Monday, July 31, 2006

Condom Veils and Slippery Nipples

What a whirlwind of a weekend! We will just call Saturday the day of all things bridal, since it included the bridal luncheon and the bachelorette party. Both were extremely eventful, so let me see if I can give you a brief recap without offending anyone. Someone once told me they thought bloggers were very narcissistic. I have decided that is only because you have to talk about yourself all the time. If you talk about anyone you know in detail, you will invariably offend someone.

Anyway, the bridal luncheon was scheduled at noon on Saturday at McCormick & Schmick’s on the Plaza. Those in attendance were Heather (the bride), Heather’s mother Sherry, Sherry’s friend Sheila, Heather’s sister-in-law Amy E. (her personal attendant), and Amy and myself (the bridesmaids).

Most of my trouble came beforehand when I was trying to choose what to wear. Being a stay-at-home mom, I don’t have a lot of dresses. When I pulled out the dress I planned to wear, I discovered that apparently I spilled something down the front of it the last time I wore it and didn’t realize the dress needed to be cleaned. Crap!

Then I pulled out dress number two. Well, f*^# me! Apparently, every dress I own has a spot on the front of it. At that moment, I decided to start wearing bibs whenever I go out to eat. Finally on dress number three, I got lucky. The only problem was that dress #3 was a little short. If I bent over, I would moon everyone, but at that point, I didn’t have much choice. Amy was at the door to pick me up, and I had to wear something.

I pulled on the dress, and we started out the door. We had almost made our escape when Eric yelled, “Whoa! Do you really want everyone to know you’re wearing hot pink panties?” Double crap! I had forgotten to change underwear to go with the light blue dress, and you could see my underwear right through it. I ran back to the bedroom and switched underwear, and finally we were off.

We were running a little behind, but I felt better when I received a frantic phone call from Heather who was running later than us because she couldn’t find her strapless bra.

When we got to the restaurant, they sat us in the middle of the restaurant where everyone could hear us (and see my ass in the unlucky event that I bent over to retrieve a napkin. But at least my ass was now covered in light blue panties to match the dress). Anyway, my voice carries, and Sheila has one of the most booming voices I’ve ever heard, so the innocent people eating lunch were in for a treat.

Amy and I immediately made a faux pas when we began discussing the upcoming bachelorette party to which Heather’s mother was not invited. We didn’t realize her mother didn’t know about the party until we received “the look” from Heather followed by several icy stares from her mother. Heather’s sister-in-law just chugged her wine, looking like she was quite used to any situation that may arise.

Then Sheila started in. When I mentioned that my son liked to eat pop tarts with blue frosting, the woman told me how I was going to make my children diabetic since I was already plying them with sugar. I’m sorry, but as any mom knows, you give your kids what they will eat, and most of the time you’re in such a hurry that you don’t have time to make a four-course breakfast. That comment was followed up by Heather’s mom talking about the “bad mothers” who allow their children to watch portable DVD players in the car. Amy and I just looked at each other, since we’re both guilty on that count. I just laughed and told Sherry she had no idea how much easier a DVD player made a six-hour car ride.

Then our food came. Sheila took one look at my Caesar salad and said she would never eat a Caesar salad in a restaurant because they use raw eggs in it and you could die from food poisoning. Apparently, she saw a story about it on Dateline. Honestly, at that point, if someone would have brought me a full bottle of wine, I would have just drank my lunch.

We stumbled through the rest of lunch with a few more icy stares, inappropriate comments and awkward pauses and went home to rest up for the bachelorette party, which was at Tasso’s Greek Restaurant – complete with a belly dancer, and lots of plate shattering.

There was another bachelorette party in attendance. We called that bride “Skanky Ho” in her tight white jeans, black tube top, tiara and feather boa. Heather looked much better. We made her a condom veil and had her wearing a light-up penis necklace. Not nearly as trashy, right?!

We had a great time at the restaurant, but the service was incredibly slow because apparently our server was also the bartender. We did a few rounds of shots, complete with a Greek Bluzo shot (which I think was just blue Nyquil) and a round of Slippery Nipples (or is it Buttery Nipples?). Heather tried to get her pictures taken with many of the men tooling around the restaurant as she could. And honestly, none of us recalled Greek men being so hot! I certainly don’t remember any hot Greek men when I watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but most of these guys were yummy. At one point, one of the guys pulled Heather and Skanky Ho on stage to do a Bluzo shot, and then the belly dancer gave them a lesson. Little did they know that Heather has previously had belly dancing lessons, so she was way ahead of Skanky Ho.

After about three hours at Tasso’s, we headed across the street to The Piano Room. We were the only people in the bar under the age of 60, but at least we could hear each other talk. I felt waaay too old when I complained that the music was too loud in Tasso's. I don’t recall loud music ever being a problem 15 years ago.

Anyway, the piano guy took some requests and played Moon River and a few Beatles songs for Heather. I ordered a Long Island Iced Tea, the two pregnant ladies ordered Shirley Temples, and I think everyone ordered Heather a shot. Heather’s mouth wasn’t quite big enough to go around the glass to do a blow job shot (see above photo), but luckily they’re just as good when you sip them. Amy E., Cassandra and I showed off our bar trick of tying cherry stems in a knot with our tongue. I truly believe everyone has a bar trick. And we all settled in until Heather was sloshed enough for us to cart her drunk ass home to Jim.

In college, I used to stay out until 3:00 or 4:00 and then get up at 8:00 and go to class. I sooo cannot do that anymore. I got home at 1:00, and got up at 8:00 the next morning because I had to get the kids ready for pictures. Yes, I made an appointment at Portrait Innovations for my children to get their pictures taken on the day after a bachelorette party. Not great timing, I will admit. But, that’s tomorrow’s blog!

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