Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Pendulous Bosoms

Okay, here’s the deal. I have large breasts. I know – try to hide your shock. To anyone who knows me, that is certainly not a huge surprise. It’s also not a surprise that I don’t like my big boobs and never, ever have. I always promised myself that after I was done having children, I would do something about my uncomfortable ta-tas.

Well, today was the day I met with the plastic surgeon. I had called my insurance beforehand to make sure the doctor I chose is in my network and they assured me that she is. That didn’t stop the receptionist from giving me a hard time at the office. What is up with these people, anyway?

First I filled out the forms, having to list everything from my great-grandmother’s maiden name to the reason her dog died 50 years ago. After 30 minutes of filling out forms, I was ready. That’s when the botox-laden receptionist gave me the third degree about my insurance. The receptionist had to go down to the billing department to make sure it was accepted. She came back 20 minutes later. Sure enough, they take my insurance, just as I had told her three times. Grrrrr!

After being at their office for an hour, I finally got called back by the nurse, who mispronounced my name. Then, I got to watch a 15-minute video on breast reductions. Yes, I had been there an hour, and still had yet to see anyone resembling a doctor, but at least I got to enjoy their multi-media presentation. About 10 seconds into the presentation, they used the term “pendulous breasts” and I started giggling like I was in junior high. My friend Heather has a whole little bit she does with a funny voice and a strut where she talks about having “hispies” and “pendulous breasts.” The recollection was so funny, that I practically peed my pants

After that, the nurse asked me questions like, “How small do you want your breasts?” She seemed alarmed when I said, “Lady, you could slice them completely off with a machete and I would be perfectly happy.” Apparently, they don’t get many answers like that. She responded, “I’ll just put that you’d like a B cup.” Yeah, yeah.

Then I had to wait for the doctor who came in to meet me before I stripped so they could take pictures of me naked. The doctor seemed like lots of fun. She described the different types of incisions, and the possibility that your nipple can die, in which case they reconstruct a new one. (Eeek!) I had already resigned myself to the fact that after this, my nipples will be nothing more than decorative ornaments, and I’m okay with that. At least now if I ever want to get them pierced, I won’t have to worry about any pain, right? (My husband doesn’t find that the least bit amusing.)

Then the doctor told me that it was now in the hands of the mo-fo’s at the insurance company. The doctor writes them a letter, explaining why I would be a good candidate for a breast reduction, and then we wait and see what they say. Since I cannot afford this surgery on my own, I am pretty much screwed if they say no. She said they might give me flack because I am overweight. I asked if they realized that being overweight might have something to do with the fact that my breasts probably weigh about 30 pounds each. She just smiled. I was serious.

After that, another nurse came in to take pictures. That was fun. Imagine a mug shot . . . naked. They stood me in front of a blue background and started snapping away. When I smiled for the camera (because I just can’t help but smile in front of a camera), she said, “You don’t need to smile. We only take pictures from your shoulders down.”

Well hell, that’s even more scary. I like to think the fact that my breasts are so “pendulous” that I can tuck them into the waistband of my pants, is somewhat offset by my winning smile.

I wonder if those pictures are going to my insurance company, too. I forgot to ask that part. I now have visions of my boob shots floating around the desks of horny men at Cigna. Oh well, if it gets me approved, I’ll flash them in person.

11 comments:

Desert Songbird said...

Sigh.

I, too, have pendulous bosoms, and I dream of having reduction surgery. Alas, I am not a candidate for major surgery due other health concerns, but I can fantasize of being a B or even C cup.

If you are approved for this, I will live vicariously through you.

You go girl!

Skittles said...

My daughter has the same problem and has back pain from it. I hope the insurance company comes through for you. And I would smile for a picture, too.

Donna said...

I'll bet the insurance company approves you. I know a woman who had that surgery when she was in her early 30's, and she said it's so nice to have people look at her face when they talk to her, rather than at her boobs.

debalious said...

I just had my substantial saddlebags removed in the siliconed lined offices of a very nice plastic surgeon. I have some hip issues and having the extra weight removed (7 liters) has really made a difference in the amount of pain that I had just walking and moving around.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you that your insurance will pay. Because you will feel so much better on so many levels! Mine did not so we had to do some saving and make some big financial decisions, but I want to say it was well worth it!!!!

About nipples, after nursing I always just regarded mine as low hanging decorative objects, I think their warranty expired and they had the life sucked out of them (hee hee)

SQT said...

Good luck! I wouldn't know what it was like to have extra in the bosom area. I was tiny until I had kids. Now I actually think they're fine, too bad that had to happen after I got married.

I do know a woman who had breast reduction surgery and they did a fantastic job. Initially they almost look fake because they are so high and perky. But after a while they get a more natural shape and look even better IMO. She had her surgery done at least 10 years ago and they still look great.

Blonde Chick said...

omg! Too funny!

The things we do for our insurance companies!

Good luck, and I hope it gets approved!

Morgen said...

I can't believe she told you that you didn't have to smile.
Why the hell not? It's your picture being taken!
I hope the insurance company approves -- I know this would be a big "reduction" of stress for you!
:)

Sadie said...

Good luck! I hope your insurance comes through for you.

I can't say that I know what you're going through-- maybe we could work something out where you give me your extra. But I hope you get approved for the surgery so you can be comfortable!

king said...

There are quite a few people weary of an insurance career because they think they have to be an aggressive sales person. Of course, sales is a necessary ingredient, however insurance is a service everyone needs. Besides, most positions do not require straight sales.

JJ said...

Back Pain is a pain in my… well… back!
I was hit by a car a few years ago and since then I have suffered a lot of lower back pain and back ache! I was on strong painkillers for awhile but then I was getting addicted to them so had to drop them before it got too bad. That was about a year ago now and since then I have been looking for alternate ways of relieving the pain and aching until a month ago I was struggling to find anything that helped but I managed to get hold of a memory foam mattress and I finally got a good night’s sleep! It was great! memory foam mattresses support my back where its needed relieving the pain and relaxing the muscles. I’m moving in with my girlfriend and I’m thinking of buying a king size memory foam mattress which will help me sleep but I have a feeling that her snoring will keep me awake anyway!

aquaricris said...

This is a funny story, but what I would do for breasts like yours.