The girdle panty

The other day I went shopping for a girdle panty. They actually call it a "shapewear" panty, but I call it a girdle panty because, trust me, that's what it feels like you're wearing.

My dramatic weight loss plan for the summer never really got going, so now I'm left with a form fitting dress that I have to fit into in a week. I've got the midsection covered with the boustiere, but now I needed something for my hips and tummy. And since that dress is so long, there is no way I'm wearing pantyhose in 100 degree heat.

So, I packed up the kids and off we went to the mall. I found the girdle panty on Lane Bryant's Web site and went to look at it in person. As luck would have it, everything in the store was 25 % off, so at least I wouldn't have to pay the full price of $24 for one pair of underwear. I'm nothing if not economical. You're talking to someone who buys a 3-pack of Fruit in the Loom panties at Wal-Mart.

Anyway, when I got to Lane Bryant, the children were fascinated. Georgia was trying desperately to get out of the stroller to get to the jewelry display. That does not bode well for the teenage years. And whenever we go in any women's store, Eli heads straight for the bra section. That is an area that I don't think I'm quite ready to explore.

Then, I discovered this new item that I have not seen before - Spanx! Have you all heard of Spanx? Apparently, they are the new big thing. They look like the top of a pair of pantyhose only with thicker material and they cover you from waist to knee. I thought, well if anything can suck me in, that should do it. I had just picked up the package of Spanx when the saleswoman entered the scene. And I would just like to ask why a skinny woman is working at a Lane Bryant in the first place. That is just wrong. I'm thinking she must have some insecurity issues and she feels better about herself working around large women all day. But, I digress.

I explained the upcoming wedding and that I needed something that was going to suck me in. She kind of bit her lip and said, "Let me show you something." She opened the Spanx and took them out and held them up. I started laughing - knee-slapping laughter. Remember, I had picked up my size, and they were about as wide as the palm of my hand. I said, "Those won't even fit over my calf!" The woman told me to remember that they do stretch, but they are a "workout" to get on. She said that once you get them on, they're great, but getting them on is the hard part.

I suddenly had images of myself trying to get the things down and up to go to the bathroom. The Spanx looked like they had the potential to become a slingshot and I was afraid that I could possibly snap it wrong and propel myself against the bathroom mirror. I smiled and said they were probably not a good idea, and asked for the girdle panty. She handed it to me and asked if I wanted to try it on. This woman obviously did not have children.

I hate to try on clothes in the first place, much less underwear, much less something I refer to as the "girdle" panty, and much less when I am with two children, one of whom is admiring the bras a little too fondly. I just said, "No, I'll just try them on at home."

I went to retrieve Eli who was standing in front of a padded bra just rubbing and feeling up the cups. I said, "Honey, what are you doing?" He just looked at me and said, "It's so soft!" Yes, it is. I asked if he was ready to leave and get a gumball. He jumped and yelled, "Gumball!" It's a great world when your son is still at the age where he's more interested in gum than a woman's breasts.

We paid for the girdle panty, which came to $19 something with the sale and went off to get a gumball. I did try the girdle panty on when I got home, and it fits. Yippee! But I noticed something a little bizarre. The crotch snaps! It's like a onesie! So, when I do get it on, I don't have to take it back off the entire evening! How is that for planning ahead! Of course, I'm going to have so much dress in my way, that I'm not quite sure how I'm going to contort myself to get the panties snapped every time I go to the bathroom, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it.