When Babies Attack

(See next post for Prison Break discussion.)

Today, I felt like I should have my own reality show. Seriously, a camera crew should be following me around capturing the comedy of errors that ensues when I attempt to run errands with my children.

We just needed to make a simple trip to Aldi. That’s it. I should have known I was in trouble when I went to get a cart and saw that none of them had straps to hold Georgia in place. I complain about this every time I go, yet I always forget to bring my rope to tie her down.

I was trying to grocery shop one-handed while holding her down with the other hand. She was screaming (and I mean SCREAMING) because she wanted to stand up. I was getting comments from older women like, “Oh. Isn’t she feisty?” I just gave them a death stare. I wanted to say, “How long has it been since you went shopping with children, grandma?”

Anyway, I did everything I could think of to get her to sit down and stay quiet. I gave her a Dora flashlight. That worked for about a minute. The only thing she really seemed to want was a four-pack of lemons that she unwrapped and began to eat.

More stares. Yes, that is my one-year-old eating lemons. Back off! At least she’s not screaming.

When we got up to the checkout counter, I forgot that you’re supposed to bring your own sacks at Aldi. They will sell you sacks, but I refuse to buy grocery sacks. That’s just wrong. So, I found a box to put all my groceries in. The problem is that I had $80 worth of groceries and one big box. It all fit, but I could barely lift it.

I managed to get it perched on top of the cart and wheeled everyone out to the car. I put Georgia in the car first, and then attempted to anchor the cart with my foot while awkwardly trying to lift my heavy box of groceries. I then discovered my foot was not anchored properly, and off went the cart. Down the hill. With my eggs in it. Crap.

I yelled to Eli. “Get it!! Get the cart!” Yes, without thinking, I just shouted for my son to run haphazardly into the parking lot to save a container of 75-cent eggs. Luckily, he didn’t listen to me (shocker), but a nice woman appeared out of nowhere, and chased my cart down, returning it and my eggs to me.

Then we got home. I hope none of the neighbors were watching me attempt to get everything in the house. When I finally did, I started putting groceries away. As I started to cross the kitchen with an armload of groceries, Georgia forcefully launched herself at my left leg. Since I wasn’t expecting this, she threw me off balance. I fell into the cabinet and knocked a huge glass of water off the counter sending it shattering into a million pieces. At that point, I actually started cursing in front of the children.

I sat Eli on the counter and locked Georgia in her room so they wouldn’t cut themselves and tried to clean up the glass only to discover that the children had stolen my dustpan. I had no way to pick up the freaking glass off the floor. I just picked up the big chunks and then got out towels and Pine-sol and tried to wipe up all the little chunks. I now have a glass shard stuck in the palm of my hand.

I’m going to make Eric look for the dustpan when he gets home, but I guarantee you there will be a small shard of glass left on that damn floor and that I will find it with bare feet. *sigh* What a Monday.