Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Part 2 – Get me to the church on time!

Originally uploaded by neila222.
Thank God, we didn’t have the same limo as the guys. We later found out from the guys that their limo broke down on the way to the chapel. Luckily, the best man’s wife was following the limo, so they were able to jump in her car so she could take them to the chapel. It sucks that a limo broke down at all, but if it had to happen, at least it didn’t happen to the bride. I truly think Heather’s sanity may have completely snapped!

Things were going fairly well in our limo, except for the fact that it was extremely hot and humid. Heather was holding her arms up and had her armpits next to the air conditioning vents, while her father was busy snapping photos. She just kept screaming, “Quit taking pictures of this!” My only error was that I forgot to remove the tag from my bolero jacket. Luckily Heather’s mom noticed that in the limo, and Heather’s dad got a picture of that, too, before I removed it.

Then, we arrived at the church.

Heather’s parents got out, and went into the church, and it was just Amy, Heather and I left in the limo. Amy started saying something sweet, and tears started welling up everywhere, so I screamed, “Vagina!” It worked. Everyone stopped crying before they ruined their make-up.


We waited for Heather’s sister-in-law to wave us inside. When we stepped inside the vestibule, Steve (Amy’s husband – see photo of Steve, Amy and me) and Eric (see photo) were waiting to open the doors. They said, “You’re not going to believe this.” Apparently, everyone had been coming and going through the side doors in the chapel and no one had tested the front doors they were opening. When they went to open the doors for the parents, they were locked! Again, if something had to go wrong (and we knew it would), at least it didn’t involve Heather. Score!

The guys immediately opened the doors for us, and Amy started off down the aisle. The one thing I did remember from rehearsal is that we were supposed to wait for the groomsmen to be at the altar before we walked down. When I looked up, they weren’t there! I grabbed Amy, and to the amusement of everyone in the church, said, “No! Not yet! Close the doors! Close them! Close them now!” Then Steve and Eric were trying to convince us to go ahead and walk down since the song was almost over. They obviously don’t understand the importance of order. I stayed put.

Since Heather had non-traditional music, I really thought I was safe from crying. I had convinced myself it was the music that made me cry, and I would be okay with Trumpet Voluntary. I was wrong. Luckily, I had a bouquet to hold over my face so no one would see the ugly crying face. The bouquet also came in handy to hold in front of my face when I wanted to whisper something to Amy like, “Did you notice Jim’s ex-girlfriend is sitting in the second row?”

The wedding was beautiful, and Heather didn’t cry! Jim cried, but Heather wasn’t about to ruin her make-up. After the ceremony, we took pictures before heading off to the reception. Heather had us on a strict timeline, and we were running behind!

At the reception, I learned a few important things. First of all, I can’t do the electric slide. I seem to remember doing it fairly easily in high school, so I’m not quite sure what happened. I also remember just following the person in front of me and doing just fine. When I’m on a dance floor with several other people who all seemed to have learned the electric slide someplace different, I was in big trouble. The lady next to me was facing one way, the guy on the other side of me was spinning around, people were laughing. It was not pretty. I finally just sat down. In my seat, not on the dance floor. Luckily, I can dance to Dancing Queen, and I think they got a great video of all the girls dancing to that!

Tony, best man had made a video to show at the wedding. I may have told you how he interviewed everyone at the engagement party a couple of months ago. The one where everyone was drunk? He asked a story about Heather, and Amy and I related how we took her to Priscilla’s to buy her first vibrator. At the reception when they started that video, we both slid down in our seats. Surely, he won’t show that part will he?

The video was outstanding, and when it came to the party where Tony said, “Tell us a story about Heather.” Amy and I said, “Well, there was the time we went to . . .” and then there was a very loud “bleeeeeeeeeeep” and you just saw our lips moving. Thank God! Apparently, there is an R-rated version floating around somewhere. I can’t wait to see that!

After Tony’s video, he gave a wonderful speech, and then it was my turn. You all know from past blogs how nervous I was about this whole toast thing! I didn’t have a place to clip on a mic, so Tony clipped it to my boobs and followed me around with the battery pack. I wish I had gotten a picture of that!

My whole goal was for the toast to be funny. I started out talking about how Heather taught us to break kneecaps, and how we threatened all of her boyfriends that we would break his knees if he ever hurt her. I then launched into some silly stories about her past boyfriends. Everything was going great so far. Then I came to the middle of my speech where it turns sweets. As soon as I said, “Heather has been like a sister to me,” I burst into tears. Crap! I looked around, and everyone was crying. I did manage to get through the rest of my speech, although it turned much more warbly than I intended. Afterward, no less than 10 people came up to me and told me that I made them cry. I said, “That was not my intention! It was supposed to be funny! Really!” Oh well! I only had to look at my note cards once, and everyone enjoyed it. I’ll do funny next time.

To top off my perfect timing, remember how I mentioned I was supposed to start my period over the weekend? It started at the reception! That could have something to do with the fact that I was not able to control myself from sobbing through my toast, but I digress.


After the toasts, came the non-traditional cutting of the pies. Remember, I told you she wasn’t having wedding cake. She was having wedding pie. It was damn good, too!! There was apple and wildberry. The only problem was that the pie was located across the dance floor. As soon as they cut the pie, they started the special dances because we were running so far behind schedule. You can’t really interrupt the bride and groom’s dance to traipse your ass across the floor to get pie. Luckily, the bridal party was one of the special dances. Toward the end of the song, Eric and I and Amy and Steve danced over to the pie table, so when the song ended, Boom! We were right there by the pie! How smart are we!

After pie and only three drinks (yay me), there was a little more dancing before people started filtering out. Everyone requested the chicken dance, but apparently Heather threatened to stop payment on the DJ’s check if he played it, so we made due without the chicken dance.

Overall, the wedding was perfect. We got Heather married off, and I got to stand up there with two of my best friends and be part of something magnificent. What an awesome day!

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