Smurfette is a hussy! (7/13/06)

My son just got out of bed this morning, and by this I mean Eric went in and literally drug him out of bed while he was screaming. It's always fun to get him up on pre-school mornings. I dread the day he starts kindergarten. The good thing is that we can manage to get him completely slathered in sunscreen and fully dressed before we even have to wake him up.

When we got him into the kitchen this morning, he slapped his hands over his eyes and screeched, "It's too bright!!!!!" He refused to eat breakfast until we got his sunglasses. My son is now sitting at the breakfast table in his swim trunks, Wiggles T-shirt, Scooby-Doo sunglasses and wild hair. He looks like a 4-year-old druggie. I really wanted to take his picture but the hand went up when I pulled out the camera, so he wouldn't let me snap one. Apparently, he's playing the role of celebrity druggie. He's the Robert Downey, Jr. of the pre-school set.

So, I set him up with oatmeal and chocolate milk, or as I like to call it, a young man's "hair of the dog," and came into blog.

I really need to start cleaning. The whole family is coming in town for Eli's birthday party this weekend. I thought people weren't showing up until tomorrow, but I found out last night that Eric's parents, sister and niece are coming today. I told his mom that I can't promise the house will be vacuumed by the time they arrive.

Somebody else let me know if your husband does this, too. Eric told me his parents would be here late Friday. Last night, when he was on the phone, I heard his mom say, "I told you we were coming on Thursday." And he said, "Well, I knew you had talked about it. . ." Excuse me, what?! Talked about it when? He never mentioned that to me or I would have been stepping up the housework. I think he avoids telling me when guests are arriving because he enjoys my last-minute panic - the sadist.

Now, on to the topic I was originally going to talk about, which is children's programming. I know, I know, I let my kids watch too much TV. Trust me, Eli is outside plenty building malls, libraries and coffeehouses in his sandbox. (A true testament to my activities!) But when he is inside, I usually turn the TV to PBS, Noggin or Nick Jr. That's about all he's allowed to watch. We don't do action heroes and weapons because, in my opinion, the kid is dangerous enough unarmed.

I think children's programming today seems a lot healthier than the programming we had when we were little. When I was in second grade, I remember watching Bambi at school! At school, for Christ's sake. What twisted adult came up with that movie? Let's kill Bambi's mother and then show it to a bunch of 7-year-old's who don't even completely understand death. It will be great! They'll cry and be really confused! What the fu**?!

Follow that up with pretty much every fairy tale/Disney movie where the damsel in distress has to be "rescued" by a man. It is no wonder women are so screwed up today after watching and reading all of that crap. We have a nation full of Prozac females running around feeling their life is missing something because some stranger hasn't come riding in on a white horse.

Then if you look at the villains in all the Disney movies from when we were younger - Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, 101 Dalmatians, etc., etc. - they're all women! Is this supposed to give men the idea that women are divided up into two groups - those who need rescued and those who are a bunch of evil manipulative bitches? And we wonder why some men have such a warped view of the opposite sex. Thanks, Disney!

But my favorite cartoon to dissect has to be the Smurfs! I mean, come on people! You have one female Smurf living with a bunch of guys?! My view is that Smurfette was a big, giant whore! Now, Eric and I have argued about this. His only argument is that Smurfette was created by Gargamel. Uh -huh. That is no argument. Specifically because Gargamel created Smurfette to cause trouble for the Smurfs - his way of exacting revenge. Now, I'm not sure why Gargamel was out to get the Smurfs so badly, but that's another blog.

Gargamel created Smurfette to be a brunette and ugly. (See Smurf history.) Then Papa Smurf got involved. With "plastic smurfery," he changed Smurfette into the seductive blond bombshell. Gargamel had nothing to do with that! Now doesn't that shed a whole new light on Papa Smurf?! We know what you were after, you dirty old man! Then Smurfette ditched him, always giving her attentions to Handy. Yes, apparently all that physical labor turned her on.

Sadly, I could discuss the Smurfs much more, but I will stop. I have analyzed that show waaaay too much! But you probably guessed that when I mentioned that my husband and I actually had an argument over it.

Some shows do try to keep current with the times. Everyone knows Bert and Ernie have been life partners for years. Now, we have Diego - Dora's cousin. Come on, no straight guy has hair that pretty. He's a flaming homo!

But for the most part, today's shows seem to be trying to capture the lost innocence of our youth. Yet some are simplistic to the point they're almost ridiculous. Eli watched Oobi yesterday on Noggin. Has anyone seen this show? They're hands. Not even hand puppets. Oobi is someone's hand with eyes stuck on the top of it! Check out the photo. That is the entire show! You never see a person - just talking hands!

First of all, I couldn't get over how fascinated Eli was with it, or the fact that I was strangely mesmerized. So, I immediately called Amy. "Have you ever heard of Oobi?" I asked. She responded. "Oh, yeah. Chase (her 2-year-old) loves it!"

"Yeah, but what the hell is it?!" I asked! "It's a hand! All it is is somebody's hand!" I ranted for a few more minutes, and Amy calmly listened and interjected some appropriate "mmm-hmmm's." I think she's getting used to my diatribes.

I think the thing that bothers me most is, why didn't I think of this?!! Why didn't I pull out a camcorder and start videotaping my hand. Do you ever get the feeling that some things are just so simple that they're beyond you? I'm so consumed by this Oobi thing that I'm going to have to investigate it further. I will let you know what I find!

Seacrest out!