13 Things About My Week

Okay, I started Christmas shopping this week. I am in the minority of women because I hate to shop. You will find that many of this week's 13 deal with how much I despise the freakishly large commercialized hellhole where most people do their shopping The Mall.

1. I hate the Mall with an ever-growing passion. There is a wig kiosk in the mall, which in and of itself is strange. What is even weirder is that the small Asian woman who works at the wig kiosk runs out into the mall to try to get you to buy “hair.” My husband thought I was insane when he asked how my trip to the mall was and I responded, “I was accosted by a short Asian woman who tried to sell me hair.” Seriously!

2. My son Eli has decided he wants a juicer for Christmas. I don’t even know how he knows what a juicer is. I think he learned it from LazyTown. When we asked if we wanted us to add “juicer” to his Christmas list, he said, “Well, I don’t want to ask for too much.” Sometimes my son is so sweet that it makes my heart hurt.

3. I love pie. I made three pies for Thanksgiving. There was about half of each pie leftover. It took my husband, myself and my son two days flat to finish off all three pies. Apparently, they also love pie.

4. I hate the Mall. Wait. Did I say that already? It makes me claustrophobic. It takes up an exorbitantly large number of city blocks, yet I feel claustrophobic when I’m inside. Maybe it’s all the people, or the fact that I’m not near an exit in case of a fire. Whatever it is makes me break out into a cold sweat if I’m in the damn place for more than 20 minutes.

5. My daughter was an 80’s groupie in a past life. That is the only excuse I can think of. You all know her love of Asia. This week, she demonstrated her headbanging (I’m not kidding – genuine headbanging while in her carseat) to “Pour Some Sugar On Me” by Def Leppard. I have never seen anything like it.

6. The great escape. When I had my daughter in the mall, I discovered she can escape her stroller in 4 seconds flat. I was paying for underwear coffee while pushing the stroller back and forth to keep her entertained. All of a sudden, the stroller was lighter. I looked down, and she was across the store! Apparently, she wiggles her legs out of the restraint and slides out the bottom of the stroller. My kids are too damn smart.

7. I don’t like Winter. I always think I can deal with it as long as there is not ice and snow. Well, yesterday was the first day it got cold. The weather forecast said “maybe” some sleet. At 2:00, I looked out my window. There was sleet. And snow. And about an hour later, freezing rain. I hate Winter.

8. McDreamy. Okay, first of all, the mall near my house is not stroller friendly. There are stairs (2-3 steps going up or down) every few feet in the mall). If you have a stroller or wheelchair, you have to zigzag up and down ramps. It’s very annoying. Yesterday, I was strolling along, and all of a sudden came upon a store that had a larger than life poster of McDreamy in their window. I couldn’t help but stare. Unfortunately, I kept moving. I almost strolled my daughter down a flight of stairs! Are these people trying to kill me?!

9. Eli has a girlfriend. After shopping, I went to pick my son up from preschool. Eli has apparently developed a relationship with a 3-year-old named Savannah. She’s a thumb-sucker. He actually kissed her on the shoulder when we left!!! I am totally not ready for this yet.

10. Sonic cheesecake bites – This was my reward for surviving the mall. These are the best damn things I have ever tasted in my life. They come complete with a strawberry dipping sauce. I know I use the word orgasmic a lot, but there’s really no other way to describe these!

11. I discovered a new show. It was on the other night after Charlie Brown Christmas. It’s called Big Day. The entire season is the couple’s wedding day. It was freaking hysterical. Anyone who has ever planned a wedding will truly appreciate this show!

12. Silky Sheets – This is my favorite Passion product. Besides getting rid of that pesky wet spot, it absorbs odors. I sprayed it in the cat box area yesterday before the furnace guy came. It completely took away the cat odor! No litter box smell after I sprayed it. I am ordering a case of this stuff!!

13. Mysterious stains– Whenever my husband does laundry, at least one item of my clothing comes back to me with a mysterious stain on it. I've lost four damn shirts this way. Yesterday's sweater had a bright orange stain, and today, my shirt had a big hot pink splotch on the back. What the hell?!

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