Friday, October 27, 2006

Weekly trip to the grocery store

I love my children. But I don’t look forward to going to the grocery store with them. We have been running extremely low on food all week. I was planning to go to the grocery store on Tuesday, but luckily, procrastination is one of my amazing talents. By today, I couldn’t wait any longer. Even worse, I had waited so long, we had a huge list of groceries to buy.

I packed up the kids, and took off for the store. The first thing I did was buy them popcorn chicken and a drink, in hopes of keeping them entertained. Then I set off to shop quickly while they were preoccupied with food and beverage. I’m so good at this that I can even ignore the looks that other people give me.

Yes, that is my one-year-old chugging a bottle of strawberry Gatorade. What of it?!

By the time we got to the macaroni and cheese aisle, things were quickly going down hill. Georgia thinks it is fun to start her high-piercing shrill. I believe I’ve mentioned this before – the sound I equate to the emergency broadcast system, remember?

As Georgia is imitating a tornado siren, Eli starts to mimic her. I am now in the middle of Wal-Mart grocery store subtlely trying to cover my children’s mouths as the people around us cover their ears. I plugged Georgia up with another bottle of Gatorade, and threatened Eli with no “extra.” (He always gets an extra at the store if he is good – today it was a plastic green cup with a built-in straw.)

I also need to control the comments I make to the children. I have always had a habit of talking to my children as if they were adults. Eli has a great vocabulary, and a growing knowledge of sarcasm. But again, I get looks from other people. For example, during the alarm noises, I said, “Would you two stop?! You’re going to drive mommy to drink!” Shocked look from the woman passing me in the aisle. Eli just laughed, and said, “Oh mommy! No we’re not.” My sweet boy – he gets me.

This reminds me of a story I have to share. Yesterday on the news, there was a story of a woman here in town who was found slumped over the wheel of her car with her 4-year-old and 1-year-old in the back seat. She was drunk. My mother-in-law called me and said, “I heard this story on the news, and I was just waiting for them to say it was you!”

What?! I realize I get stressed, but I’m not that bad. She was quick to tell me she was kidding. Eric thought that was extremely funny. His comment – “Well, you do enjoy your wine.”

Humph!

Anyway, after we were almost wrapped up at the grocery store, we were in the middle of frozen foods when Eli screamed, “Mommy! I have to GO! NOW!!” I looked at him, and he was dancing around grabbing his crotch. Oh crap.

I said, “Okay, let’s run!” Off we raced to the potty. We made it just in time. I got Eli on the potty right as he let loose. Now, when Eli is with me, I usually sit him on the potty. I know all the men (including my husband) think this is wrong, but I’m sorry, that’s how I know how to do it. The only problem with this is that Eli has a strong talent for peeing right through that little crack between the toilet seat and the toilet and soaking his pants. So, I have a song that I sing when he is going to the potty. I won’t go into the full rendition, but the chorus is “Point that penis doooooown!”

I was singing this as an older woman walked into the restroom. I think it was the same one who heard me tell the children they were driving me to drink. She took one look at me and turned around and walked out. *sigh* It’s hard being a supermom.

14 comments:

ian said...

My youngest had that problem. Now he wants to go standing up like daddy does. He drops trou, hoicks up his shirt to his chin, puts his hands on his hips, and lets fly, little Mr. Firehose.

Ian

Sparky said...

yep, your the crew i walk the other way from in the store :) Kidding, kidding

Justin said...

Alright ... now I HAVE to know the lyrics to the "Point that penis DOWWWWWWWWWWWWWN" song.

Kim said...

I am afraid...very afraid...:)

Matt said...

I'm not surprised about your son's difficulties. Male urination has a slow and painful learning curve that gradually progresses from sitting down, to standing up, to no-hands, to peeing in the dark (very advanced). In fact, most men don't reach the last stage.

Sunrunner said...

I agree, I must hear the lyrics to the penis pointing down song!!! And do you actually say penis or a "nickname"?

For some reason Zachy likes to put his hands on his hips and let fly. He rarely (if ever) misses! Ummm...ok. That REALLY must be a guy thing...

Morgen said...

I second, third, whatever -- we must have the entire lyrics for the Point That Penis Doooooown Song!!!!

Wow. I don't think I learned the word "penis" until I was at least in third or fourth grade. My family's word for it was pee-pee.

To teach me to pee standing up, my grandfather would put a square of toilet paper into the water and have me aim.
My sister tried the same thing with my nephews, except she heard it was supposed to be with a floating cheerio. That worked for Ian, the older one. But Ryan, the little guy wants to scoop the cheerio out of the toilet and eat it!!! I told her -- go to the single TP square, it works.
And yes, sometimes just for fun, I still put in a TP square, just to test my aim. Only now it's an enemy spaceship on the radar screen and I'm blasting it with a laser beam. Okay that was WAY too much information....
Hey, a guy's gotta find the FUN where he can!

Emma said...

Hey. Saw your site around, and I gotta say… I love! I’m so linking it.

dorothy said...

My husband has said EXACTLY the same "you love your wine" thing to me. Ha!

tiggerprr said...

You are hilarious! The sarcasm thing is so cool. I'm extremely sarcastic, and my daughter "got me" at 2 years old. My friends marveled.

The only problem is, someday, they're 17 and giving their own brand of sarcasm back to you and being good at it. ::sigh::

Momish said...

I get those same looks. In the beginning, I wasn't quite sure why, then I started to realize how other people treated their babies like babies and not adults. I have since caught on, but sometimes I still slip.

Mimi Lenox said...

You are soooo supermom. I love your site and need to visit more often. This was hysterical.
I just sent you an email about Dona nobis pacem in the Blogosphere over at Mimi Writes. Hope you can participate. You are such a hoot!

Penny said...

I'm in total agreement! I have to know the words to the Point that penis down song! I already tell Charlie to put that thing down because he has that bad habit of peeing when his diaper is changed. The worst part is that now he thinks its hilarious because he just cackles when he does it. I always tell him he "shot" me! I think people probably look at me funny too because I tend to talk to Charlie (and I talk to him a lot) like an adult and he's just 8 months old. Hooray for all the supermoms, including you, out there!

Michelle said...

Boy we can relate to you,our kids are so excited to be there,its like an adventure to them,so the are loud,and when my 8 year old does something my three year old will copy,When im shopping im in what my husband say is called Tunle zone,im trying to focus on what we need,so we get back home soorer,and when they start in with all the loud,or annoying noises,it gets very anoying hehe.I too let them eat in the store,if we get chips,or something like that,they will be half gone by the time we go to pay for them..hehe..And I too probly get looks,but Iv never noticed,thats because im in that tunnle zone,lolWhat you said about say they where going to drive you to drink,that me laugh,Cause my husband says that,He'll say your going to drive me to drinkin..Of corse he too is just Joking.Man that story about the about the drunk mom,with her kids in the backseat,Thats just affull,any mother that takes her kids life in her hands like that,just me sick.And what your mother law said was affull too,in was mean,she was messing,but it sounds more like she was cutting you down.My mother is affull,and my husband and I share the same opinon on her..which makes it alot easier.As far as you enjoying your wine,its one thing to enjoy a drink,its another to drink and drive,which im sure you do that,because you seem to love your kids very much.LoL I love the story about him needing to go potty,and about the song oh cute!And the heck with what Judgemental people think,People like that must have misserable lives.I really enjoyed reading this part of your blog and as mom I can relate,I got several good laughs reading this :)))