Saturday, July 22, 2006

Tattoo-covered 4-year-old

First and foremost, I would like everyone to know that my dad is doing well after getting a handy dandy pacemaker installed on Thursday. I was quite surprised to hear they don't even put you under for that surgery!! All they do is drug you up on Valium before they start going. I am a fan of the Valium, but if I had to be awake when you're screwing with my heart, there better be morphine or Demerol involved!

My mom called after the surgery and handed the phone to my dad. The first thing my dad said was, "They didn't tell me how long I would have to wait to have sex." I could hear my mom and my aunt cackling in the background, and I knew all was well. They're now at home relaxing, or more likely my mom is trying to force my dad not to do anything for two weeks as the doctor said. We'll see how that goes.

Yesterday was an entertaining day at Gymboree. First, I should explain that my son is addicted to lunchables. All he ever wants to eat no matter what the meal are lunchables. Lunchables are currently being sponsored by Pirates of the Caribbean and come complete with tattoos. I remember when I was a kid, and I loved wearing fake tattoos. I didn't even care what the picture was. Well, these days I care. These Pirates of the Caribbean tattoos consist of a skull and crossbones wearing a bandana or there was one that was a skull and crossbones with a snake wrapped around it. Apparently someone has a fondness for skulls and crossbones. What crackhead thought those tattoos would be a good idea to put in a children's lunchable?!

Eli was just excited to wear tattoos. He didn't really care what they were, so we went to Gymboree with my 4-year-old covered in skulls and crossbones. It was fabulous!

Afterward, I decided we needed to take a break from the lunchables, so we went to McDonald's. Neither child had eaten very well yesterday, and one of the first things I quickly learned as a mother was that if your kids won't eat, you can easily cure that by going to McDonald's. I don't know if it's some inherent trait, but all kids love McDonald's.

Anyway, I ordered Georgia her chicken mcnuggets and Eli his Happy Meal, and we came home to eat. When I pulled out the Happy Meal, guess who this week's sponsor was? Pirates of the Caribbean! Crap! It's following me! Why can't I get away from the Pirates of the Caribbean? Was it the crush I had on Johnny Depp in high school or my fondness for drag queens dressed as pirates? I'm not sure.

Like all kids, the first thing Eli did was pull out the toy. It was a treasure chest with a key. Whew! Okay, that looked harmless enough, so I breathed a sigh of relief. I always make him eat his lunch before I open the toy, so he quickly downed half his hamburger and his orange juice so I would open it. When I did open it and gave it to him, he immediately took the key and popped open the little treasure chest. I then felt a moment of utter exasperation because guess what was inside? You got it. Tattoos! And not just one tattoo like you get in a lunchable - it was a whole sheet of tattoos, and a sheet of stickers, to boot. Eli exclaimed, "Wow!" as I admired the skull with the snake coming out of its mouth, the skull with the swords behind it, and the all too familiar skull and crossbones with a snake wrapped around it. What the hell? It's a children's Happy Meal, for crissake! I'm pretty damn sure this movie is rated PG-13!

When Eli went to the bathroom, I hid the tattoos, and tried to turn his attention to something a little more age appropriate - Bob the Builder. This was not difficult since he currently likes to be referred to as Bob the Builder, which is what he told all his friends at Gymboree. I suppose it's always good to have an alias. That diverted his attention for awhile until he remembered that we were supposed to make Crunchy Munchy Honeycakes. Double crap!! I forgot.

Since Eli's birthday, we have listened to The Wiggles CD, Yummy Yummy (a gift from Nanny and Papa), so many times that even I have most of it memorized. This is actually one of the CDs I don't mind too much, because as you all know I have the hots for Anthony Field (aka the blue Wiggle). Anyway, there is a song on the CD entitled Crunchy Munchy Honeycakes. I'm assuming it's some sort of Australian treat. Anyway, the song gives vague instructions on how to make them and talks about how yummy they are. I'm guessing that any kid who has listened to that song more than once has started begging their mom to make Crunchy Munchy Honeycakes. At least, that's how it worked in my house. So, I got online to go in search of the recipe, which I found to be quite easy since it is located on the official Wiggles Web site.

I quickly discovered a problem. I hate coconut. I hate it with an ever-growing passion. When Eric got home yesterday, I told him that we need to run to the grocery store this weekend to get ingredients for Crunchy Munchy Honeycakes. However, I have decided to Americanize the recipe and replace the coconut with either miniature chocolate chips, or miniature M&M's, I haven't quite decided. Eric is utterly outraged. He told me I can't change the recipe or they won't be Crunchy Munchy Honeycakes. A minor argument ensued. In fact, he's standing behind me reading, and the argument has now started up again. I can't decide if it's good or bad that this is what we argue about - whether or not to put coconut in Crunchy Munchy Honeycakes. I will let you know how that turns out. But here's a hint, I will win.

Today, I am off to the "details" party at Amy's house where Amy, Heather and I will work on any wedding details that need to be covered, such as getting our shoes ready (We're gluing little purple roses to tennis shoes.), and working on parachute place cards. We will be doing this while drinking wine and watching Four Weddings and a Funeral, followed by Father of the Bride. I am also bringing version two of the wedding mix CD for good measure.

The bachelorette party is next weekend, so I should have bought stuff so I could work on the condom veil today. Hmmm . . . it's still early.

I'm off to buy condoms and tulle.

1 comment:

Justin said...

I don't know where they come up with this stuff!

I got a happy meal for my cousin a few weeks back and it had a troll doll. No, not one of thos ugly-yet-adorable carved plastic dolls with a gem for a belly button and a bit poof of hair. An anorexic skankily-clothed doll, same hair, now with more makeup than a callgirl, and a yellow plastic I-don't-know-what in her hand. I swear to God it looks like a vibrator. Fortunately, McDonald's had the 3-year old toys and that entertained her for the average lifespan of a Happy Meal toy.

Who THINKS up this stuff as good ideas to give to kids?