1. Do you skydive, too? (Surprisingly asked to me by no less than three people)
Hell no! was my answer to that question. Do I look like someone who skydives? Just because the bride and groom met skydiving - and they are also into base jumping, mountain climbing, and wrestling alligators for all I know - I find enough adventure raising two children. Just this morning, I risked life and limb walking across a Lego-strewn floor in the dark! After that, I contorted my body into amazing positions to avoid being thrown up on by my daughter. All before I had coffee. Now, that’s daring!
2. Don’t you think the best man is hot? (Uttered by a girl sitting at my table)
My response – “Yes he is. And I’m sure his 8-month pregnant wife thinks so, too.” That’s code for, “Back off, sister!”
3. Are they really swingers? (uttered by my husband Eric and Amy’s husband Steve about a couple at the wedding)
Unfortunately Amy and I have big mouths. When we found out that there was a couple of swingers at the wedding (and I won’t say how we found out), word spread like wildfire. The men were especially entertained. I think Steve and Eric blushed and giggled every time they walked by our table.
4. Are you sure Heather is not pregnant? (uttered by several wedding guests, including Heather’s mother)
Heather dubbed her wedding, “No Shotgun Wedding” – also the moniker for her Website, www.noshotgunwedding.com – to dispel any pregnancy rumors. That did little to hinder people from asking the question. Honestly, that was my first question, too. I have attended two weddings in the past that were planned within two months, and both of those brides were with child.
At one of those weddings, my husband (thinking he was being complimentary) approached the bride and loudly said, “You don’t look pregnant!” Holy mother of God! Just when I think I’m the one that sticks my foot in my mouth. I think I taped his mouth shut at the next few weddings we went to.
But, I digress. Heather vehemently maintains that she is NOT pregnant. If she pops out a baby in seven months, everyone can wink and smile.
5. Doesn’t Heather like cake? (uttered by Cassandra, a guest who didn’t seem to appreciate wedding pie)
Heather did her best to make this wedding non-traditional. Instead of cake, she had wedding pie. Heather loves dessert. She loves cake almost as much as she loves pie. Almost! Hell, if it were up to me, I would have scrapped that whole idea and had wedding Big Macs and Twinkies.
6. You made me tear up, and I never cry! (uttered by several wedding guests)
This was the comment made in response to my toast that was supposed to be funny! I can’t really blame them since I burst into tears halfway through my speech, but dammit, it was supposed to be funny!
7. What’s a doobie? (uttered by an older wedding guest)
In the first part of my speech, I discussed Heather’s ex-boyfriends – one of whom she broke up with for rolling doobies on her fiesta ware. Unfortunately, some people don’t know what a doobie is, which could be why my jokes fell flat. The true reason I cried in the second half of the speech is because no one laughed at the first half.
8. That woman’s wearing white. Is Heather going to kick her ass now or later? (uttered by Amy in the limo)
When we drove up to the church, guests were still milling around outside. I think Amy and I spotted the guest in white about a split second before Heather did. I said “Uh-oh” right before Heather screamed, “Who the f*ck had the nerve to wear white to my wedding?!” For a moment, I thought Heather was going to jump out in her white dress and pummel the woman with a high-heeled shoe. If she could have done it without messing up her hair, I’ll bet she would have.
9. Isn’t that Jim’s ex-girlfriend sitting in the second row? (uttered by me)
I noticed this as soon as I got to the altar. I know Heather did NOT want this chick up front, so it was hard not to spot the fact that Boom! There she was. It probably wasn’t a good idea for me to announce this observation during the ceremony, but I covered my face with the bouquet, so I don’t think anyone heard me except for Amy, who nodded and gave the woman a death stare.
10. How long do you think it will be before they have a baby? (uttered by several wedding guests, including Heather’s mother)
Heather maintains that she and Jim are not having a baby. Considering they’re climbing Mt. Rainier on their honeymoon with Jim’s brother, they probably won’t have a lot of time for consummation of the marriage. I still give it less than five years before she’s popping out a baby. She tells me I’m crazy, and that she and Jim know nothing about children. Well, neither did I, and now I have two. If they want adventure, climbing a mountain is nothing compared with raising two kids!
11. Is everyone sure the groom’s not gay? (uttered by a few wedding guests)
Apparently, Jim’s best friend even thought he was gay until Jim announced he was getting married. I think it’s the hair. Heather has told me enough details of their sex life that I’m damn sure he’s not gay. I think she is, too. But other people still seem to have doubts.
12. She listens to you guys waaay to much! (uttered by Jim)
This was Jim’s response when Heather informed him that this whole mountain climbing thing didn’t count as a honeymoon. Did I mention they’re going with his brother?! No, no, no. A honeymoon includes a beach, room service and lots of sex, not necessarily in that order. Any huffing and puffing done on a honeymoon should not be done while climbing a mountain.
13. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve said c*cksucker. (uttered by Heather)
I think everyone from the DJ to the preacher to Heather’s mother was called a c*cksucker by the lovely bride in the week leading up to the wedding. At the reception, her stress finally started to diminish. At least about wedding issues. Today, I called her and got to hear her trials and tribulations of moving to “the Dot” (Wyandotte County), and being attacked by wild dogs while training for the honeymoon climb. She is quickly discovering that marriage never holds a dull moment.
2 comments:
I think it's interesting (and not surprising, really) that the women took it more in stride that there was a swinging couple at the wedding. So much for men being the more adventuresome gender. And you're right about marriage being an adventure. I guess that's what keeps my site in business :o)
To Love, Honor and Dismay
Thanks for sending me to this entry. It gave me my morning laugh.
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