Manic Monday

Silence

Close to home

I am still stuck out in the middle of nowhere at a hotel in Western Kansas for a family reunion, so my Manic Monday is going to be a little late. I have the perfect photo to represent silence, but I don't have any way to upload photos to my computer from here, so I will post it when I get home. Everyone check back Monday evening.

This afternoon I got a call from my dad as we were driving on some backward ass country road in the middle of nowhere down the highway. He was watching the news and told me about the shooting at a mall in Kansas City.

Not only is this a mall that I have frequented more times than I can count, but this mall is three blocks away from my son's preschool. Three blocks!! If you're at Eli's preschool and turn the corner, you can see the mall. And some crazy psycho with an automatic decides to go on a random shooting spree.

Even though we happened to be several hundred miles away when this happened, I am properly freaked out. I'm going to go hug my children now. I hope you all do the same.

Best Drink Ever!

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their kind words after my crazy post yesterday. I am feeling much better today. Some rest and a couple of vodka drinks really helped!!


Speaking of which, I did a Passion Party last night for a group of girls who work at a popular restaurant here in town. It was a bachelorette party, so it was a lot of fun. Plus they spent lots of money, so yea me!!


Anyway, a couple of the girls were bartenders, and kept mixing drinks for me. Are you ready? This is the best drink I have ever tasted.


It was part Pear Citron vodka.

Part Pomegranate juice.

And a splash of Sprite.



Dude! Best drink ever!!! It was delicious, and dangerous because it did not taste like it had alcohol in it.


So everyone have a great weekend, and enjoy a couple of pomegranate martinis. I am off to Western Kansas to Eric's family reunion, so there will only be minimal posting from me. But I'll be thinking of you!!

Highs and Lows

We all have highs and lows to our day, and since my daughter has ran into the Terrible Twos with wild abandon, I find myself grasping my sanity by a thread. Yesterday, I almost lost my grip.

Georgia and I dropped Eli off at preschool, and as always Georgia began screaming on the way out because I wouldn’t let her have a piece of candy from the Director Whore’s desk. This caused Georgia's usual routine of throwing herself on the ground, screaming at the top of her lungs, bucking, and trying to shimmy away from me when I reached down to scoop her up. And remember, this is in front of all the parents bringing their kids into school. It was a madhouse, and my little human roadblock wasn’t helping.

I would like one freaking day where that doesn’t happen. Just one. After that, we went to the grocery store. Usually when we go to the store, we stop at the deli first to get Georgia popcorn chicken. Since we were there at 9:00 a.m., they didn’t have any popcorn chicken made yet. How do you explain that to a 22-month-old child who is screaming “CHICKEN!!”

That again started the screaming, crying, and this time scratching as she attempted to climb out of the shopping cart. After a few minutes of arousing the attention of every single person in the store, a woman came running from the deli with a cookie for Georgia. “Here maybe this will help,” she said, handing Georgia the cookie.

Great. Does she really feel the need to interrupt my bad parenting to reward my daughter for turning into a monster?! Christ Almighty!

By the time we got out of the store, I was about to lose it. When we got home, I immediately turned on Dora so I could attempt to clean the house. I had just swept and was in the middle of mopping when Georgia decided to dump the cat food out all over the clean floor. That’s about the time I started crying.

When Eric got home last night and I related my day, he left the room and came back in with a gift. He was going to give it to me for Mother’s Day but decided I needed it yesterday. He got me an XM Player for my car!! Don’t I have a wonderful husband?!

That definitely helped turn my day around. That is until Georgia woke up at 4:00 a.m. I managed to get her back to sleep at 6:00 – precisely 30 minutes before the alarm went off this morning. Dude! I deserve that XM Player and then some!

13 Reasons I Know I’m A Mom

Thursday Thirteen!!

1. Today, my lunch consisted of the half container of spaghettios that my daughter didn’t finish.

2. I put my shoes on yesterday, and felt something in one of them. When I shook it out, it was dried macaroni and cheese.

3. I had to throw my last purse away because Georgia dumped a cup of milk in it. I could never get the sour smell out.

4. I know the words to almost every Laurie Berkner song, and often find myself singing them.

5. When I go to the bathroom, I find myself saying, “I need to go potty.”

6. That damn C-section scar.

7. The only books I’ve finished in the last three months are about Dora and have buttons you press that shout things like, “I need your help!” “Vamanos!” or “Can you say abre?”

8. In the last week, I have cleaned crayon off of the TV screen, dishwasher, bathtub and sliding glass door.

9. I find myself having to think of answers to questions like, “Mommy, why is there a sky?”

10. One of the most common phrases of my vocabulary is, “Because I said so!”

11. I have learned that cuts on the bottom of the foot (from stepping on a plastic dinosaur or a star shape from a shape sorter) feel better when you use Neosporin with the anesthetic in it.

12. Touching poop or throw-up doesn’t gross me out anymore.

13. I can get two kids dressed, fed, go to the grocery story, library, bank and post office, make lunch, clean the house, and do freelance work all on only three hours of sleep!

Wordless Wednesday

Mom Writers Listen Up!

I had a rare moment of free time last week, and I happened to catch part of Ellen. Actually, I happened to hear part of Ellen in between Georgia’s screaming fits, but I digress. Leah Remini was on, and although she's a crazy Scientologist, I still like her. She talked about a new Web series that she is starring in called In The Motherhood. It’s a mom-focused Web series, which will appear on MSN between April 17 through June. Each Webisode will profile the hectic and humorous lives of three mom girlfriends.

Anyway, Moms get to actually write and collaborate with screenwriters to create the Webisodes. That is the cool part. Apparently, professional screenwriters create the storylines and the characters, but they want moms to send in their real-life stories!

Hello! You all know I have plenty of stories of Georgia meltdowns at the local Wal-Mart, or maybe how Eli made me scream yesterday by bringing me a “surprise” which was a handful of live roly-polies. (The children really are trying to kill me.)

To participate, you can go to http://www.inthemotherhood.com/ and sound off on issues such as “your child’s worst public meltdown,” or “your funniest mother-in-law child-rearing advice.” You submit your story in paragraph form, and your story is automatically transformed into a traditional Hollywood script.

The online mom community will vote and the best entries will be incorporated into the Webisodes. The Webisodes will also be shown on the Ellen show!!

Visit http://www.inthemotherhood.com/ for more information.

Party Favors

On Sunday, we went to the birthday party of my friend Amy’s son Chase. He just turned three. It was a small party because in addition to Chase, Amy has a 13-year-old daughter, and a newborn baby who is about a month old. I don’t think she wanted the stress of a lot of people.

The party theme was Diego, and I think Georgia just about peed herself when we walked in. “DIGOGO!!” Oh jeez. The kids seemed to have a very good time. There was lots of cake and ice cream and games. Tori, the 13-year-old had a friend over, and they stood there the entire time looking very annoyed. Isn’t that the look for kids these days – the constant eyeroll?

My friend Heather and I did have fun teasing Tori. You remember Heather – the one who got married last summer. Well, Tori mentioned how a guy in her class kept asking her to go out with him, but she didn’t like him because he’s “a retard.” We asked what exactly “going out” entails when you’re 13. This got us a few eyerolls and sighs. Apparently when you are going out, it means you are boyfriend/girlfriend. Heather said, “Oh, it means you’re going together.” I said, “Oh yeah, when I was in school, a guy would ask, ‘Will you go with me?’” Tori burst out laughing at that. Apparently, that was the stupidest thing she had ever heard. Uh-huh. And “going out” makes so much more sense when you’re not even going anywhere!

Then later Georgia threw one of her fits because she and Eli were fighting over chalk. Without thinking, I relayed the stories of Georgia’s legendary temper tantrums. Then, I cornered Heather and asked if she would want to babysit on Monday, July 2, so Eric and I can go to the Goo Goo Dolls concert. That caused her to look at me in horror. “You just told me Georgia’s in a screaming phase! Are you crazy?! I don’t do kids! I wouldn’t know what to do with her.”

Then I tried to tell Heather how easy it would be. She wasn’t buying it. So I tried a different tactic of how Eric and I never get a night out together by ourselves. I think that got her. She said she would talk to her husband, BL, about it. BL is less into kids than Heather is, so it will be interesting to see how that goes.

After a couple of hours, the kids had worn themselves out and began acting crazy, so we decided it was time to go. Amy gave us our little goodie bags, and we left. While in the car, I looked in Georgia’s goodie bag. There were three bags of candy, some pencils, and a whistle. . . a whistle?!!! Are you f*cking kidding me. I looked in the back seat as Eli was pulling out his whistle. Then I looked at Eric. “I think I’m going to have to kill Amy.” She’s going to pay for this one.

Manic Monday - Sun

This week’s Manic Monday word is Sun. When I think Sun, I immediately think sunburn. Maybe that’s because my heritage is Irish and German, or maybe it’s just because God forgot to put pigment in my skin. Either way, I’m pretty much screwed when it comes to the sun.

I despise the people who tan so easily – like my husband. Even when he burns, it turns into a tan. What the hell? When I burn, I blister, peel, and freckle. And now that I’m getting older those freckles look more like age spots. I thanked God when they came out with tanning cream. I don’t even care if it makes me look a little orangy. Trust me – it’s better than looking like Casper the Surly Ghost walking down the street in the middle of July.

But I am here to tell you about the worst sunburn I have ever had. I was in third or fourth grade – so that would put me about age 8 or 9. Every year in our town, all of the elementary schools got together for a city-wide track meet. I’ve never been the athletic type, so I considered that a special form of torture. I remember specifically that they MADE us participate in three events. I always did shot put, since that was about the only event that didn’t involve running. Then I usually chose long jump – minimal running.

After that, the teachers usually stuck me in some sort of a race. I always hated that part. The 50 yard dash was my favorite because at least it was over quickly. The ones I despised the most were the relays with the batons. Dude! As if the whole running part isn’t bad enough, then you have the pressure of trying not to drop the baton on top of it. But the absolute worst was hurdles. I’d like to know who came up with that idea. Some sadistic f*ck liked to see kids practically kill themselves tripping over large hurdles and going down on the hard track. Not. Cool.

Ooo! I take that back. There was one event that was worse. Are you ready for this? The turtle race! It was for all of the slow kids. I mean the non-athletic kids, the fat kids, or the kids in Special Ed. As if children don’t have it hard enough, let’s give all the other kids one more reason to tease them by putting them in the turtle race!

One thing I did like is that you got a ribbon no matter how bad you were. There were usually six kids per event. I have a lot of sixth place ribbons.

Anyway, back to the sunburn. The track meets lasted all day. My mom always loaded me up with sunscreen, but this year, the sun was particularly brutal. I had the sunscreen smeared all over my cheeks and arms, but there were a couple of areas we didn’t think about. I had very light blonde hair to go with my fair skin. That day, it was in a pony tail. When I got home and took my pony tail down, I screamed in complete and utter pain. I had been burned on the top of my head! I never thought your scalp could get sunburned, but it did.

You can’t imagine how painful that was. My hair hurt. I could not comb it or pull it back or do anything because my head was so sunburned. On top of that, the tops of my ears got sunburned to the point of blistering. F*cking ouch!!!

That just solidified my hatred of the track meet. It took days for my head to get to a point where I was able to comb my hair. After that I wore hats. And I don’t even look good in hats! The sun is definitely not my friend. But at least I learned my lesson. Needless to say my kids get very annoyed with me in the summer when I put sunscreen in their hair.

Mom's Day

Tuesday was mom’s day at preschool. All the moms went to spend the first hour of class with their children. It was great! First I got to watch Eli go in and hug all the girls as they swooned and giggled. Then we all sat in a circle as the kids sang songs. Then each child went around and introduced their mothers.

This caused me a slight moment of panic. That morning before we left the house, Eli asked, “Mama, what’s your name?” Without thinking, I responded, “Supersonic Mommy – I’m a galaxy girl!” (Yes, I do pretty much give a smart ass answer to everything. I really need to work on that.) Eli just giggled. Little did I know he was asking my name because he would be introducing me at school.

Flash forward to all of the kids going around in a circle introducing their moms. My heart beat faster as it came to be Eli’s turn. He said, “My name is Eli, and this is my mom . . .” then he turned to look at me with a sly little grin on his face. My eyes were very wide in a silent plea for him not to be as much of a smart-ass as his mom. Then he finally said, “Neila.” *exhale*

Thank God! They continued around the circle, and when it came Ula’s turn to introduce her mom, I really had empathy for the woman. Ula was very shy at introducing her mom, so the teacher asked, “What does daddy call her?” Then Ula smiled and said, “This is my mom, Babe!” Okay, that was funny. Ula’s mom blushed clear down to her toes.

After the stress of circle time, we followed our children to each of their areas, where I watched Eli attempt to steal all the trucks from the other children. Then we did a brief art interlude, before it was time for the moms to leave.

Before we left, they gave the moms carnations, and a gift from our children. The gift was a picture Eli had drawn of me. It’s awesome. I have a big head and very long arms . . . or legs, I’m not quite sure. And a story that our child had written about us. Here’s what Eli wrote about me:

"Eli’s mom’s name is Neila. Her favorite color is purple. She likes to eat only spaghetti. She likes to work on her new computer. When she gets all dressed up she likes to go to the grocery store with my dad.

Eli and his mom like to hug each other and go to the gas station together to get the car washed."

That just about covers it!

My 13 Favorite Ice Cream Flavors

With summer around the corner, I have recently found myself craving ice cream. And cold beer, but that’s beside the point. We went to the store last night to get ice cream and while trying to make up my mind, I thought, “Hey! Wouldn’t this make a great TT!” I would have posted some yummy pictures, but effing blogger wouldn't let me post any pictures.

1. Sticky Toffee Pudding – Haagen Dazs – Oh sweet lord. This is one of their newer flavors. It was actually the winner of last year’s ice cream contest. It is heavenly.

2. Coffee, Coffee, Buzz Buzz Buzz – Ben and Jerry’s – I love coffee ice cream, and this one is only available in the scoop shop. They don’t sell it at the grocery store.

3. French Silk – Edy’s – I don’t know if it’s the flavor of the ice cream or the gigantic chocolate chunks I love the most.

4. Mint chocolate chip – the green kind – This has always been one of my favorite ice creams. Then, they tried to make it white and put in real chocolate chips. Dude! No. Make it green, keep the chocolate flakes and I’m happy.

5. Dublin Mudslide – Ben and Jerry’s – Who wouldn’t love an ice cream that tastes like Irish Cream liquor.

6. Vanilla Bean – Breyer’s – I’m not a huge vanilla fan, but vanilla bean, I lurve!

7. Cappucino Chunky Chocolate – Braum’s – We don’t have a Braum’s store in town, so this is one I savor every time I go down to visit my parents.

8. Butter Rich – Maggie Moo’s – Oh Lord! An ice cream that tastes like rich creamery butter. *drool*

9. Cinnamon Buns – Ben and Jerry’s – Caramel ice cream with cinnamon bun dough and a caramel streusel swirl. Yum-o!!

10. Peppermint – Braum’s or Edy’s – I always stock up on this one around the holidays!

11. Cookie Dough – Any brand – I love cookie dough ice cream. In fact, I’ll just eat the cookie dough straight. I really don’t need the ice cream with it.

12. Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup – Edy’s – Chocolate Ice Cream loaded with peanut butter cups. This one is great when you’re PMSing!

13. Butter Pecan – Braum’s – It’s actually tough to find a good butter pecan ice cream. It has to have good quality pecans that are sweetened before added to the ice cream. Braum’s has a great one!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Wordless Wednesday - Naptime

It's A Date, Johnny!

That’s right, I have a date with John Rzeznik. Yeah, yeah, there will be a few thousand other people there, too, but that’s not really the point now, is it?

In case you all are not familiar with this beautiful rock icon, he is the lead singer of The Goo Goo Dolls. I have been a Goo Goo Dolls fan for years, and yet I have never seen them in concert . . . until now.

Oh yeah, baby! They are going to be in Kansas City on Monday, July 2. I just bought tickets. Two tickets. I have no babysitter lined up, and have absolutely no clue who is going to watch my children. We have absolutely no prospects on that one, but I don’t care. I am confident everything will fall into place, so Eric and I can go to the concert. If not, I will drag one of my unsuspecting friends along with me.

Either way, I will be there! Save me a seat, Johnny! Woo hoo!

The Preschool Whore

No, it’s not one of the girls in Eli’s class . . . this time. You may remember that back in October I thought Eli’s preschool director decided it would be fun to dress as a prostitute. Well, apparently she celebrates Easter this way too.

I walked into preschool last week to drop Eli off, and the first thing I saw was Miss N, the director, standing there in all her glory. I had an urge to whip out my cell phone and take a picture because I thought “no one is ever going to believe this.” And if I could have thought of a good enough excuse to take her picture, I would have done it.

Miss N stood there saying her good mornings to everyone in her tight black pants, and skimpy black tank top, over which she was wearing a long sleeve black shirt . . . (wait for it) . . . made of fishnet! The fishnet part stopped about at her midriff, and long black fringe hung from her midriff down to her knees. And it gets better. Because the fishnet shirt wouldn’t have been complete without the sequins!

I am seriously not making this up!! What was even weirder is no one seemed to give her a second look! Dude! If I had worn that outfit to junior high, I would have been sent home to change! Apparently, the parents are all used to seeing Miss N dress like a tart.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not critiquing the woman’s fashion sense. I was wearing blue sweats and Birkenstocks, so I have no right. All I’m saying is that I see way too many girls these days dressed like whores as it is. Do four-year-olds really need how-to lessons from their preschool director?

When Eric got home, I couldn’t wait to share. I said, “Guess what Miss N was wearing today?”

His response? “Oh it couldn’t have been that bad. What was she? Wearing fishnet?”

HA!

Manic Monday - Tax

"Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing."

Happy Monday, everyone! This week's Manic Monday word is tax.

I just had my taxes done last week, and let me tell you, it was definitely interesting thinking of everything I could write off for Passion Parties. Happy Tax Day!

Weigh In - Week 1

You all may remember that last week I made the brave (or completely idiotic, I haven't decided) decision to join Julie's weight loss challenge. I'm not brave enough to post my beginning weight, and no one's getting that out of me even if you ply me with liquor.

Well, this is the end of week one, and . . .

I lost 2.5 pounds! Woo hoo! Yay me!

The sad thing is that I usually celebrate with food, so I'm going to have to think of a different way to reward myself. Maybe a Seduction Soy Massage Candle. Mmmmmm . . . that sounds nice. And coffee! Coffee doesn't have any calories in it, right?

Kudos to all the other ladies who are working their butts off in the Flip This Body weight loss challenge. I toast you all with a non-fat frozen yogurt!

The Brush

Okay, rarely do I buy make-up. I have to get the dermatology-tested stuff or my face breaks out, and I always wait until I’m completely out because that shit is expensive, and I hate to spend the money. Not only that, but I refuse to buy make-up unless I’m getting a free bonus. Dude! I have to take out a loan to buy eye shadow – a "free bonus" is the least they could do!

I have been out of powder for a week and a half waiting on a damn bonus. Finally, this week, Clinique was having a bonus. Finally.

I dropped Eli off at preschool, and Georgia and I headed to the mall to wait in line at the Clinique counter. Chipper, perky Lois came to help me, and fetched my powder, while telling me that I was only $3 away from the bonus. Of course I was. You had to spend $21.50 to get the bonus, and my powder was $18.50.

Before I could say anything, Lois had an inspiration. “I know!” she shouted. "You need a powder brush." Well, f*ck me. How did I ever live without a powder brush? Lois pulled out a very large powder brush (pictured at right), took off my glasses and began dabbing powder all over my face. I said, “Okay, that is nice.”

She went over to the register to ring it up, while I asked, “How much is the brush?”

Lois said, “Oh, it’s only $30.”

Cough. Cough. WHAT?!! “$30?!” I screamed. “For a brush?! Are you freaking kidding me?!” She explained how that was such a great deal because at the Estee Lauder counter they charge $40.

Well, guess what, Lois, I’m not planning to buy a brush over there either. Let’s all say it together now – Wal-Mart!

I kindly explained that if I spent $30 on a make-up brush, my husband would beat me with it. She said, “But Mother’s Day is coming up!” Uh-huh. And if my husband buys me a $30 make-up brush for Mother’s Day, I’ll beat him with it.

Since I was only $3 away from the bonus, not $30, I asked if they sold anything for $3, to which Lois replied, “Uhhhh . . . no.” *sigh*

I ended up with eye shadow . . . for $13. That was at least somewhat closer. Then, Lois informed me that I was now only $3 away from the big bonus. Apparently, I would get a free bag. I just glared at her. “Well, I’m just saying. . .” she said.

I bid adieu to Lois and left her with my Passion Parties business card. When I told Eric that, he was incredulous. He couldn’t believe I had left her with a business card.

“Why not,” I asked. “She obviously knows how to upsell.”

13 Questions I Have About Lost

1. What are we supposed to think about Juliet? I'm probably going to take flack for this, but I actually really like her. But come on! We all knew she was a mole. Like The Others are really going to cast off their only remaining doctor? Please! In fact, I think the whole thing with The Others almost executing her was a big ruse. That was the plan all along. Get her close to Jack, and then she infiltrates the camp. I knew it!!

2. What did the whole Nikki/Paulo episode have to do with ANYTHING?

3. Are we really supposed to believe The Others have no other way off the island? Hello?! What about Desmond’s boat that they stole? Yeah, they thought we forgot about that, didn’t they?

4. We need more episodes with Sayid with his shirt off. (Okay, that’s not really a question.)

5. Am I the only person who doesn’t like Kate? People seem to be forgetting that she’s a cold-blooded killer. And for a cold-blooded killer, I would expect her to be a little more tough. Enough whining, Katie! Where are your balls?

6. John Locke? What the hell? We all know he has a hard-on for the island. But what exactly is up with the whole healing thing? And why does it only work on some like him and Rose? And is he completely turning on his camp and joining The Others? And then there’s his father? Ben is one smart cookie to have gotten him there so quickly. How could they even have anticipated they would have needed dear old dad? And now that John is “stuck” on the island with him, what happens now? Hmmm . . . this one has me intrigued.

7. What the hell kind of ship/submarine/whatever was Desmond’s girlfriend on? Is she still looking for him? She’s obviously close since she picked up that whole sky turning purple thing. So, where the hell is she? Dude, there is so much more going on with her than we know.

8. Is Charlie going to die or not? I like him, but they haven’t given him much of a storyline other than the crap they threw at us during the first half of the season. And we all know what happens if you don’t have a storyline (ahem, Boone). I don’t want to see him die, but if he doesn’t, then is Desmond really psychic? Hmmm . . .

9. Are we ever going to find out the connections between Jack and Claire? And everyone else for that matter? Since I haven’t seen Jack carrying a pic of dear old dad around in his back pocket, and Claire doesn’t even know the man’s name, I’m not holding my breath on this one. I am more interested in what it means that everyone has a connection with each other.

10. Okay, back to Juliet - what the hell is her motivation? I know Jack said it when he said, "You want to get off this island more than anything in the world." But is it just because she wants to go home? Is that what Ben is promising her? And what does he want in return? And does Juliet have a revenge thing going on considering they killed her lover, Goodwin?

11. WTF is up with the Black Smoke, or Smokey as I’ve heard it called? It was scarier when it was a faceless monster. I’m sorry, but I just can’t get that terrified over black smoke. Who does it work for? What’s it’s motivation? Is it a Dharma creation? I’m certain Juliet knows a hell of a lot more about what it is no matter what she says.

12. Rousseau has lived on that island for 16 years and she’s never run across The Others’ camp?It takes a few people who have been there for three months to help her? Seriously? Come on!
And didn't she give birth to her baby on the island? Juliet said that no one had given birth on the island until Claire.

13. Are we ever going to find out what Libby’s story was? I’m a little pissed that that we found out she wasn’t really a doctor, but a crazy liar from Hurley’s mental institution, and then they killed her. WTF?! I’ve heard promises that they’re not “done with her yet.”

Dude! I want some answers!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Wordless Wednesday - The Shirt

Trust me - I've never seen a shirt that more perfectly said it all.

A quiet day at home

As a mother, I think I pride myself on having a strong stomach. I don’t let a lot of things gross me out. But occasionally there’s a day that just gets to me. When we have a day in which we don’t need to go anywhere, I always have these grandiose delusions that I will be able to get things done. That’s before I remember that it’s really a bad idea to take my eyes off the children.

I was attempting to fix an early lunch for the kids when Georgia comes in wrapped in a bath towel – a wet bath towel. I didn’t know where she had come from, but there was a trail of water behind her. Hmmm, I thought. That’s not good. I took the towel away from her, and went to go get her some dry clothes since she was soaked from head to toe.

When I turned to pick her up, she had vanished again. I went to look for her, and found her at the source of all the water – the toilet. I think she had soaked up as much toilet water as she could with the towel and rung it out all over the bathroom floor. She was now playing in it.

Oh, but it gets worse. Eli had used the bathroom and had not flushed the toilet. So, not only was Georgia and the bathroom soaked in toilet water. It was dirty toilet water. Dude! That was so disgusting.

I immediately flushed the toilet, and got more towels to mop up the floor. I got Georgia into clean dry clothes, washed my hands and went back to fixing lunch. I was attempting to watch Days of Our Lives while I was making mac & cheese, so I stuck the kids in my bedroom and turned on Noggin to keep them occupied. Just as I was finishing up, here comes Georgia, covered in a dish towel this time, again soaking wet.

Crap! Can’t this child stay out of water. I immediately ran to the bathroom. The toilet lid was down. I ran to the master bath – the toilet lid was down. Unfortunately, I did notice at this time that my bed was wet. Not surprising, since Georgia was soaked from head to toe, and had left her little wet butt print right on my pillow.

I looked around the house until I saw the water source this time – the cat bowl. Georgia had soaked every ounce of water out of the cat bowl with the tea towel and again wrapped it around herself. At least she chose clean water this time.

I stripped her down, and changed her clothes. Again. And then I changed the bed sheets. In the meantime, Georgia had located a few of the M&M’s from yesterday. I sat down to take a breather, and Georgia jumped up on my lap to share her new treasure. She chewed up the M&M’s, spit them out in her hand and began shoving them in my mouth.

Considering those little hands had recently been in the toilet, I thought I was going to toss my cookies. I do believe it’s the first time that M&M’s almost made me sick.

M&M's and Easter Eggs

Scroll down for Manic Monday.

Okay, for this diet thing to work, we are seriously going to have to do something about the Easter candy. The kids got candy from my parents, Eric’s parents, their Godparents, and the Easter Bunny. Dude! There are M&M’s everywhere!

Luckily, although my children refuse to eat normal food, they will Hoover candy like there’s no tomorrow. So, it shouldn’t be around tempting me for much longer.

Then there’s the cake. Last year, we did the bunny cake, and this year we were going for an Easter egg cake. I strongly overestimated my ability to cut a round cake into the shape of an egg. I decided I was better off to leave it round. So, I just decorated it like an Easter egg. Complete with a few of the millions of M&M’s that were floating around the house. It was cute. Eli’s first comment? It’s not shaped like an egg!

Speaking of eggs, why is it that Eli wouldn’t eat a hard-boiled egg to save his life? Yet if you color it purple and pink and put stickers on it, he bites into it shell and all. Maybe I should stock up on egg decorating kits and make Easter eggs as snacks throughout the year.

After a lunch of Easter eggs and candy, Eric’s parents called to wish the kids a Happy Easter. They tend to call on their cell phone while driving around out in western Kansas so their calls are usually dropped several times. This happened today before Eli got a chance to talk to them.

When they called back, Eli got on the phone and said, “Hi Grandma. I thought you hung up before I got to talk to you and I was pissed off.”

Oh crap. Then I hear blablabla from the phone, and Eli said “I said I was pissed off.” More “blablablablabla’ on the other end of the phone. I can only imagine the reaction of Eric’s mom. Jeez! Eli couldn’t tell mommy he was pissed off? He had to say it to Grandma?!

It’s really hard to reprimand your son when you are laughing so hard you’re in tears.

Manic Monday - Oh, Snap!

This week's Manic Monday word is Snap!

I looked long and hard, but I couldn't find Three Snaps in a Z Formation. I did, however, find Two Snaps, A Twist, and a Kiss. Anyone who ever watched In Living Color knows exactly what I'm talking about. Can you believe this was 17 years ago?! Dude! I am so old!

Flip This Mommy!

I know I need to lose weight. I have yo-yo’d my whole life, and now even my doctor is suggesting I check into the Lap Band. The Lap Band!!! Eric says I just need to not eat the chocolate truffles . . . and ice cream . . . and doughnuts . . . and white mochas. Oh hell! I pretty much need to change everything I eat.

Anyway, Julie over at Flip This Body provided some much needed incentive. Julie introduced a weight loss challenge – a race to her shower. The challenge? Lose 15 pounds by Julie’s bridal shower on July 22. I just signed up yesterday, and people are already posting weight loss totals!! Dude! I don’t even have my beginning weight yet. Someone has already lost three pounds!!

I’m doing Saturdays as my weigh-in, so I am just about to check my beginning weight. Will it help or hurt me that I am bloated and retaining? Hmmm . . .

If anyone else would like to join us in Julie’s weight loss challenge, visit Flip This Body for more details! Then I will sabotage you by sending you pastries. Muwahahaha!

300 Posts!

I just noticed that I passed 300 posts this week! I know that's small change to some of you. Hell! Morgen posted that many posts during Morgepalooza alone. :-) But 300 posts! Wow! That's a reason to stop and have a glass of wine . . . and maybe some celebratory chocolate truffles!

A Day In The Life

I decided on my Thursday 13 topic yesterday because I thought it would be good for me to write out several reasons I love my children. I thought it would counterbalance the little fit that Georgia pitched at Fuddrucker’s on Wednesday night. It did help.

That is my new tactic. When things are going wrong, I’m going to stop and remind myself five things I’m grateful for, and when the kids are on my last nerve, I’m going to stop and remind myself five reasons why I love them. Then when I discipline them, I start out with “I love you, but you cannot . . . paint the cat with orange fingerpaint, color on mommy’s computer screen, squirt a juice pouch all over the carpet, eat Crayola bath tablets or one of the many other things that has raised my blood pressure recently.” It’s easier not to lose control when you start out with “I love you.”

After my new realization, I got a wonderful call from one of my blog friends! Are you ready for this news? One of our blog buddies signed up to do Passion Parties! That makes me a team leader, and that makes you lucky because now there are two of us running around in the blogosphere who can stock you up on Glow Gigis and Mini Tongues! Oh yeah, baby!! I am pumped!

I knew after a great day, things would go down hill at some point. That seems to be the way karma works around here. That happened tonight when Eli refused to eat his dinner. We had parsley pasta purses in garlic and butter sauce. Yum-o!!

Eli refuses to eat pretty much anything, but he has to try at least three bites before he can be finished. He grudgingly ate bite number one. He chewed up bite number two, made a gagging sound, and spit it out on the floor. *sigh* Then he went to the room and slammed the door. Eric went to go talk to him. Unfortunately, Eric didn’t realize that Eli was standing directly on the other side of the door. When Eric opened the door, the doorknob caught Eli in the eye.

This is Not. Cool. There is no way I can put a positive spin on the fact that Eli has a black eye and my husband gave it to him. I should just call social services myself. Of course Eli doesn’t seem nearly as upset about his minor injury as he did about the fact that I made him put an ice pack on his eye. Wait a second. Daddy gave him a black eye and I’m the bad guy? Not fair.

Eric feels so bad that he’ll probably let Eli eat chocolate for every meal for the next week. Guilt is a wonderful thing. Even my four-year-old knows how to work it.

13 Reasons I Love My Children

Thirteen Reasons I Love My Children

1. Even though Georgia’s temper tantrums are LEGENDARY, whenever I look at her and see my own eyes staring back at me, I can understand exactly how she feels even if I don’t understand why.

2. Eli has the most incredible vocabulary I have ever heard from a 4-year-old. In the last 24 hours, he has used the words flabbergasted, exasperated, disgusted, gargantuan, and stupendous, and he has used them all correctly.

3. Georgia caters to my baby foot fetish by often thrusting her feet up to my mouth and shouting “FOOT!” so I will kiss it.

4. They both have an incredible musical ability. Today on the way home they both sang along loudly to Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain.” They really get into the “Don’t you? Don’t you? Don’t you?”

5. Georgia loves to make faces, and then I copy them. I know she wants to play because she opens her mouth as wide as possible. Then we move into a pucker, sticking out our tongues and fishface. She is hilarious.

6. Who says parenthood isn’t mentally challenging? Today, Eli asked me, “Mama, why is there a sky?” My answer was an inspiring, “Uhhhh, well, I umm, hmmmm.”

7. If peekaboo were an Olympic sport, my daughter would win a gold medal. She often jumps out at me from behind shower curtains or dish towels and screams, “PEEK!”

8. Eli loves the color pink and he doesn’t care who knows it.

9. Sometimes Georgia reminds me so much of myself it’s scary. She loves books. She will grab a good Dora, Elmo or Caillou book, and climb up on the couch, cross her little legs and intently flip through the pages.

10. Whenever I get home from a Passion Party and I’m completely exhausted, Eli gets out of bed to come and give me a hug and say, “I missed you, Mama.”

11. Georgia can sense when I’m about to lose it. That’s when she tilts her little face up to me and puckers her lips and goes, “Mmmmmmmm . . .” waiting for a kiss. That girl knows how to work it.

12. Although, he wouldn’t admit it, Eli still likes to cuddle with mommy. Tuesday afternoons are my favorite because when Eli gets home from preschool, we put Georgia down for a nap, and then he cuddles up on my lap and we watch TV or he falls asleep.

13. Georgia’s laugh. When she’s happy, it’s a squeal. When she’s excited, it sounds like she’s hyperventilating. And when I make funny faces at her, she giggles like crazy.



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Wordless Wednesday - My Little Roo

Obsession Meme

Skittles tagged me today with the Obsessions meme. This one is a fairly easy concept. Name five things you’re obsessed with and tag five people.

I like how Skittles described it as a quick meme. Do you have any freaking idea how difficult it was to narrow this down to five obsessions? I think it would have been just as difficult to narrow it down to 50. I finally just went with the five things I’ve been obsessed with today.

Coffee – Saying I love coffee is an understatement. I must have coffee by 9:30 a.m. or the headache starts to develop. Even if there is a morning I know I’m going out for coffee, I still need coffee at home before I leave – that’s my pre-coffee. Eric always gets up before me, so he makes the coffee. If there is a morning I get up and there is no coffee made yet, my blood pressure starts to rise.

Baby feet – I don’t have a normal foot obsession. But when I see baby feet, I just want to squeeze them. My baby foot obsession hasn’t disappeared yet with my children. Both children love me to massage, tickle and kiss their little toes. Georgia and I have had many rousing games of foot peekaboo.

Wentworth Miller – I searched the word “obsession” on my blog and almost all of them were about Wentworth Miller. No shocker there. However, the season finale of Prison Break was Monday night, so now I have no new Went until Fall. This makes the obsession worse because I’m hyperventilating with no possibility of a new Went fix.

My pendulous breasts – They’re way too freaking big. We’re still waiting on word from the insurance to see if they’re going to approve my breast reduction. They did come back and say they wanted more pictures. I will gladly flash anyone who will approve my damn surgery. In the meantime, I will look at them in the mirror and push them up, together, smoosh them, scrunch them, and try to imagine them smaller.

Sleep – I think about how much sleep I’m not getting when I’m awoken in the middle of the night by my daughter, Eli’s DVD player, a thunderstorm or Eric’s effing weather alert radio. When the alarm goes off, I think about how tired I am, and wonder if there’s any way I could possibly get a nap. And when I don’t get a nap, I wonder if I’ll be able to get to bed early. And when I don’t get to bed until 11:30, I wonder when the heck I will ever be able to catch up on my sleep.

Okay kids, I’m going to tag Morgen, Sadie, Travis, Sparky Duck and Crazy Working Mom.

Bunny Pictures

Every year, The Country Club Plaza puts out the big bunnies and other giant animals – turtles, lions, swans and the like – to celebrate Easter. And every year, we take the kids to the Plaza armed with cameras to get our obligatory bunny pictures. I also have delusions every year that when we take the kids down there, they will be perfect little angels, smile and pose for the camera, and we will get wonderful pictures.

Apparently, I’ve been smoking crack. You would think by now I would know to expect crazy children who act like the camera is trying to steal their souls, the way they scream and run when they see it.

Things actually started out very well. We got a couple of great shots of me with each of the children.

Then Eric continued his streak of taking great pictures with the kids, so I got one of him with both children looking human.

That’s really about it. Things went downhill from there. We took about 20 pictures, and the three above about covers the good shots. (Except for one that I’m saving for Wordless Wednesday.)

All I wanted was a picture of me with the two kids. A decent one. You may remember that I tried that at Halloween . . . and Christmas. No luck. So, I thought maybe the third time was a charm and an Easter pic would be perfect.

This was the best shot.

I was afraid people were going to think we were abusing Georgia with her high-pitched screams. Eli was running around the fountains like a crazy person, and when we could manage to drag him over for a picture, he looked completely and utterly bored.

My frustrations lapsed into a stream of curses. That got me very surly looks from the other parents who were there with their perfectly coifed and posing children. We decided to cut our losses and go to Latteland for coffee. When I ordered from the young guy at the counter, I asked if they had children’s drinks. He gave me a very blank stare and said “Uhhhhhhh . . . . water.”

You would have been proud of me. I didn’t smack him.

Manic Monday - Branch

This week's Manic Monday word is branch. We took the children to the Plaza today to take pictures with the bunnies (long story), and I was planning to write something wickedly clever about our day.

Well, the children didn't want to take pictures, and all of the screaming and crying wore me out. So that post is going to have to wait until tomorrow.

Instead, I am going to celebrate today's Manic Monday with a picture of my Nanny (grandmother).

I think I was about 8 years old when this was taken, judging from the hair. As you can see, my Nanny was hilarious! Wisdom, a great sense of humor, and a fabulous cook all wrapped up into one!

I lost her when I was 14 years old, and I have missed her every single day for the last 21 years. She was the strongest branch of our family tree.