Beware of the Corn Nuts!

Most days, I am quite amused by the things my children say, and today was no different. I have Georgia, whose latest thing is to scream “HELP!” no matter what situation she is in. Of course, she makes it a two-syllable word “Hay-elp!” She stands in the living room and screams this, in the grocery store, or in the middle of Gymboree. She never needs any help, but she learned early on that when she screams “help” mommy comes running.

It is better than some of the things she screams, which no doubt, are my fault. I know 2-year-olds repeat everything you say. I just wish I could freaking remember that before I open my mouth. Today, I was reading my blog comments out loud to Eric. Georgia was particularly interested in Morgen’s comment, and went around shouting “Crack is Whack” the rest of the evening. Okay, that is funny. But those are the times my mother-in-law calls, and the kids begin repeating everything I say.

Eli is on a roll with the hilarious things that come out of his mouth. Today, he was listing off all of the bugs/animals he could think of that sting. He looked at me and said, “Bees, beetles, jelly fish, and corn nuts.”

“Corn nuts?” I asked. I told him that corn nuts are something you eat. They’re not a bug. He gave me his loud (just-like-his-father) sigh, and said, “Mama! Corn nuts! You know! We saw a big corn nut the other day at Jonathan’s house, and he almost stung me!”

I thought for a second and then laughed. I asked, “Do you mean hornets?” Eli gave me another sigh and said, “That’s what I said!”

I was not so happy to realize that he does still repeat what I say, too. We went to Gymboree last week, and my least favorite teacher, Mary, was there. She is very uptight, and quite abrasive with the children. I later told Eric, “Someone needs to take the stick out of that woman’s ass!” Eli asked what that meant. Why did she have a stick up her ass. Oh, double crap. I tried to explain that was just an expression that meant she needed to calm down.

He seemed to forget the incident until Saturday when we walked into Gymboree and saw Mary. He proudly exclaimed, “Mama, look! It’s the woman with the stick up her ass!”

Oh, sweet lord in heaven. Luckily, the snickers from the other moms told me that most of them felt the same way I do.

Miss Manic Monday

This week’s Manic Monday word is Miss, and I am going to do my best to work that word into my latest WTF moment.

As you all know, my kids watch the Noggin channel nonstop. Some of the shows I find incredibly annoying (Max & Ruby, anyone?), and some of the shows I absolutely love (Miss Spider). Every few months, they introduce a new show. The last new show was The Upside Down Show. I’m still trying to figure out why Australian guys have the monopoly on children’s entertainment, but I digress. It’s a cute show.

Next month, Nick Jr. (Noggin) is introducing another new show. It is called Yo Gabba Gabba.

Dude! Seriously! I think people must sit around a table and smoke the crackpipe, and then come up with ideas for new kids shows. I found a clip of it on YouTube. So you tell me. This is about the most bizarre frickin thing I have ever seen!





What the F*CK was that?!!!! That green monster-looking thing is downright scary. Here is another clip featuring just him. It doesn't help that I am so morbidly fascinated, it’s not even funny. Like it’s a car accident. Or Lindsay Lohan’s career.




What’s even worse is that every time the commercial comes on, my children are riveted to the television. Not cool, people. Not. Cool! It’s like the f*cking Boobahs all over again. This one may actually push me over the edge.

So, what is my plan? My plan is that I am going to do everything in my power to make sure my children MISS this show every single day!

Saturday Photo Hunt - Creative

My 2-year-old daughter is quite the little artist. So much so, that I have to keep all crayons and markers out of her reach. If she gets a hold of one . . . well, here is an example of her lovely creativity - on my computer screen.

The Evil Pool

Eli is taking his second round of swimming lessons this week, and we are at a different pool because the lessons at our normal pool were full. I don’t like the new pool. The people are evil. Dude! It is not cool when I get a “talking to” by a couple of 16-year-old employees. And sometimes it is really hard to control myself from saying “go f*ck yourself” to evil people while we are in front of the children.

At our normal pool, we always took Georgia, and she played in the baby pool while we waited for Eli to finish his 30-minute lesson (as did the rest of the swimming lesson parents who had younger children). At the new pool, I didn’t dress Georgia in her swimsuit the first night because I didn’t know if they even had a baby pool.

They did. When she saw it, she ran over and jumped in fully clothed. I was immediately approached by a teenage employee who told me that in the future I needed to put her in a swimsuit and a swim diaper. Grrrrr! Like I had planned to come and toss my daughter in the pool fully clothed.

The next night (Wed), I put her in her swimsuit so she could play in the baby pool during Eli’s lesson. When she went over to the baby pool, I was approached by a different teenage employee who told me I needed to pay to use the baby pool. Excuse me?! I don’t f*cking think so. I’m already paying for swimming lessons. I asked why the other city pools didn’t have that rule and why Georgia was able to swim in the baby pool the night before. The girl just repeated that I needed to pay to use the baby pool. I walked away.

So the girl went to get what I assume was a supervisor. The supervisor looked to be about 17. She approached me, and started in on how I needed to pay $3 PER PERSON. I told her that if she thinks I am paying for my daughter to splash in the baby pool for 20 minutes (they close the baby pool early), she was insane. I call that a kind refusal since I didn’t call her a bitch or an overzealous control freak. Eric reminded me that I did go into a tirade to the girl about how they have arbitrary rules that they pull out of their asses, and how they are obviously trying to screw people for money. But I didn't attack her personally, so I think I was being good.

At that point she left me alone, but told me that if I wanted to use the baby pool again, I was going to have to pay. Today, I sent emails to the city, the parks and rec department, and our city councilmen. They all sent me emails back saying they have forwarded my concerns to the aquatic supervisor. So, we’ll see what happens now.

Yes, I will admit that I have a bit of a hot-headed temper. But my war is not over with these Mary-Kate-Jennifer-Love-Felicity-looking things.

13 Things I Love To Get At Starbucks

When my husband heard this week’s topic, his reaction was, “I didn’t even know they had 13 things on the menu,” and then “I don’t even WANT to know how much money you spend at Starbucks.” I didn’t tell him how hard it was to narrow it down to 13.

What? I enjoy my Starbucks. And so do the kids. Sue me!

And just for the record, this isn’t a PPP, but I’m holding out hopes that someone will send me free coffee! Happy Caffeinated TT to all!

1. Triple shot nonfat white chocolate mocha – This is what I get most days. On the hot days, I get it iced.

2. Raspberry Frappucino – New and yummy!

3. Orange Crème Frappucino – Eli loves these! They taste like an orange creamsicle.

4. Madeleine cookies – Georgia’s favorite Starbucks treat – yummy little butter cookies.

5. Blueberry white iced tea – I love ANYTHING blueberry! I only wish they had blueberry syrup to put in their coffee. But this tea is amazing, sweetened or unsweetened.

6. Green tea chai latte – I tend to drink this one when I have a cold. It’s as close as I get to a health drink.

7. Toffee almond bar – Dude! Toffee, chocolate chips. Yum-o!

9. Egg Nog Latte – Nothing says Merry Christmas like an egg nog latte. I just wished they had these all year round.

10. Espresso brownie – When I need that added little jolt.

11. Chocolate milk – Georgia’s favorite, and let me tell you – their chocolate milk kicks ass!

12. Passion fruit tea – This is Eric’s favorite. He tends to go for the teas over the coffees, and he swears by this one!

13. Pumpkin Spice Latte – Oh sweet Lord, this is why I love Fall!

Wordless Wednesday

This sign hangs on the wall at my local Starbucks.

3-Word Meme

Dude! I am so behind on memes that it’s not even funny. I have one from Peanut that I still haven’t done, and I think she’s going to kick my ass if I don’t do it soon.

Since Tuesday night's Mo Show is on Memes: To Meme or Not To Meme, I thought this would be a perfect day for me to do a meme. Plus, I didn’t have time to truly blog blog today because I was stealing every free moment I had to read!!

Not that I had many free moments. I think the children are working against me. Georgia didn’t even nap today, and I only managed to read about 100 pages. Gaaa! With any luck I will finish the book by end of day Tuesday.

Plus, I went to get my hair cut tonight, and while I was processing, I whipped out Harry Potter. There was another woman there who was reading it, and looked like she was almost finished. She said, “Have you gotten to the part where-” and that’s as far as she got before I screamed, “STOP!” I told her where I was in the book and she said, “Oh, so you haven’t gotten to the part where you really cry.” Grrr! I basically told her that she could suck it! Jeez! Can’t I go anywhere without someone trying to give things away?!!

But I digress. Memes! Morgen kindly tagged me with the 3-Word Meme. All your answers have to be three words. So, here we go!

1. Where is your cell phone? In my purse.

2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? My hubby Eric

3. Your hair? Curly blonde highlights

4. Where is your father? South Central Kansas

5. Your favorite thing to do? Cuddle with kids

6. Your dream last night? Something about ‘DOOL’

7. Your dream car? Big and clean

8. The room you're in? messy family room

9. Who did you hang out with last night? Hubby, kids, cats

10. Your fears? Children growing up

11. What aren't you good at? Figuring a tip

12. Muffins? Chocolate chocolate chip

13. One of your wish list items? Calorie free chocolate

14. The last thing you did? Got hair highlighted

15. Your computer? Laptop with Vista

16. Your pet? Coconut and Marcel

17. You are wearing? Shorts, t-shirt, purple undies

18. Your life? Blessed with love

19. Your mood? Happy with anxieties

20. Missing? My car keys

21. Your car? Black Honda CR-V

22. What are you thinking about now? reading Harry Potter

23. Your work? Editor, Passion diva

24. Your summer? Gymboree, swimming, soccer

25. Your relationship status? Married, with children

26. Your favorite color(s)? purple, green, yellow

27. When is the last time you cried? Last night reading

28. When was the last time you laughed? With stylist tonight

29. School? Rock Chalk Jayhawk

30. Favorite 90's group? Goo Goo Dolls

And now I get to tag three people!
Hmmm . . . Travis, Songbird, & Tisha

Manic Monday - Wind

Or as I like to call it, All Wound Up! This week's Manic Monday theme is Wind. I decided to let each of my babies show you a different take on this. Plus, I was too busy reading this weekend to write anything. (And no, I haven't skipped to the end. I'm about 300 pages in right now, and it's killing me not to!)

Anyway, first we have a 1-minute clip of Eli at his swimming lessons last week. He had a great time, but he is going to need a smidge more practice. This clip is of him practicing the back float. The part I love is the way he kicks his little legs in the air. It's like his wind up!



Next, I have Georgia with her version of Wind. In this clip, she was very angry with me because she wanted to carry her yogurt all around the house and eat it. I was making her stay in the kitchen, and this caused her to get extremely wound up. It's only a 43-second clip. I had to stop the camera because she launched herself off the kitchen cabinet at me.

Yippy Skippy!

I didn't think they would come today because I didn't pay the extra shipping, but at 2:45 p.m., the doorbell rang, and there was the delivery man holding two boxes. He said, "It looks like you all couldn't wait to share."

I said, "No, we can't! Gimmegimmegimme!"

As he was handing my packages over, the man said, "I've been meaning to ask you. I see "Passions By Neila" on all of your packages. What exactly is that?"

After I told him, he seemed very embarrassed and backed away quickly. Dude! Don't ask the question if you don't want to know the answer!

After Eric and I unwrapped our books, Eli took this picture. What a great photographer he is!!



I'm going to go read now! Woo hoo!

Taaaaa Daaaaaaa!!!!!

Here it is - my brand spanking new template, fresh from the hands of Lindsay at Splat Designs!!!!

Dude! What do you think?!! I am soooo happy! I think Lindsay did an awesome job!!

I am now going to try desperately not to screw with anything. I may tweak some sidebar things over the next week, and I pity Lindsay because I envision her getting a lot of emails from me with inane questions.

But, I am happy happy happy with my cool new template.

Let's pop open the bottle of champagne and celebrate this blog mommy's brand new look!!!

A Cautionary Tale

I am so careful! Well, let me rephrase that. I try to be so careful. I always make sure that I don’t watch questionable television in front of the kids. And let me tell you, that’s getting more and more difficult these days. Some shows I can get away with because they are over the head of a 5-year-old, but some shows I have had to give up completely. Like Nip/Tuck. I mean come on. There’s really just no way on that one.

I am even careful with music. I’m still hoping most of that will remain over their heads for awhile. I mean I didn’t realize what Cyndi Lauper’s She Bop meant until I was in my 20’s. I certainly didn’t understand anything at age 5 that was a double innuendo.

But now, with all the explicit lyrics, it’s so hard to avoid everything. Hell, the last time I bought a Pink CD, I even bought the version with the bad words bleeped out so I could listen to it in the car.

Today, I was listening to my Lifehouse CD. I love that CD. The only problem is there is one song in the middle of the CD that contains explicit lyrics. (I love that song, too, which is annoying.) Anyway, I always skip over that one song when the kids are in the car (which is 99% of the time).

Today, I forgot. I mean, I completely spaced out. Not only did I leave the CD playing, but I started singing along. Dude! What the hell is wrong with me?

But that is not the worst of it. The worst of it is that Eli started singing along too. Yeah, the song is catchy. Unfortunately, when he started singing, reality hit me, and I just about started hyperventilating. I immediately turned off the music, much to Eli’s chagrin. “Mama!! I liked that song!!”

This weekend, I am going shopping for a bubble to keep him in.

And as for the song? Well, here it is. See if you can understand my distress.

Update to comments: Dude! Seriously? You can't understand that the first lyrics of the song say "When you f*ck me in the morning."?!

13 Funny Things My 5-Year-Old Said

Okay, Eli has been cracking me up lately, and I started writing down some of the things that came out of his mouth this last week.

1. I was on the phone with a friend and she said, “I need to call you back. There’s a problem with the baby.” I said, “Oh crap. Oh yeah, call me back whenever.” After I hung up, Eli informed me, “Mama, I don’t think ‘Oh crap’ and ‘oh yeah’ go together.”

2. Eli informed me the other day when we were making brownies that he wanted to be a chef when he grows up. He said, “I’m going to be so good that I won’t even need a rat on my head.” (We recently saw Ratatouille.)

3. When we walked into Gymboree, there were two little boys there named Jonathan. Eli exclaimed, “Which one is the REAL Jonathan?”

4. Eli and Georgia were jumping on my bed, and I repeatedly told them to stop. Eli turned to me with the sweetest look on his face and said, “But mama! Georgia and I love you so much, and we’ll love you forever and ever.” Oh, he’s good! I just said, “Well honey, I will love you and Georgia forever and ever too. But you’re still not jumping on my bed.”

5. I recently put tanning cream on, and I actually thought I looked pretty good. Until Eli said, “Mommy, why are your legs orange?”

6. I was trying to get him to eat a banana and he informed me, “Mama, I TOLD you! Bananas give me meltdowns!”

7. Eli really wanted to play with Georgia who was napping, and he was getting impatient. So he stood right outside of her room and yelled, “WHEN DO YOU THINK GEORGIA WILL WAKE UP?” Two seconds later, she started crying. Eli happily said, “Oh, I think she’s awake. I’ll go get her!”

8. You may have heard me mention our crazy alcoholic neighbor next door, Jean. Eric and I often joke about that fact, because she’s out on her deck a lot drinking, and sometimes you’ll see her out front with no pants. I should learn to keep my flippant comments to myself because we were in the backyard yesterday, and Jean was outside. Eli said, “There’s Jean having a highball!”

9. The people behind us have a dog who just had puppies last month. We were in the backyard and you could hear all the high-pitched yips of the puppies. Eli asked me, “Do they have monkeys over there?”

10. About the puppies next door – “Those must be the mommy puppy’s cubs.”

11. Eli has a hoodie sweatshirt that he likes to wear a lot when it is chilly. I always tell him he looks like a “hottie in a hoodie.” We were in the grocery store the other day when we saw an Indian woman with a turban. Eli proclaimed, “Look, mama! She’s a hottie in a hoodie!”

12. A Passion Party customer came to my house the other day to pick up her order. She happens to be a woman with a very high-pitched voice. After she left (thank God), Eli asked me, “Mama, why does her voice sound like a baby?”

13. Eli told me today that he could count to banana. He proceeded to count to 10 and then yelled, “BANANA!”

Wordless Wednesday - The Yearly Photo Shoot

God bless Portrait Innovations for getting six good shots . . . out of 55 that were taken.

Quasi Blogoversary

(aka Tuesday hodgepodge) Is hodgepodge one word or two? Hmmm . . . Anyway, a few things to talk about today. First of all, today marks my 400th post!! Woo hoo! It has only been a year, so that's pretty good for me!

I have recently been keeping a close eye on my site meter, and today it finally went over 30,000! That's right! I have had more than 30,000 hits to my site. Is it the brownie recipes or all those cute pictures of my kids? I should keep posting both just for good measure.

I have now officially been blogging for one year! My blogoversary falls somewhere in the June/July arena. I originally started my blog in June of last year on Yahoo 360, but quickly moved it to Blogger in July. I can't believe how many friends I have made while blogging. I originally did this as an online journal for myself and I never thought anyone else would read it. Now, 30,000 hits and many friends later, and I surprised and very pleased with all the rewards I have received from blogging.

My husband just likes the free stuff. He's keeping a list of the free stuff I get from blogging. So far, I have received coffee, shampoo, travel mugs, Germ-X, and Eric's anti-snore shirt is on the way (thanks to this post) - all for free! Woo hoo! Eric says he's holding out for a car. I'm working on it.

To celebrate my blogoversary, I will soon be rolling out a new template. I've been working with Lindsay at Splat Designs, and she is designing something very cool for me. She already has my header done, and I can't wait to roll this out. I am very excited!! I'm taking Blog That Mommy! into the next realm! My blog will look good even though my sanity is going down hill. That reminds me of a quote I heard yesterday, which described perfectly how I feel: "If you're trying to drive me crazy, I can walk from here." HA!

In addition, I finally updated my sidebar today - something I have been meaning to do for months. So, we have a few new additions to the Blog Roll. If you have added me to your Blog Roll and I have been terribly inconsiderate by leaving you off of mine, please let me know!

Today, I added several blogs that I absolutely love!!

And Miles To Go . . .

The Buzz Queen

Comedy Plus

Don't Call Me Mummy

The Goat Rodeo

The Mo Show

My Splatter Painted Life

Peanut, Peanut Butter...Jelly

the108

I hope you will all check back tomorrow for Wordless Wednesday. If you liked the pictures I posted of the kids yesterday, tomorrow I'm going to post the winners - the ones we actually bought!

The Mo Show

It's Tuesday again, and you know what that means! It is time for the weekly Mo Show! The Mo Show is a blog talk radio show hosted by our friend Morgen. Last week was the first week that the Mo Show was extended to one hour. Yippee! That gives us more time to call in and harrass support Mo Mo!

This week, Morgen will be discussing cats. This should be fun! I have a great story about how Coconut once scratched me in a very strategic location. Hmmm . . . but I'll save that for the show.

Manic Monday #1 - Marble

This week’s Manic Monday word is Marble, and guess what. This week, you get two Manic Monday posts from me! That’s right! Aren’t you special?! The word Marble inspired two posts from me this week! Okay, the deal is that I had one idea ready to post (MM #2), and then I had a day that just about made me lose my marbles. So I decided to go with both. First, I will tell you about my weekend, then you can scroll down for a Manic Monday Marble treat!! And don't forget Mr. Linky - he's after MM #2.

It’s no surprise that as a stay-at-home mom I often (almost daily) lose my marbles and just about pull my hair out. It’s because of gems like these. Last night, we went out to dinner for Chinese food (my favorite). At Chinatown Café, they have one of those soft serve ice cream machines. Eli got himself a big bowl of ice cream and topped it with crushed Oreo cookies. He took it back to the table and was inhaling it when all of a sudden he stopped. He spotted the curved edge of a cookie buried in his ice cream. In the middle of a crowded restaurant, he screamed, “THERE’S A ROLY POLY IN MY ICE CREAM!”

You’d be amazed how that can silence a full restaurant and cause people to stop eating with their forks halfway to their mouths. And cause employees to look at us with an expression of complete alarm. I tried to respond just as loudly, “THAT’S NOT A ROLY POLY. IT’S A COOKIE! (insert nervous laugh here).” We left that restaurant very quickly.

Then today I had scheduled pictures for the kids at 9:15 a.m. I must have been smoking the crackpipe. First of all, Georgia has not been sleeping well the last couple of nights, so this morning she was unbelievably tired and cranky. As she was screaming, I noticed a new tooth poking through on the bottom. AHA! That’s the problem. That most definitely wasn’t going to make pictures any easier.

We got to the photo place and had to wait. Georgia started doing her 2-year-old thing and getting into everything. She was desperately trying to go into the photo studios where other families were having their pictures taken, and she screamed to high heaven when we stopped her. Then there was Eli. He was playing at the Lego table in the waiting room when a little girl came up and tried to play with him. God forbid he should share the f*cking Legos. He threw a fit because she messed up his building. He started screaming and crying. It was about then that they called our names. It was our turn. As we drug our screaming children into the photo studio, I was slightly amused at the look on the photographer’s face. Dude! I thought she was going to turn around and leave.

But, she did start snapping pictures. Out of about 55 shots that she took, we managed to get about 6 decent pictures. If you could have seen my children, this was a wild success! Eli was trying to position the back drop and use it as a slide, and Georgia screamed, “NO NO NO NO NO!” any time they tried to sit her down.

Here are a few of the out takes. (I really like the one where Eli has the strangle hold around Georgia's neck.)

Afterward, we went to Starbucks because I needed a jolt. I walked in and asked, “You don’t have any of that Starbucks liquor back there to add to my coffee, do you?” The woman looked at me like I was a nut. Can’t anyone take a joke?

After this morning, I decided I needed some alone time, so I did the grocery shopping. By myself. That may not sound like a big deal, but it is a nice feeling to stroll the grocery store leisurely without screaming children. Things were going very well. I stopped at Starbucks again (because there’s one inside Super Target) and continued my shopping. Eric had written the grocery list, and I was even doing well deciphering his code (i.e., he doesn’t write “deodorant,” he writes “b.o. stopper.”) He’s a comedian.

Then I got to the last item on the list – ice cream. I stopped in front of the ice cream and stood there for 10 minutes. I couldn’t make a decision. Suddenly this seemed like the most important decision in the world, and it was as if I had lost my free will. I had to call Eric to get his opinion on which ice cream to purchase.

After a full weekend, it was official. My brain had shut down. And I had completely lost my marbles.

Manic Monday #2 - The Recipe Edition

Now, enjoy a Manic Monday treat – Peanut Butter Marble Brownies! Or as I like to call it – an orgasm in a 9x13 pan!

INGREDIENTS
2 (3 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/4 cup white sugar
1 egg
2 tablespoons milk

1 cup butter or margarine, melted
2 cups white sugar
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3 eggs
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Grease one 9x13 inch baking pan.

In a medium bowl, beat cream cheese, peanut butter, 1/4 cup white sugar, 1 egg, and milk until smooth. Set aside.

In a large bowl, mix together melted butter, 2 cups white sugar, and vanilla. Mix in the remaining 3 eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition. Combine flour, cocoa, baking powder, and salt; mix into the batter. Stir in chocolate chips.

Remove 1 cup of the chocolate batter. Spread the remaining batter into the prepared pan. Spread the peanut butter filling over the top. Drop the reserved chocolate batter by teaspoonful over the filling. Using a knife, gently swirl through the top layers for a marbled effect.

Bake in preheated oven for 35 to 40 minutes, or until a wooden toothpick inserted near the center comes out almost clean. Cool completely, then cut into bars.

Bad Vibes

I really wish they gave out prizes for putting your foot in your mouth because I would be the f*cking champion!! Okay, I try not to post too much about my Passion Party customers just in case they find my blog, but this time I couldn’t resist.

I got an email from a gal last week who said the vibe she bought from me didn’t work. She had tried the batteries “every which way” and it didn’t work. Well, we have a 90-day guarantee, so I told her to bring it back to me, and I would return it to the company and get her a new one.

Now, I have had some ditzy customers before who have told me their vibes didn’t work. One in particular, I asked if she was sure she was using triple A batteries and not double A, to which she responded, “Oops.” When she put in the correct size batteries, it worked just fine.

The only issue I had with the current gal is that she bought the Perfect Jewel, which is a great quality vibe. I’ve never had anyone who has had a problem with this one. But, the gal is a teacher, so I assumed she was smart enough to put batteries in a vibrator.

She showed up at my house yesterday to return her vibe, but before she left, I made her come in so I could quickly test it and make sure that it did not work. This is when I should learn to keep my flippant comments to myself. I started telling her about my previous customer who used the wrong size batteries and I said, “But I’m sure you’re smarter than that.”

I was just chatting away as I put batteries in her vibrator. Then she said, “Uh oh. I see the problem. It takes three batteries?” I said, “Yes.”

She responded, “Oh, I was only putting in two.”

Yeah, when you put in the correct number of batteries, the vibe works just fine. *sigh* Now, I don’t mean to be bitchy, but what is so difficult about READING THE INSTRUCTIONS?!! It says on the insert that it requires THREE batteries, not two! Pay attention, people!

Anyway, she was very embarrassed, and it probably didn’t help that I had already indirectly called her an idiot, so she took her vibe and left.

Next time, I’ll know to ask on the phone if they are putting in the correct size and the correct number of batteries before they return their vibe. I don’t want to insult anyone’s intelligence, but Dude! I’m beginning to think that won’t be a problem!

My 13 Favorite Thursday Thirteens

Yeah, yeah, I’m a week off. Many bloggers did this last week to celebrate the 100th week of Thursday Thirteen. But I’m different. I’m celebrating the 101st week of Thursday Thirteen. And I forgot last week. So, here we go!

1. 13 Things Overheard at Heather’s Wedding (8/17/06) – This marked the end of the wedding-centric blogs from last summer when I was matron of honor in my friend Heather’s wedding. My favorite from this list: “Are you sure Heather is NOT pregnant?”

2. 13 Things I Have Learned From My Children (9/28/06) – My favorite from the list – “Etiquette: I learned that yogurt is a finger food. Who knew?”

3. 13 Words I Love (10/12/06)– My favorite from the list: Twizat – Twat in Snoop Dog speak. This one is great because you can insult someone and they don’t realize you’re calling them a Twat.

4. 13 Reasons My Daughter Won’t Nap (11/2/06) – My fave from the list: My next door neighbor who likes to mow his f*cking lawn every time I put Georgia down for a nap. I’m so close to killing him, it’s not even funny.

5. 13 Random Things About My Week (11/30/06) – This particular list covered my trip to the mall. My fave from the list: “I was accosted by a short Asian woman at the mall who tried to sell me hair.”

6. 13 Things You Shouldn’t Say To Your Doctor (12/7/06) – My fave: “You look really young. I’ll bet you still get carded for beer.”

7. 13 Things Said By My 4-year-old (2/15/07) – My fave: When I hugged him – “MOMMY! You are popping my personal space bubble!”

8. 13 Reasons I Didn’t Write A Thursday Thirteen (3/29/07) – My fave: “The only topic I could think of was, ’13 People I Want To Beat Senseless With My Coffee Mug.’”

9. 13 Reasons I Love My Children (4/5/07) – The whole list was my favorite, but here’s one quote: “Even though Georgia’s temper tantrums are LEGENDARY, whenever I look at her and see my own eyes staring back at me, I can understand exactly how she feels even if I don’t understand why.”

10. 13 Reasons I Know I’m A Mom (4/26/07) – My fave: “I find myself having to think of answers to questions like, ‘Mommy, why is there a sky?’”

11. 13 Have You Evers (5/17/07) – My fave: “Have you ever had your 2-year-old drop her sippy cup and then look at you and loudly scream, ‘OH SHIT!’?”

12. 13 Bob The Builder Videos That Sound Like Porn Flicks (5/31/07) – This may be my absolute favorite TT that I’ve done! My fave from the list: “Lofty’s Long Load.”

13. 13 Reasons I Can’t Sleep (6/21/07) – My fave: “The lady who lives next door to me leaves at all hours of the night, and she always slams her damn car door. I think she’s a whore. And I really need to quit sleeping with my windows open.”

Wordless Wednesday - Scissors

A kindergartener's artistic rendering of a pair of scissors.

The Stud Farm

Okay, I am really curious to get everyone’s thoughts on this. As some of you may have read, Heidi Fleiss currently has a brothel in the works. It will cater to women. It’s called The Stud Farm, and currently there is no promised date of when it will open, but according to her Web site she is hiring.

That’s right ladies. There have been legal bordellos for men in Nevada for a very long time, but this is the first time one will cater to women. From what I can find on the Internet, some women are outraged, but even more women are ready to wait in line to buy a membership (over 400 women according to Fleiss).

The cost will be $250 an hour to be split between the . . . what the hell do we call them? Gigolo? Man whore? Mimbo? Anyway, they get half, and half goes to the house. And the men keep all their tips. And apparently, several hundred men have already applied. (Gee, there’s a shocker.)

So, what is your take on this? On one hand, I thought “Woo hoo! Empowerment for women!” Then I was thinking how successful this will be realistically. I, like most women I know, am uncomfortable with various aspects of my body. First of all, I’m married, so a road trip to the Stud Farm isn’t in my future no matter what. But if I were single, I can’t imagine that I would be open to stripping down for a complete stranger. I’m just not sure about that.

Maybe I’m just too inside my head. Yeah, these guys have to service you and act like you’re a goddess on earth no matter what you look like, but I would be way too worried about what they were really thinking. Hmmm. . .

Besides, what exactly are these guys going to look like? I mean seriously, what kind of guys are really going to apply to work at a brothel? And what are the chances they would look like this?

Or this?

With my luck, I would get this.

So what do you all think of the up and coming Stud Farm?

Manic Monday - Seven

This week's Manic Monday word is Seven. One of the most important events of my life occurred in July - the seventh month.

July 8, 2002

I shared the story of Eli's birth a couple of months ago when the Manic Monday word was Survive, so you can read that if you want all the details on the drama of the actual day. The little guy arrived six weeks early, and he hasn't been early since. Imagine that!

Today, we celebrated Eli's 5th birthday! He got to choose anything he wanted to do for his birthday, and let me tell you, he jam-packed as much activity as possible into one day!

First, we opened presents! He was overjoyed! The big gift consisted of his first bicycle. I will post pictures soon when we get him out and about with his helmet on!

After gifts, Eli wanted to go to Deanna Rose Farmstead. The kids had a fabulous time, but Jeez was it hot! I'm waiting for the year where he chooses a nice cool movie theater.

At Deanna Rose, he got to feed goats.

And milk a pretend cow.

And go mining for fools gold, and go fishing! I didn't get pictures of those two things because Georgia was trying to make her great escape. But Eli loved it!

After Deanna Rose, we came home for birthday cake. Eli was very specific about what he wanted. A white rectangle cake (with chocolate in it!), topped with marshmallow icing and Bob the Builder on it. So, I pulled out the recipe book and spent Saturday night making a white chocolate cream cake with marshmallow icing. He loved it! Woo hoo for mommy!

After cake, Eli chose to go to dinner at Cinzetti's Italian Buffet. We all ate so much that we're about to puke. It was awesome! Now, the kids are in bed and I am exhausted.

And my little boy is five!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ELI!!!

PhotoHunters - Fake

This is my son Eli's brilliantly fake photo smile! This was taken two years ago when he was three and his sister was one month. Sweet Lord, it took forever to get him to smile normally so you could actually see his eyes.

My Ultimate Fantasy

That's right! It's Wentworth Miller LAYING IN A BED OF COFFEE BEANS!

Dude!

I think I just had an orgasm!

Shot Day

Oh dude! I freaking hate shot day! Almost as much as the kids do. Today, I took both kids in to see our pediatrician Dr. Bush. It was Georgia’s 2-year check-up and Eli’s 5-year check up. I was hopeful that both of them wouldn’t have to have shots. I was soooo wrong.

But let me back up. I made Eric come with me to help since I had both kids. For some reason, whenever I take them to the doctor, they turn into crazy people the second we get there. When we pulled into the parking lot, Eli stated, “Mama, I have a bad feeling about this.” I didn’t tell him he was going to get shots, but the kid is getting way too smart. He knew what was coming.

As soon as Georgia hit the waiting room, she began running from one end to the other. Yelling. They finally called our name, and everything was going pretty well. They weighed the kids, asked us all the questions about how many words Georgia knows, if she does pretend play, yada yada. Then the doctor came in.

We discussed our concerns. For Eli, that was his sleeping. The kid will not go to bed! He is up most nights until 11:00 – midnight. We put him to bed by 9:30, but he keeps getting up. The doctor’s solution? Drug him! That’s right, he sent me to the store to get Eli his melatonin. I just gave him his first dose 30 minutes ago, and he just staggered to bed. I really hope this stuff works! If the kids start going to bed early, I may get to have sex with my husband. Imagine that!

Then I discussed Georgia’s tantrums. I explained how Eli never did that, but I don’t even want to take Georgia out in public. Apparently Eli was laid back. Dr. Bush said that Georgia is just a typical 2-year-old and the tantrums should get better by 3 ½. 3 ½?!!!!! I have another year and a half of this?!! Not cool, people!

Then came shots. As soon as Eli heard this, he crawled under the examination table and refused to come out. When the nurse came in with the shots, I had to get on my knees and drag Eli out from under the table. He had to get three shots. He was not happy about this. I had to hold him down, but he didn’t cry. He just complained. Oh, he is so much like me.

Then it was Georgia’s turn. First they had to prick her finger and squeeze blood out of it. Okay, that would have had me screaming. Georgia and Eli both seemed to think that was the coolest thing ever. My kids are morbid. Then we had to hold her down for her one shot. You would have thought we were trying to kill her. The second that needle hit her leg, she screamed bloody murder. And didn’t stop until I sang three rounds of Edelweiss.

Luckily, that was it for shots for both of them for a long time. Thank God. I then took them to the store and emptied my pockets on suckers, gum and slushies. Because I feel so incredibly guilty for causing my children pain. Dude! I can’t afford shot day!

13 Concerts I've Been To

Since I am still on a high from the Goo Goo Dolls concert, I decided to do a TT on some of the concerts I’ve been to over the years. I’m sure this isn’t all of them, but these are the ones I remember. Click on the artist’s name to see a YouTube video of that artist!

1. Rick Springfield – I think I’ve mentioned this before. I was 12. He was awesome!!

2. Corey Hart – Sue me. It was the 80’s.

3. Harry Connick, Jr. – At some point in the 90’s, Eric bought me tickets for my birthday. This man is amazing. Amazing singer. Amazing piano player. Amazing!

4. Sarah McLachlan (twice) – I think I have mentioned before how much I LOVE Sarah. She is my absolute favorite singer. The last time I saw her was when I was 8 months pregnant with Georgia. I will see Sarah every time I have the chance!

5. Dixie Chicks (twice) – I didn’t know who they were until I saw them at Lillithfair in the late 90’s. After seeing them live, I was a fan for life!

6. Sheryl Crow – If you get a chance to see her, you should. She is one person that sounds sooooo much better live than she does on a CD. Incredible voice!

7. Mandy Patinkin – You probably know him from Chicago Hope, Criminal Minds or The Princess Bride, but this guy has an incredible voice and can really belt out a showtune. Plus he went to KU! Plus, at his concert, he did the LINE from The Princess Bride – “Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

8. Clay Aiken (three times) – Yes, three times. The first two times, he was awesome. The third time was a holiday show, and it was waaaay too bizarre. It was like gay Jesus singing. Still, he has an amazing voice.

9. Kelly Clarkson – She is so sweet, and she has such a big voice. I had a very good time at her concert!

10. Bette Midler – I drug Eric to this concert shortly after we were married. She was great, but it is seriously one of the raunchiest concerts I have ever been to. Dude! She did burlesque!

11. Ricky Martin – This one was not my choice. My friend Amy was in love with Ricky Martin, so I went with her to his concert. I was wowed! This guy can dance. I have never seen a man move his ass like that.

12. Ray Charles – Eric and I saw Ray Charles in Chicago at The House of Blues in 2001. I am so glad we got to see him in person. What an incredible man!

13. Goo Goo Dolls – I have been a fan of theirs since A Boy Named Goo came out in 95. Plus I love Johnny. Eric thinks he is way too pretty, but dude! Have you seen his arms? *drool* I am counting the moments until they come to town again.






Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Wordless Wednesday - Evil Chipmunk

Best 5-second video ever!

Guess where I was tonight?

I'm posting this at 12:30 a.m. We just got home from the Goo Goo Dolls concert. Oh, sweet holy Jesus - they were AWESOME!!!

Lifehouse opened for them, and I love them too. I have two of their CDs, and after tonight, I am going out to buy their latest one. It was like two shows for the price of one. Eric is now a big Lifehouse fan.

Then, out came Johnny! Ohhhhhhh . . . . Johnny!

I screamed. I sang. I jumped up and down. And then I screamed some more along with some "WOO WOO's." I now have no voice. And I was one of the calmer women in the audience.

Eric claims he had a good time. But, I wonder. As I was belting out Let Love In, he leaned over and said, "Hey, look at that guy in that row. He looks pretty weird, huh?" or "See that crazy lady dancing down front?" or "Did you see the dress that girl had on?"

No! No, I didn't. BECAUSE JOHN RZEZNIK IS ON STAGE AND I'M WATCHING HIM!

After the concert, I was quite bubbly with excitement, so I turned to Eric and said, "What did you think?! Weren't they awesome?!"

His response? "Yeah, I guess. I liked Lifehouse better." Gaaaa!

I had better go to bed now and try to get some sleep. My ear drums are still ringing and probably will be for the next three days. But I leave you with a couple of clips.

First, here is the Let Love In video. Great song! Great video!

Second, here are the Goo Goo Dolls singing American Girl, which is what they ended the concert with tonight. Enjoy! And the next time the Goo Goo Dolls come to your city, GO! Run like the wind to go see them!!!

Manic Monday - Independence

This week's Manic Monday word is Independence. I could have gone patriotic, but I was reminded this weekend of how strong-willed my children are. When Eli was about two, he needed to do everything himself. If I tried to do anything for him, he would scream, "ELI DO IT!"

His sister is no different. Their double birthday party was this weekend (that's a blog in itself) at Wonderscope. Georgia was not content to stay with the group of children, and was fully prepared to go off and do her own thing. When we tried to help her with anything, she would let out a very shrill scream and then yell, "DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!" God forbid mommy should try to do anything for her. Sweet Lord!

Normally, this post would be longer, but I am typing this Sunday night and I am completely exhausted from the weekend. Instead, enjoy this video, a song that perfectly describes the personality of my independent little girl.