13 Pet Peeves

I’m sure I have many more than 13 pet peeves, but these are the ones that came to me off the top of my head. Happy Thursday Thirteen!!

1. People who hang up the phone without saying good-bye – My brother says, “I have to go.” Click. I was on the phone with my neighbor yesterday (Not Stalker Betty, but Crazy Donna), and she said, “Take care.” Click. Don’t people say good-bye, bye, bye-bye. I’d take any of those!

2. Men who don’t change diapers – I have actually met women who can’t be away from the house that long because their husbands refuse to change diapers. I can’t believe these women don’t leave these self-centered Neanderthals. I truly believe there is a special place in hell for men who don’t change diapers.

3. Mock apple pie – a pie made out of soggy crackers. WTF?

4. Boobahs and Teletubbies – I know I have mentioned in previous blogs how much I despise these evil characters and want them to die a slow, painful death. It’s worth mentioning again.

5. People who forget to eat – Yes. I have come into contact with a person who said, “I was so busy, I just forgot to eat!” I often forget my age, and there have been times I have forgotten my children’s names, but forgetting to eat? Are you freaking kidding me? You have to be a special kind of stupid for that one.

6. Middle of the night cat gack – My cat’s favorite time to have a hairball is around 2:00 – 3:00 a.m. He strategically gacks it up near a doorway, so I can step in it when I get up to check on my daughter or go to the bathroom. Cat gack between your toes is a very unpleasant feeling, especially in the middle of the night.

7. Men who say, “What’s wrong with you? Is it that time of the month?” Or worse – “Are you on the rag?” Any man who says this is taking his life into his own hands because that is grounds for justifiable homicide.

8. Markers that stain – Just spend the extra money and get Crayola markers. The cheap ones stain clothes and faces. Children don’t enjoy getting a rubdown with nail polish remover to get marker off their faces.

9. People who give Eli the eye. Yes, I know my son has quite an imagination, and bops to the beat of his own 4-year-old drummer. Sometimes, this entails him dancing down the hall in full-bodied dance spasms. But I don’t like people giving him the eye that says, “Look at the weird kid.” He’s four! He’s creative! Even if he does often act like Stuart from Mad TV. (If any of you don’t know who that is, please enjoy the video clip below.)

10. Dead people in commercials. I love Audrey Hepburn, but I do not need to see her selling pants for the freaking Gap!!!

11. Children at R-rated movies – I would have enjoyed The Ring much more if the woman in front of me hadn’t decided to bring her 7-year-old and 4-year-old with her. Did she think the fact that there were children in the movie made it a family film?!

12. People who don’t RSVP. If I have any sort of a gathering that requires an RSVP, the people that refuse to do so, owe me the money for their share of the food.

13. A bed made incorrectly. Yes, this is part of my OCD. After 12 ½ years of marriage, my husband finally learned the right way to make a bed. They’re called hospital corners. It’s not that difficult!

The orange marker

Today, I was in my office working and my children were playing semi-friendlyish on the floor near me. Anytime they’re quiet, I should really pay more attention. All of a sudden, Eli yells, “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Look at Georgia! Look! Look at her!”

I looked. Her back was to me, so I said, “What exactly am I supposed to be looking at?” Eli responded, “Her face! Do you see her face?” I told him that I could not see her face because she was looking at him and not at me, although I have to admit I was getting a little worried at this point.

Eli took Georgia by the shoulders and turned her around to face me. *gasp*

There she was grinning widely with her face covered in bright orange marker. I said, “Georgia! Were you playing with a marker?!”

Eli helpfully replied, “No. She wasn’t.”

Oh, really?! I then said, “Eli, were you playing with an orange marker?”

Eli: “Yes, I had it in my hand.”

Me: “Eli, did you draw all over your sister’s face with a marker?”

Eli: “Um . . . well . . . yes.”

Me: “And why exactly did you do that?”

Eli: “Um . . . well . . . because I wanted to.”

Me: “Eli! You do not draw on your sister!”

This is my favorite part. He looked at me and said, “Why?”

Ugh! I stopped myself before I could say “Because I said so!” and just said, “Because that is not a very nice thing to do.” Honestly, what do you really say to that? The other day he asked me why birds have wings. I hadn’t had any coffee yet, and it took me a full minute to come up with “So they can fly.”

Anyway, apparently, he thought that was enough of a conversation to satisfy me, and off he went. I was left with a grinning baby and a very orange face.

*sigh* I guess I should be thankful it wasn’t black marker.

Karma

I should have known after my great day yesterday that karma would kick me in the ass. It was quite an eventful day for someone who didn't even leave the house! I think it was the no sleep. After two nights with no sleep (and I'm really not blaming Georgia because I wouldn't be happy if I were cutting molars either), it finally caught up with me, and I spent today in a zombie-like state.

I knew I was in trouble at 5 a.m. when I was playing with Georgia. If I'm that awake at 5 a.m., especially after being up at 3 a.m. the previous night, things won't end well. When I finally got Eric out of bed - or I should say awake enough to watch Georgia so I could take a shower, I accidentally mistook my conditioner for shampoo. I was so tired that I didn't even bother to lather with shampoo and then go back to conditioner. This was a mistake because I have walked around all day with gummy hair. It has not been pleasant.

After my shower, Georgia proceeded to attach herself to my right calf where she stayed all day, sometimes yelling, sometimes screaming, and sometimes vehemently telling me "Ya de de de ma ja da." My thoughts exactly.

This afternoon excited me because the UPS man showed up with two huge boxes of Discovery Toys - all the new fall stuff. Woo hoo! Eli ran and found scissors that he was apparently hiding somewhere (!!!) and attacked the boxes. I got 17 new toys. 17!!! Eli carefully took all of them out of the big boxes of popcorn peanuts and then jumped in. Yes, he will forego fun toys in favor of big boxes and popcorn peanuts. I could sooooo save money on toys! Anyway, by the end of the afternoon, my floor was covered in popcorn peanuts. What's even worse is that Eli was guarding all entrances to the family room because he didn't want us walking on the foam and squishing it. I was exiled to the living room.

During this time, I called my husband three times asking when he was coming home because mommy desperately needed a nap. I got answers like "I'll be home early," or "Soon" or "I'm leaving in just a few minutes." Uh-huh. He got home at 5:00. Grrrr. . .

I was quickly losing patience. I stopped to check my e-mail and saw one from my friend Heather #1 (you remember Heather, right? If not, see the August archive for some of the wedding blogs). A friend of hers was in labor and she wanted to know what to get for a baby gift. I immediately called and left her a message about my wonderful array of Discovery Toys - perfect for all ages.

Now, here is the bad part. It just occurred to me that Heather's birthday was two days ago. And I forgot. And I just called to hit her up to buy toys and didn't even mention the words "Happy Birthday." And it was her 30th birthday. I am a horrible, horrible friend. I truly suck. I couldn't even bring myself to call back and say, "I forgot to wish you a happy birthday," because I was so utterly and completely ashamed. She is one of my best friends, and I can't even remember her freaking birthday (which I blame on lack of sleep). I now need to take her out and buy her lots and lots of drinks.

As if that weren't bad enough, we sat down to dinner after Eric got home, and Eli picked up a very full glass of ice cold water and spilled it all over me. Christ. I literally had to close my eyes and count to 10. I knew it was an accident, and my poor baby looked like he was about to cry. I asked him to get a towel, and we cleaned up the water. Then I ate my spaghetti, which was drenched in ice cold water. yummy.

After all that, I had to put Georgia down for a nap because she was exhausted. It was 6:45. I knew I was going to be in big trouble. I took this opportunity to lie down, too. Yes, I was fully intending to go to bed at 7:00 tonight. Sue me. Unfortunately, over the next two hours the phone rang eight f*cking times! Someone out there hates me. I got up and gave up all ideas of sleep. It is now 11:00, I am exhausted, blogging, and I hear Georgia on the baby monitor. She is awake. Double crap.

The 13 Most Annoying Toys My Children Have Had

In honor of this week’s anticipated release of Elmo TMX, which I am proud to say I have NOT run out and bought yet, I am dedicating this week’s Thursday 13 to the most annoying toys my children have had. I would like to point out that most of these have been gifts. And for the record, Tickle Me Elmo is not on here because I actually like that one!

Please note: I tried to link to the product when I could, or a similar product, so you can see what I’m talking about.

1. Boobahs – I think I have shared my complete and utter hatred of the Boohbahs in previous blogs. You may remember that a couple of years ago, you could buy stuffed Boobahs in stores – in a variety of colors. They made freaky-ass noises, and spun their heads around as if they were possessed. Thank God that toy died a natural death. (It really did, I promise. I did not take a hammer to it, as I have been accused.)

2. Lion musical rattle – As a rule, I hate any toy that does not have an off switch. This is a simple baby toy that lights up and plays music when you shake it. At least that is the concept. Unfortunately, it plays music when it’s just sitting there. All the time. And you can’t turn it off. You don’t even have to move the damn thing, and it starts going. I finally had to take the batteries out of this one.

3. Fire engine driver – When you turn the key, it makes the sound of an engine. For some unknown reason, both of my children like to torture me by turning it on and walking away. I have to turn the annoying engine sound off approximately 22 times each day. I finally let it run itself down. Unfortunately we don’t have the correct size batteries to replace it. Darn.

4. Furbie – Why don’t they just call it Chuckie? Any toy that can teach itself to talk is evil. The fact that it mimics your voice is just down right creepy. That one went in the trash. I would have set fire to it, but I don’t think it would have burned.

5. Parents’ remote control car – LOUD is all I can say about this one. You have to turn the car on, which makes a loud engine sound (that seems to be a theme) and then turn the remote on. Eli invariably runs the car under the couch and then abandons it. I am left to fish out the car from whatever difficult hiding place it has found to turn it off before it makes my ears bleed.

6. Cheerleader doll – Another one that likes to go off on its own. This doll was a gift from Eric’s aunt because she thinks it’s cute. It’s supposed to go off if you press its tummy. It goes off if you walk across the f***ing floor. It chants, “We’re number one. We can’t be number two. We’re going to beat the woopsies out of you. The woopsies out of you.” Need I say more? Throw this one in the “Possessed by Evil” pile.

7. V-tech “ball” – I don’t know whose idea it was to make a ball that wasn’t supposed to be thrown. This ball-shaped object is very hard and heavy. It has buttons on it that play music, make animal sounds, etc., etc. All Eli saw was a ball. And proceeded to throw it. On hardwood floors. Down the stairs. No matter how many times I asked him not to. This toy didn’t last very long.

8. Teething keys – When you shake this toy (or when it moves the slightest bit), it makes the sound of rattling keys. Normally, I could probably deal with this, except it managed to wedge itself under the back seat of my car. It would go off incessantly while I was driving. It took me a week to find the damn thing, and it is no longer allowed in the car.

9. Love Machine dog – This was a gift from my aunt, who also got Eli the Boohbah. Surprisingly, I am still speaking to her. If you push the paw of this stuffed dog, it sings “Love Machine.” Twice. And you can’t turn it off. The kids love it. I don’t.

10. Monkey flashlight – A flashlight in a monkey’s mouth. When you push the button, it makes a monkey sound “Ooo ooo, aaaa, aaaa.” Again, not bad in itself, but everything is magnified in the car. Eli took this on the 12-hour road trip to Denver. I heard the monkey sound approximately 4,862 times.

11. Aquadoodle – An extra large Doodle-Pro to spread out on the floor, complete with a pen that you fill with water. Eli immediately abandoned the pen when he discovered that anything wet would work on the Aquadoodle. This includes, but is not limited to, water, juice, chocolate milk, jello, liquid soap, and my favorite – spit.

12. Workbench – This children’s workbench came with more than 400 pieces, including tools, plastic screws, nuts, bolts and fake wood pieces. It was obviously designed by someone who hates their parents. It is impossible to keep the pieces picked up. I usually find missing pieces by stepping on them at 5 a.m. Sidenote: Screaming obscenities will wake up the entire family.

13. Piano with microphone – The piano itself is not annoying. But the microphone attached to it is. Small children love to be amplified, which is rarely necessary. Imagine someone constantly screaming into a megaphone. This spurred my purchase of ear plugs.

Now, it's your turn! What toy do you find the most annoying? Please tell me, so I don't buy it for my children for Christmas!

thursday thirteen

Free time

Last night when I took Eli to Gymnastics, I discovered that not only does he have about 100 times more energy than I do, but he also has more energy than most of the other 4-year-olds in the class. This led to a long schpeel from the Little Gym owner about what a great class this is for Eli. I received the full sales pitch before he handed me a brochure and I looked at the price. $300!!!

I think my eyes about bugged out of my head. It was a great class, and Eli loved it, but unfortunately I do not have an extra $300 lying around. When we got home, I told Eric how much Eli loved the class, and faster than I could say “credit card,” he reminded me of the thousand dollars we have spent over the last month in car and home repairs. *sigh*

I told Eric I would only sign Eli up for Gymnastics if I could raise $300 myself. So, here is my shameless attempt. If you would like to make a little boy extremely happy, you can make a donation through PayPal via the link in the right sidebar.

After I got Eli home last night, it was hell getting him to sleep because he was so wound up. That made it equally difficult to rouse him this morning for preschool. In addition to both kids, I had to remember his backpack, his lunch, the “treats” I had signed up to bring (the pumpkin muffins turned out awesome, by the way. See the recipe here.), and Eli’s Scholastic book order form with a check. When I got to preschool, I was carrying all of this in my left hand while carrying Georgia tucked under my right arm. I had forgotten the damn stroller.

When I walked into the school and down the hall in front of about 10 moms waiting with their children for the door to open, one mom said, “I like your hold technique. You’re carrying your baby like a sack of potatoes,” proceeded by laughter from the other moms. Oh, snap! She did NOT just say that to me! That wench is lucky my hands were full. As it was, I had to restrain myself from dropping everything just to smack her.

I mean, come on! It’s not like I don’t feel like an insecure teenage girl 90 percent of the time anyway! Now, I get comments from the Junior Leaguers on how I carry my daughter. Grrrr. It would be wrong to slash her tires. It would be wrong to slash her tires.

After that little episode, I kissed my son bye bye, he immediately wiped my kiss off, and I left with Georgia to buy her some Fall clothes. We woke up this morning to cool weather, and I discovered she had no Fall clothes that fit. Unfortunately, Georgia did not want to go shopping and screamed the entire time we were in the store. Luckily, people at a children’s clothing store are much more understanding of a screaming child than people at Kinko’s . . . or the bank . . . or grocery store for that matter.

Anyway, I got her a winter coat, a jean jacket, and eight outfits – two of which are ugly, but were extremely cheap. So, she’s set for a little while.

I now have 15 minutes (15 whole minutes!!!) of downtime before I have to wake up Georgia and go pick up Eli. I’m going to go sit on the couch and do nothing. Woo hoo!

In threes?

I thought bad things were supposed to happen in threes! Isn’t that the way it goes? Because I am a little annoyed here. I am on #4, and it is pissing me off! You all remember how my computer was completely fried a few weeks ago? That was #1. Then last week, there was the issue with my car - #2. The breaks on Eric’s car went out, and his car was in the shop all day Saturday - #3. And today, I spent the morning watching the plumber unclog our main line - #4. I think we need a break.

Needless to say that I have been called “ma’am” more times than I can freaking count over the last few days. That was one of the few words I could understand from the plumber, whose first language was NOT English. I could make out the words ‘ma’am’, ‘problem’, ‘tree roots’, and ‘we take credit cards.’ *sigh*

I am now resisting the urge to have a fifth cup of coffee, and I am on the computer when I should be making treats for pre-school tomorrow. Only after I signed up to make treats, I got a note from the pre-school encouraging me to make “healthy” snacks. Apparently, they thought the treats I made last year were too heavy on the M&M’s. I just think the phrase “healthy treat” is an oxymoron. They should put up a “healthy snack” sign-up sheet instead of a “treat” sign-up sheet. They can’t wait until you commit and then change the damn rules! That is not fair!

I was planning to put giant marshmallows on skewers and dip them in chocolate. Seriously. Eli had those at a birthday party, and loved them, and this way I don’t have to deal with the sugar high. Apparently, the pre-school teachers aren’t amused.

So, I have had to switch gears. It is difficult for me to make a treat that doesn’t include chocolate. I am making chocolate chip pumpkin muffins. That’s healthy, right? The word muffin strikes me as healthy, then you have pumpkin to celebrate Fall, and the chocolate to celebrate that you are in fact eating a treat. I think all bases are covered on this one.

After I make muffins, I have to take Eli to Gymnastics tonight. This should be interesting. My friend Heather #2 (as opposed to the recently married Heather #1) has her son enrolled in Gymnastics, and tonight is bring a friend night. We’re the friend. When she invited me, she said that Eli gets to run around and wear himself out for an hour while I get to sit on the other side of the partition and talk or read a book. I’m in. That is an AWESOME sales pitch. Especially since I need a break from my screaming monkey lovely daughter.

Did I mention that Georgia cut a freaking molar?! It’s no wonder the girl screams to high heaven. Not only is she cutting teeth, but she’s doing it out of order. I think this is an assault on my freakish organizational control. You are supposed to cut bottom teeth first. She got her top teeth first. The doctor didn’t even believe me on that one. Grrrr. After two top teeth, she got three bottom teeth, and now she’s getting an upper molar. It’s weird, I tell you. Weird!

Anyway, I need to go tear Eli away from the Backyardigans because I am forcing him to help me make muffins for pre-school. If I have to make treats, then we all get to suffer help.

Good old days

I’m sure you have heard me talk about Stacey and Andrea in past blogs. Stacey and I have been friends since Junior High. In college, we hooked up with Andrea and Courtney and became a wild foursome. (Coincidentally, Andrea started her own blog this month called Mommy 911. You should check it out!) Anyway, Stacey and Andrea and I moved to the same area after college, and Courtney headed back east, and now lives in Virginia. She was in town over the weekend, so the four of us got together again, with families.

Oh, how things have changed. Fifteen years ago, we were four girls who would sit around and talk about guys, skip class, fight about who would never wake up to the freaking alarm clock (Andrea) or who had the most annoying boyfriend (Stacey) or who was the most uptight (me – can you imagine?). This was punctuated by going to the same dance club every Thursday night where we actually had our own table, and occasionally engaging in interesting substances with Stacey’s boyfriend at the time.

This weekend, I walked in and looked at the seven (!!!) rambunctious children that the four of us have spawned over the last few years, and it amazed me how quickly things have changed. Somewhere along the way, we became responsible adults!

I was explaining to Eli the importance of not body-slamming two-year-old Kai off of the hot wheel, Stacey was trying to limit her daughter’s potato chip intake, and Courtney was counting to three in a vain attempt to stop her son from jumping off the couch. Courtney looked at me, looked at the kids and said, “It’s weird, isn’t it?”

Yes. Yes it is.

Andrea was in the kitchen making whiskey sours. At least some things never change.

Photo Note: Please enjoy the picture of our most recent family portrait (complete with Eli’s squinty eyes), as well as one of five of the kids – Kennedy, Kai, Jack, Eli and Georgia – yes, that’s my daughter trying desperately to escape her brother’s grip. For an even worse picture of my children, visit Andrea’s blog. On her site, you can also see a photo of the two babies that aren’t pictured here – Layla and Cooper.

13 Photos I Took At The Kansas State Fair

It’s time for the Thursday 13, and my first photo blog, because I’m sure everyone wants to see how adorable my children are, right? I thought so. The first few pictures are from the scarecrow contest. You will find some of the “scarecrows” quite interesting. I did.

1. Dennis the Menace – hmmm, I see a resemblance here, except my son cannot seem to smile without squinting his eyes shut. I’ve tried everything. If you tell him to open his eyes, then you get a picture with bugged out eyes and no smile. Why he feels the need to turn his face skyward is beyond me.

2. The Mummy – When Eli saw the Pillsbury Doughboy at the Fair, he excitedly said, “Mommy, take my picture with the mummy!” Hmmm. . . I can see that.

3. Bert & Ernie – Eli and Georgia with my favorite Sesame Street characters, the gay life partners, Bert and Ernie.

4. Michael Myers – Yes, I crack myself up. But seriously, Michael Myers scares the holy crap out of me. Halloween still gives me nightmares and I’ve probably seen that movie 150 times.

5. Eli in action – This is my son milking a fake cow. . . I really have nothing more to say because that’s amusing enough.

6. Sunflowers – In case this picture makes no sense to you at all, you should know that Kansas is the sunflower state.

7. My sweet baby – This is the one time Georgia wasn’t attempting to escape her stroller, so I had to capture it on film.

8. The ferris wheel – Yes, this is the terrifying ride that made my husband knock over women and small children to escape its wrath and run screaming for his life.

9. Spinning strawberries – Children + cotton candy + rides that spin = very colorful regurgitation.

10. The big slide – Okay, this one is just fun! Unfortunately, it’s not worth the $4 it cost for hubby and son to slide down it.

11. Georgia’s first carousel ride – My little girl on her first carnival ride. Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain.

12. The Scooby Doo bus – Exciting because I think Eric got more enjoyment out of it than Eli.

13. Look what Eli reeled in! The fact that he ate all of this cotton candy could be the reason that he didn’t sleep for the next three days.