops what she's doing and says "CHEESE!" even if it's a video camera.

I was so happy this week because I thought I got a little bit of her singing. Eric said, "Ummm, that's YOU singing. Georgia's just playing piano." Well, f*#* it! I decided to post it anyway.

I hope everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving!!

Thursday, November 22, 2007

13 Things I'm Thankful For

1. Starbucks – Coffee in general really, but since I’m loving the egg nog lattes and the peppermint white chocolate mochas (!!), I’m going with Starbucks.

2. Spot remover – It’s sad what my kids do to my carpet. Thank God for spot remover.

3. Rachael Ray – Do you know how many recipes I have stolen from this woman over the last year? Love her!

4. Sleep – Both mine and my children’s. I listen to horror stories of my friends who are up all night with their babies, and I am thankful that my children are at an age where they sleep through the night. Woo hoo!

5. Triaminic Strips – Eli has had a cold this week, and those things are a godsend – they melt right on his tongue.

6. Noggin – Anything that maintains my children’s attention long enough that I can clean the bathroom is a definite winner!

7. Peanut Butter Cookie Crisp – The best breakfast cereal ever!

8. Project Runway – What would Wednesday nights be without Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum? Make it work, people!

9. ebay – Where else can I buy eight pairs of jeans for my son (in a size 5 slim) for $25?!!

10. Stretchy jeans- This may be the greatest invention ever – particularly on Thanksgiving.

11. Stemless wineglasses – I am horrible at knocking over wineglasses. I have much better luck with these. Yea, Crate & Barrel!

12. Tylenol PM – Since I drink so much caffeine (see #1), this is about the only thing that gets me to sleep most nights.

13. Whole Foods – I love that flipping store! From their sweet potato fries, to their organic chocolate truffles, everything in that place is an indulgence.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Who is that scary-ass man?

It’s that time once again – time for the kids to visit Santa for the annual holiday picture. I was so tired of past years when we have had to wait in line forever and listen to bitchy elves barking orders at us only to have Georgia scream her head off when she sees Santa.

This year, I decided to go early. I figured if nothing else, if we went before Thanksgiving, Santa wouldn’t be busy yet, and maybe we wouldn’t have to stand in line. That would alleviate at least be one part of the hassle.

On Sunday, we took the kids when the mall opened at 11 a.m. to see Santa and snap the annual photo. I was thrilled when I saw there actually wasn’t a line.

We twisted around the maze to get to Santa, and Eli – who had been chattering away in the car about the millions of items he wanted for Christmas – clammed up. Georgia took one look at Santa and wrapped her arms in a death grip around my neck, screaming, “NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOO! I DON’T LIKE IT! NOOOOO!” Well, crap.

Eric and the elves who take the photo were looking at me like, “It doesn’t look like she’s going to sit on Santa’s lap.” Oh, you wanna freakin bet? I came here to get a picture of the kids with Santa and that’s what I’m going to do. I pried her little arms off of my neck and sat her on Santa’s lap. By the scream she gave, you would have thought I was selling her into slave labor. (Yes, I’m horrible, but dammit, I wanted my Santa picture.)

I looked at the photo elf and said, “Take the picture. Now. I don’t care if she’s screaming.” That in itself was hard enough because Georgia was covering her sobbing face trying not to look at Santa. But we did finally get a picture. (I know you desperately want to see it, but that is this week’s Wordless Wednesday, so you’ll have to come back tomorrow.)

The elves were getting annoyed with me because I wanted them to snap more shots. In every photo where you could see Georgia’s face, Eli was making a weird face. Dude! This was not going well.

Finally, I took my screaming daughter from Santa and then just tried to get Eli to talk. I said, “Eli, did you ask Santa what kind of cookies we should make him for Christmas Eve?” Eli said nothing, and at that point, there was a line forming behind us. People were looking annoyed.

Oh fine. I took the kids and got my picture. As I was waiting on the picture, I looked at the three kids who were up next. They sat right down on Santa’s lap and put on big smiles for the camera. The little bastards.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Manic Monday - Relish

This week’s Manic Monday word is Relish. Since I am not a fan of relish the food, let’s see if I can employ this word in a different story.

This weekend, we took the kids to see Go, Diego, Go Live! The Great Jaguar Rescue. Now, I have told you all the tales of my daughter’s tantrums, so you can imagine that when my husband came to me and told me he had bought tickets for us to take the kids to a live show, I did not relish the thought.

Eric assured me it would be fine (yeah, because I’m the one that would be out in the lobby with the screaming girl). Anyway, Saturday was the big day, so we loaded up the kids and headed for the Music Hall in downtown Kansas City. After we paid our $7 parking (!!), we created a backup of people as Georgia had to hop up the stairs to the theatre.

Then we found our seats, and I saw that my loving husband had purchased box seats. Oh, praise the Lord! That meant there were only four other people in our box to hear us in case there was an issue.

Luckily, the kids are soooo into Diego and Dora that we didn’t have much of a situation. Georgia seemed to develop an instant dislike to the child in front of us and kept telling him to “GO AWAY!” But other than that, she took so much relish in the fact that she was seeing Diego Live! that when the music started, she was literally vibrating on my lap with excitement.

Oh yes, she did sit on my lap the entire time, as I knew she would. Unfortunately, we still had to purchase a ticket for her, so Eric let his annoyance be known at the fact that we purchased a $30 seat for our coats.

As soon as the show started, they told the kids to get up and practice their jaguar jumps. I thought they were trying to sabotage me, because once Georgia was up, it was difficult to get her seated again. Luckily my off-key singing calms her, and I know all the words to the Diego songs.

Speaking of which, am I the only one that thinks these songs are catchy? As I was belting out “Vamos Diego vamos! Al rescate, amigo. To the rescue my friend!” I noticed that I was the only parent who was singing along. Hmmm. What’s up with that?!

After the show was over, both kids were happy and exhausted. Apparently the letdown from that Diego high is a doozy. Eric was so happy that he’s already planning our next live show with the kids. And I might even consider taking Georgia to a movie. Do I dare?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Thanksgiving on a Stick

As Thanksgiving approaches, Eli’s class has been talking about the holiday a lot in preschool. The other day, his class made Thanksgiving decorations, and on their decorations, each student stated what they were thankful for. Yesterday, all the decorations were up in the hall. I started reading them, and many of the kids said things like, “I’m thankful for my mom.” or "I’m thankful for hugs from mommy.”

Then I got to Eli’s. His said, “I’m thankful for maps.” *sigh* Maps? Seriously? I looked over at a woman who was reading the decorations for the 3-year-old classroom. She looked equally bewildered. She said, “My son is thankful for the carpet cleaner guy.” HA!

When we got home from preschool, I was looking over the list for my Thanksgiving menu. Last year, everyone hated my pumpkin muffin stuffin. So, this year, I thought I would go with more of a cornbread stuffing. I found a great recipe. It takes chopped apples and walnuts in the dressing. After last year, I thought I should okay my ideas by my dinner guests.

So I called my dad. I asked if he would eat cornbread stuffing if I put apples and walnuts in it. Long pause. Then he said, “I don’t know why you would want to do that.” Dude! At this point, I may order Chinese takeout.

Except for the pie. That’s one thing I never get wrong. And this year, I found an awesome recipe for a Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Pie! Oh yeah, baby! I can’t wait to try this one! Are you ready? Here it is!

Chocolate Bourbon Pecan Pie

· 1 (9 inch) pie shell
· 1 cup white sugar
· 1 cup light corn syrup
· 1/2 cup butter
· 4 eggs, beaten
· 1/4 cup bourbon
· 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
· 1/4 teaspoon salt
· 6 ounces semisweet chocolate chips
· 1 cup chopped pecans

1. Preheat oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees F).
2. In a small saucepan combine sugar, corn syrup, and butter or margarine. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until butter or margarine melts and sugar dissolves. Cool slightly.
3. In a large bowl combine eggs, bourbon, vanilla, and salt. Mix well. Slowly pour sugar mixture into egg mixture, whisking constantly. Stir in chocolate chips and pecans. Pour mixture into pie shell.
4. Bake in preheated oven for 50 to 55 minutes, or until set and golden. May be served warm or chilled.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

My 13 Favorite Yankee Candle Scents

Yes, I have an addiction. I am addicted to Yankee candles! I love the damn things, and I have them all over the house. Some of the scents smell so good they’re down right orgasmic. These are a few of my favorites!

1. Spiced Pumpkin – My absolute favorite candle. Ever!

2. Hydrangea – This really smells exactly like hydrangeas. Love it!

3. Buttercream – Dude! Wedding cake frosting!

4. Golden Spiced Pear – It smells like I’m baking a fruit pie.

5. Autumn Wreath – A great combo of fall scents.

6. Witches Brew (Patchouli) – Eric’s absolute favorite scent!

7. Farmhouse Apple – Okay, anything that smells like I’m baking a pie is a winner.

8. Gingerbread – I can’t bake gingerbread cookies, but this smells like I am.

9. Sweet Honeysuckle – A very light scent. Great for summer!

10. Sage & Citrus – This one is a very interesting combination.

11. Lilac Blossoms – Besides hydrangea, this is the only other floral scent I like.

12. Country Linen – Why does the smell of clean laundry turn me on? Is that weird?

13. Jack Frost – Great peppermint-scented candle – perfect at Christmas time.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Sleep Deprivation

I don’t ever remember an age when I didn’t want to sleep if I had the chance. Maybe that’s why it bewilders me when I tell my children, “It’s nap time.” And their response is “Noooooooooo! I’m not tiiiiiiiiiired!!!!” And then they run screaming.

Dude! If someone told me it was naptime – Woo hoo! Today, I think I’m just slightly delusional because I didn’t sleep last night. Do you ever have one of those nights where no matter how many sheep you count or how much Tylenol PM you take, you CANNOT get to sleep?!

Today, I thought if I could just get the kids to take a nap, maybe I could take one too. (I’ll pause for a moment so everyone can laugh.) I really thought I had Eli worn out. He looked very drowsy, and I parked him in front of a Spongebob marathon on Nick Jr. Then I put Georgia down. As soon as she fell asleep, I was going to lie down.

Unfortunately, she had other ideas. I could hear her talking, counting, singing, clapping – everything except falling asleep. Finally, I poked my head in her room and smelled the unmistakable scent. I asked, “Georgia, did you poop?” She said, “Nooooooooo!” Uh-huh. That’s her answer to everything no matter what the question.

After changing her, I put her back down. Then she started screaming for her Backyardigans book, so I brought her a book. Then she screamed for milk. So I brought her milk. Then she screamed for a Dora book. Altogether, it took me two hours to get her to sleep!

By this time, it was almost time for Eric to get home from work, but I thought maybe I could still get about 30 minutes of shuteye. I went to lie down in my bed, and there came Eli bounding down the hall.

Eli: Mama! Have you seen my two quarters?
Me: They’re on the kitchen counter by the microwave.

Eli bounded off to the kitchen. Two minutes, here he came again.

Eli: Mama! Can we make caramel apples?
Me: Maybe when daddy gets home.

Off he goes. Two minutes later –

Eli: Mama! When you get up, can we play Hungry Hungry Hippos?
Me: Yes! But you have to leave me alone for just a few minutes first.

Two minutes later –

Eli: Mama! Can I have a piece of candy?
Me: NO!

Two minutes later –

Eli: Mama! For Christmas, I’m going to get you the thing that teaches you to dance like Hannah Montana. It even has a wig you can wear!

At that point, I just got up. Maybe I’ll get a nap tomorrow.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Manic Monday - Gravy

This week’s Manic Monday word is gravy. Oh, I was sooooo drawing a blank on this one. This weekend, I was working on my Thanksgiving menu, but I never include gravy because my gravy sucks! Seriously. My mom used to make gravy that made me want to drink it out of the bowl with a straw. Unfortunately, I did not inherit that talent.

Therefore, I went to IMDB, and decided to list a few TV and movie quotes about gravy. I was actually surprised there were so many. Here are some good ones!

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988)
Mike Nelson: “Get the holy drippings and make the sacred gravy.”

101 Dalmations: (1997)
Lucky: “Can’t we watch something besides the gravy channel?”

M.A.S.H. (1972)
Hawkeye: “The gravy was better than usual tonight . . . you could cut it with a fork.”

The Simpsons
Dr. Hibbert: “Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I’m more concerned about your gravy level.”

The Simpsons
Homer Simpson: “Now, wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day!”

Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1998)
Kathy Kinney: “I’m Gravy Spice!”

A Christmas Story (1983)
Ralphie as adult (narrating): “The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!”

Ghost Rider (2007)

Mack: “We were on the gravy train with biscuit wheels before you showed up.”

Head (1968)
Davy Jones: “And, uh, I’d like a glass of cold gravy with a hair in it, please.”

Kingpin (1996)
Ernie McCracken: “You’re on a gravy train with biscuit wheels.”

Kissin’ Cousins (1964)
Ma Tatum: “Aw shucks, it ain’t nothing but possum tails, owl gizzards, and grits fried in bear grease. And then that there gravy, that’s just goat’s milk with vulture eggs and mashed catfish eyes.”

Love and Death (1975)
Boris (after being grazed by bullet): “Does this come out, from dry cleaning, or is it like gravy?”

Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941)
Waitress: “You’re as funny as a cry for help! You also pulled that old gag about breaking your fork in the gravy!”

Friday, November 09, 2007

My Pedicure

My son continues to amuse me daily. He loves to go swimming at the community center, and we try to take him at least once a week. Early this week, he was constantly asking me if we could go swimming.

I told him that I couldn’t go swimming, but maybe daddy would take him swimming when he got home. Eli was annoyed, and kept asking why I couldn’t go swimming. Exasperated, I said, “Because I’m on my period, and I don’t like to go swimming when I’m on my period.” He paused and just said, “Oh. Okay.”

He didn’t mention it again for the rest of the afternoon. Fast forward three hours later to when Eric got home from work. Eli runs up to him and says, “Daddy, will you take me swimming tonight? Mama says she can’t go because she’s on her pedicure.”

Eric came to me looking very confused. As soon as I was able to stop laughing and catch my breath, I explained my ‘pedicure’ situation.

Eli seemed very confused about why his parents were doubled over with laughter.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

13 Items I Bought This Week That I Didn’t Need

1. Egg Nog Latte – Just when I’m doing really well at cutting down on Starbucks, here come the holiday drinks. How can I drive by without stopping for an egg nog latte? I need restraint.

2. Caramel Truffles – After all the Halloween candy, the last thing we needed was more chocolate. Yet, I walked into Whole Foods yesterday, and their holiday truffles were out. This year, they have caramel truffles. Kill me now.

3. Pirate’s Booty – Whole Foods had Pirate’s Booty on sale - 2 bags for $1.99. They practically jumped in my cart. The only problem is that they put crack in this stuff. If I sit down with a bag, and it’s gone in seconds.

4. Pumpkin Scented Candle – I was down to a six-month supply on candles, so you can see why I needed this. I didn’t have one that quite smelled like a freshly baked pumpkin pie.

5. Pull-ups – I thought these would go hand and hand with the Dora potty. Georgia thinks differently. She will not wear the pull-ups. In fact, she will run naked around the house until I show her that the only thing I am putting on her naked bottom is her regular diaper with the picture of Blue on it.

6. Honeyroasted sunflower seeds – Damn Whole Foods to hell!

7. Leftover Halloween candy – Okay, we have buckets full of Halloween candy, but we didn’t have any Heath bars . . . . or Take 5 bars. We do now.

8. Pantene shampoo and conditioner – Not my fault. Georgia threw it in my cart, and I paid for it before I noticed. Gaaaa!

9. More white wine – Okay, scratch that one. After potty training my daughter, this one falls in the “need” category.

10. Paddle brush – When you’re attempting to straighten curly hair, you need to blow dry with a paddle brush. Eric doesn’t get why my other (round) brush won’t work for that. So this one is a debated need. Of course, then he argues that I don’t “need” to straighten my hair. Dude.

11. Everything in the Nog family – In our house, we now have regular egg nog, pumpkin flavored egg nog and milk nog. Not only that, but I had to restrain myself from buying the apple spice flavored nog. See - clearly, I’m not insane.

12. Yogurt – I don’t particularly like yogurt, yet I buy it with the good intention of eating it, then it sits in the refrigerator until it passes its expiration date, I throw it away, and I buy more. Okay, maybe I am crazy.

13. Fur-lined Crocs for Georgia – The only shoes Georgia has wanted to wear since March were her Crocs. Since it was getting cold, I spent $30 (much to Eric’s chagrin) and bought her fur-lined Crocs. She hates them with a passion. When I attempt to put them on her, she kicks them off and screams so loud that she could shatter glass.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The Dora Potty

It’s that joyous time once again – none other than potty training. This is the most torturous thing a parent can go through with a 2-year-old. We decided it was about time to take this step with Georgia.

So far when I have talked about the potty, she has just looked at me like I am a crazy person. That is until I showed her the Dora potty. Ta Da!!! When I showed her a picture of this, she started jumping up and down. “PEE PEE DORA POTTY! PEE PEE DORA POTTY!”

Woo hoo! Could it really be this easy? I went to Babies R Us on Thursday afternoon and we bought the Dora Potty. On Friday morning, I had it all set up and ready to go. As soon as Georgia saw it, her pants were off. “PEE PEE DORA POTTY!” She sat and sat and sat. We sang songs. And then she got up and stood right in front of the potty and peed on the floor. She pointed down and happily proclaimed, “I PEED!”

I tried to explain how we go pee IN the potty, not BY the potty. She still seemed interested. A large part of the day, all she wanted to do was sit on her Dora potty. Yet every time she had to pee, she would get up and stand in front of the potty and pee on the floor. *sigh*

On Saturday, Eric tried with her. Same thing. On the floor. I still had hopes because at least over the weekend, she still wanted to sit on the potty. This morning, when she woke up, I took her into the bathroom first thing and asked, “Do we want to try to go pee in the Dora potty?”

She very happily looked at me and in a sing song voice said, “Nooooooo, Mama!” And that was it. So ends stage one of Georgia’s potty training. Next up – the sticker chart.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Manic Monday - Earth

This week’s Manic Monday word is earth. I have a feeling that as I cruise around the blogosphere today, many others are going to be going green with this one. I am reminded of something that happened on Friday that had me thinking about earth quite literally.

On Friday afternoon, I was attempting to watch Days of Our Lives while the children were in the backyard playing. I was sitting by the window watching them and kept running outside every time there was screaming. Needless to say, I was getting my exercise.

For awhile, the children seemed quite content, as they were working intently on what I call the “mud pit.” There’s a spot in the backyard where they just like to dig. I think they’re trying to dig a tunnel to escape, but I digress.

They were being way too quiet, which causes more concern than the fighting. When they’re being too quiet, that’s when you know they’re up to something. They both had their backs to me so I couldn’t exactly see what they were doing out the window, so I went outside.

When I got closer, I could see that Eli was looking at Georgia and giggling. Georgia was making a loud “YUM YUM YUM” sound. I said, “Georgia, what are you doing?”

She turned around and smiled. Her mouth and her little teeth were covered in mud. Oh yeah! She was shoveling mud pies in her mouth like they were made of chocolate. The front of her clothes, her hands, her face and her mouth were covered with mud. And she was laughing.

Sweet Lord. I am certainly glad my children enjoy playing in the earth, but I wish they would refrain from eating it.

One bath later, Georgia was still very happy. And not hungry for lunch. I suppose a little mud never hurt anyone.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Yeow! Hot Wax!

I was getting my hair done the other night when my stylist and I got on the subject of waxing. I was pleased to say that I have never had anything waxed. My stylist was astonished. “Surely you’ve had your eyebrows waxed!” Nope.

This led to a very intense study of my eyebrows. Okay, my eyebrows are so damn light you can barely see them, so why would I want to wax the damn things. As a solution, she offered to color them at no additional charge. That peaked my interest. Color my eyebrows? I have never heard of such a thing! Plus, I love to color my hair. Eyebrows just opens up a whole new arena!

Of course, my stylist then told me if I color them, I had to wax them. Dude! I don’t want anything waxed! Plus, she charges $15 for that. No way! So, she offered to do that for free, too. Did someone say “free” again? I can never turn that down.

So there I was, leaning back with my eyes closed, getting hot wax smeared on my lids, trying to figure out exactly how that happened. I was also vividly remembering that scene in 40-Year-Old Virgin. You know the scene I’m talking about!

I asked if this was going to hurt. My stylist said, “Oh no, it doesn’t hurt at” Riiiip “all.”

YOW! Mother F*ck!! Um, YES IT DOES!

Okay, that was not a fun experience. Not to mention, I have sensitive skin. You all may have noticed how fair my skin is. It didn’t take well to this newfound trauma. My stylist said there was supposed to be redness. But when I looked in the mirror when she was done, my eyes were puffing up like I was just in a bar fight. I said, “Ummm, are they supposed to swell up like this?”

She said, “There’s usually not any swelling.” Then she looked at me. “Omigod, you’re swelling!”


Well, at least it was free. When I got home, I put frozen peas on my eyes until the swelling went down. I can definitely say that my eyebrows were more noticeable. I’m not quite sure if it’s because they’re darker, because half of them are gone, or because the redness and swelling make them stand out. Either way, I don’t know that I’ll be doing that again.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

13 Things About Our Halloween Experience

1. Why is it that children desperately want to be a certain character and then shed their costume after five minutes, only for mom and dad to carry it? By Halloween night, Eli’s fake hair, earring and eye patch were long gone.

2. Glancing outside Halloween night, I spotted a grown man wearing a pirate’s hat and a grown woman carrying a death sickle. Only at Halloween.

3. What the hell is a Lemonhead, and why do people think I need so many of these in my . . . er . . . I mean in my kids’ trick-or-treat bags.

4. Since Georgia wouldn’t wear the Dora wig (when I tried it on her, she screamed like I had put a dead skunk on her head), and wouldn’t wear her backpack half the time, her costume was basically a girl in a sweatsuit. I kept telling people, “She’s Blonde Dora. Just go with it.”

5. Why is it, I can turn on the TV on Halloween night and find Halloween 6 (which sucks by the way), but not the original Halloween? I have it on DVD, but that’s not really the point, now, is it?

6. I am learning that children who normally love stickers, absolutely hate them when they get them trick-or-treating. Dude! It’s Halloween! Give them candy! For that matter, anyone who hands out raisins or toothbrushes deserves to get their house egged.

7. There really should be an age limit for trick-or-treating. If you are 17 and show up at my house with no costume, holding out a pillowcase, I am NOT giving you candy.

8. Eli’s preschool director continues to dress inappropriately at Halloween. This year, it was slutty ballerina. I wish I could get a picture of this for you guys! I didn’t know you could get a tutu that short.

9. I have seen Hannah Montana on TV, and she is NOT slutty. Why is it that every girl I saw dressed as Hannah Montana had to skank up their costumes. My gawd! Do some parents look at their children before they leave the house?

10. If you want a child to have one piece of candy, give them one piece of candy. Don’t put your huge bowl in front of their face and say, “Now only take ONE piece.” You think a kid has that much self-control? Because I certainly don’t.

11. The candy bowls with the hands in them that grab you may be funny to you, but they scare the hell out of a 2-year-old. Not cool, people. Not cool.

12. Yes, Blonde Dora! She is too dressed up! Don’t make me bitch slap you on Halloween. What is with these people?

13. My children are brutally honest. My neighbor jokingly told Eli to eat all his candy before bedtime. Eli said, “My mommy said I can’t or all my teeth will fall out!”

Wordless Wednesday - Blonde Dora and the Pirate