The 13 Most Annoying Toys My Children Have Had

In honor of this week’s anticipated release of Elmo TMX, which I am proud to say I have NOT run out and bought yet, I am dedicating this week’s Thursday 13 to the most annoying toys my children have had. I would like to point out that most of these have been gifts. And for the record, Tickle Me Elmo is not on here because I actually like that one!

Please note: I tried to link to the product when I could, or a similar product, so you can see what I’m talking about.

1. Boobahs – I think I have shared my complete and utter hatred of the Boohbahs in previous blogs. You may remember that a couple of years ago, you could buy stuffed Boobahs in stores – in a variety of colors. They made freaky-ass noises, and spun their heads around as if they were possessed. Thank God that toy died a natural death. (It really did, I promise. I did not take a hammer to it, as I have been accused.)

2. Lion musical rattle – As a rule, I hate any toy that does not have an off switch. This is a simple baby toy that lights up and plays music when you shake it. At least that is the concept. Unfortunately, it plays music when it’s just sitting there. All the time. And you can’t turn it off. You don’t even have to move the damn thing, and it starts going. I finally had to take the batteries out of this one.

3. Fire engine driver – When you turn the key, it makes the sound of an engine. For some unknown reason, both of my children like to torture me by turning it on and walking away. I have to turn the annoying engine sound off approximately 22 times each day. I finally let it run itself down. Unfortunately we don’t have the correct size batteries to replace it. Darn.

4. Furbie – Why don’t they just call it Chuckie? Any toy that can teach itself to talk is evil. The fact that it mimics your voice is just down right creepy. That one went in the trash. I would have set fire to it, but I don’t think it would have burned.

5. Parents’ remote control car – LOUD is all I can say about this one. You have to turn the car on, which makes a loud engine sound (that seems to be a theme) and then turn the remote on. Eli invariably runs the car under the couch and then abandons it. I am left to fish out the car from whatever difficult hiding place it has found to turn it off before it makes my ears bleed.

6. Cheerleader doll – Another one that likes to go off on its own. This doll was a gift from Eric’s aunt because she thinks it’s cute. It’s supposed to go off if you press its tummy. It goes off if you walk across the f***ing floor. It chants, “We’re number one. We can’t be number two. We’re going to beat the woopsies out of you. The woopsies out of you.” Need I say more? Throw this one in the “Possessed by Evil” pile.

7. V-tech “ball” – I don’t know whose idea it was to make a ball that wasn’t supposed to be thrown. This ball-shaped object is very hard and heavy. It has buttons on it that play music, make animal sounds, etc., etc. All Eli saw was a ball. And proceeded to throw it. On hardwood floors. Down the stairs. No matter how many times I asked him not to. This toy didn’t last very long.

8. Teething keys – When you shake this toy (or when it moves the slightest bit), it makes the sound of rattling keys. Normally, I could probably deal with this, except it managed to wedge itself under the back seat of my car. It would go off incessantly while I was driving. It took me a week to find the damn thing, and it is no longer allowed in the car.

9. Love Machine dog – This was a gift from my aunt, who also got Eli the Boohbah. Surprisingly, I am still speaking to her. If you push the paw of this stuffed dog, it sings “Love Machine.” Twice. And you can’t turn it off. The kids love it. I don’t.

10. Monkey flashlight – A flashlight in a monkey’s mouth. When you push the button, it makes a monkey sound “Ooo ooo, aaaa, aaaa.” Again, not bad in itself, but everything is magnified in the car. Eli took this on the 12-hour road trip to Denver. I heard the monkey sound approximately 4,862 times.

11. Aquadoodle – An extra large Doodle-Pro to spread out on the floor, complete with a pen that you fill with water. Eli immediately abandoned the pen when he discovered that anything wet would work on the Aquadoodle. This includes, but is not limited to, water, juice, chocolate milk, jello, liquid soap, and my favorite – spit.

12. Workbench – This children’s workbench came with more than 400 pieces, including tools, plastic screws, nuts, bolts and fake wood pieces. It was obviously designed by someone who hates their parents. It is impossible to keep the pieces picked up. I usually find missing pieces by stepping on them at 5 a.m. Sidenote: Screaming obscenities will wake up the entire family.

13. Piano with microphone – The piano itself is not annoying. But the microphone attached to it is. Small children love to be amplified, which is rarely necessary. Imagine someone constantly screaming into a megaphone. This spurred my purchase of ear plugs.

Now, it's your turn! What toy do you find the most annoying? Please tell me, so I don't buy it for my children for Christmas!

thursday thirteen