Wordless Wednesday - Classic Eli

Knock Knock, Go Away!

I know I’ve said this before, but I don’t like other people’s kids. I have never been a kid person. Luckily, I fell in love with my own children the moment I saw them. When it comes to other people’s kids, however . . . . they bug me.

There is one child in particular that I occasionally wish I could smack. Or maybe I just want to smack his parents. Tell me what you would do in this situation.

There is a boy in the neighborhood who is the same age as my son, and they often play together. That is great, but I don’t need the kid at my house every day. I learned early on that this was going to be an issue. I stay at home with my kids, and Neighbor Boy’s (NB) mom works. They get home around 4:00, and the second they get home, here he comes.

This gets incredibly frustrating for several reasons. If I do let this kid come in and play, he tends to stay for hours. Plus his mom has called when he is over here before to say she is leaving to run errands. Once, she even left him here playing so she could go have dinner with a friend.

Okay, I’m the stay-at-home mom who needs a break. She hasn’t seen her kid all day. Yet she dumps him here whenever she gets the chance.

I have begun making sure the front door and screen door are locked every day because if it’s not, NB will just walk in. I usually put Georgia down for a nap around 2:30, so she is still asleep at 4:00 when NB comes over and tries to get in.

That’s right! He doesn’t knock. He tries to get in my house. I can hear him banging on the door handle trying to get it open. Only when he realizes it’s locked does he start knocking. Make that pounding on the door. Loudly. While my daughter is asleep.

Now, what would you do? Because this happens a lot even though I have told this kid's mother when Georgia naps in the afternoon. Either I can ignore it until NB goes away. That’s what I did today only to have him go in his back yard and start screaming at the top of his lungs, “ELI! COME OUT HERE!” (Eli, by the way, was taking a rare nap and apparently didn’t hear the door.) Or, I could answer the door, which I’ve done only to have NB argue with me when I tell him Eli can’t play, or just try to walk in my house anyway to look for Eli, or peer around me and start yelling for Eli.

Do you see what I mean when I say I want to smack this kid?

So, what should I do? You know I’m not shy when it comes to ripping someone a new one, but I don’t want to create bad blood with a neighbor. How do I handle this situation tactfully?

Manic Monday - Rip

This week’s Manic Monday word is Rip. You’ve probably heard the phrase “to rip somebody a new one.” Well, this may come as a shock to you, but I’ve always had a little bit of a temper. I really think that for the most part I’ve done a good job of working on my tolerance level over the years. Unfortunately, I still have those occasions where I have an extremely short fuse. (It was really bad when I was pregnant.) That got me thinking about all the times I’ve lost my head and ripped some well-deserving (or unsuspecting) person a new one. Here are a few instances.

1. A 20-something childless girl who remarked to me, “Children aren’t pets” when we had Georgia on her leash in a crowd of people. I stopped short of punching this girl in the face, but I did use a few choice words that I probably shouldn’t have in front of my children when telling the ignorant girl to mind her own business.

2. The girl at the swimming pool who wouldn’t let Georgia wade in the baby pool while we were waiting for Eli’s swimming lessons to be over. They wanted me to pay $3 so Georgia could wade in the pool for 20 minutes. I think the words “blood-sucking leech” came out of my mouth during that tirade.

3. A woman who cut in front of me in line at a public restroom when I was 5 months pregnant. Dude! You don’t cut in line in front of a pregnant woman for the bathroom. I mean, seriously. And just because I was pregnant didn’t mean I wasn’t going to throw down with someone who deserved it.

4. The pharmacist at Walgreen’s who chastised me for not giving them enough time to fill my prescription. I honestly don’t remember what I said because I just saw red. But I did make the woman cry.

5. The girl at McDonald’s who refused to sell me a 4-piece chicken mcnugget. I had to buy the 6-piece. Evil bloodsuckers.

6. A lady at the insurance company because they were trying to find some way not to `cover my pregnancy glucose test. Dude! Don’t mess with me when I'm pregnant.

7. The girl at the bank who had apparently transposed two numbers in my Social Security number on my account. This made it impossible for me to make any changes to my account because they kept telling me I had the wrong SSN. Grrrr! After I went off that time, her supervisor called me back and they actually credited my bank account $5 since I was so inconvenienced. Keep that in mind if you ever have a problem at the bank. Apparently, they can just give you money.

I’m sure there are many more, but I’ll stop there before you think I’m a complete psychopath. I hope you all have a happy stress-free week, but if someone gets in your way, don’t be scared to rip them a new one.

Pediatric Anal Probe

Everyone at our house has been sick all freaking winter for the last week and a half. Eli brought home the cold (which Eric swears is allergies, but I say cold). Then Eric came down with Eli’s “allergies.” Then me. Then Georgia. By yesterday, everything had settled in my chest, so I decided to make a doctor’s appointment before I ended up with pneumonia. Georgia seemed on the upswing. Until yesterday morning.

When Georgia woke up yesterday, she seemed fine. By the time we dropped Eli off at preschool, she was fussing. By the time we got to the grocery store, she was starting to cry. It got worse throughout the grocery store. By the time we got home, she was sobbing, with occasional screaming. This had now gone on for a total of three hours, so I called the doctor. They told me to bring her in immediately.

As upset as Georgia was, she was even more pissed when she realized I was taking her to the doctor. They weren’t exactly pleased as punch to have a child in their office screaming non-stop. I think she was scaring the other children.

When the doctor came in to examine her, I had to hold her arms down while he just listened to her with his stethoscope because she was trying to shove him away screaming, “NOOOO!!!” When he tried to look in her ears, she was having none of it. The doc had to bring a nurse in so she and I could hold Georgia down on the table so he could look in her ears.

Next up, they took her blood. Oh, dude. Dude. You would have thought Michael Myers was coming at her with a giant butcher knife the way she was screaming. For those of you who don’t have small children, they take their blood by pricking their finger and squeezing it out. Dude.

At least after that, I thought the worst of it was over. However, I was a little concerned because after they looked her over (fine), checked her ears (fine) and checked her white blood cell count (normal), they couldn’t figure out what the heck was wrong with her. I then had to sit through the quiz, with questions like, “Could she have gotten into anything? Any medications?” Yes, they were now trying to figure out if I had poisoned my child. I assured them that I was certain that was NOT the case.

They finally decided to give her some Tylenol to see if that would help her. Unfortunately, Georgia won’t take medicine. She spits it out, and if you manage to get it down her throat, she throws up. They didn’t believe me. Until they tried to shove the dropper in her mouth. The idiots.

That left only one option. I’ll bet many of you didn’t know that you could get acetamenaphin (Tylenol) in a suppository. Oh yeah! If I thought taking her blood was bad, giving her a suppository was about a bazillion times worse. The nurse, who had just gotten kicked by my daughter for sticking her with a needle, came back in with a helper. Yes, it took me and two nurses to hold this child down so one of them could shove a suppository up there. The nurses just gave me comments like, “Wow! She sure is strong for a 2-year-old.

Now, here’s the good part. By the time we had checked out and got to the car, the Tylenol had kicked in. Georgia had stopped screaming and fell asleep on the way home. By the time Eric got home, she seemed to be her normal self. Since he didn’t see any of this ordeal, he didn’t quite seem to comprehend the severity of the situation. He just heard, “but she’s fine now.” Dude, that hardly seems fair.

After that, I went to my own doctor’s appointment. Where they commented on my bloodshot eyes and the fact that I looked tired. I tried not to roll my eyes. Or show them my new bruises from my kicking daughter. *sigh* I’m trying to look on the bright side. Even though I had to wait an hour to see my doctor, at least I got some quiet time. Oh, and by the way, I have bronchitis. I think I’m going to officially classify yesterday as a bad day.

13 Things My Son Said About Me

At preschool, Eli had to fill out a sheet this week answering questions about his mom. Here are a few of the things he said about me.

1. My mom is 50 feet tall. (a little off)

2. My mom weighs 60 pounds (Hey, I’ll take it!)

3. My mom is 16 years old. (Close enough!)

4. My mom’s favorite food is spaghetti. (That’s his favorite food.)

5. While I’m at preschool my mom stays home with Georgia. (Yes, and I watch soap operas and eat bon-bons.)

6. My mom is really good at using chopsticks. (Only if they’re shaped like a fork.)

7. One thing my mother doesn’t like is when we climb on the cabinets. (Wow! That means he sometimes listens!)

8. When my mom has spare time she likes to help me do stuff I can’t do. (like pick up toys and clean his room. :-)

9. My mom’s favorite television show is Days Of Our Lives. (Okay, yes, this one’s true.)

10. My favorite thing that my mom cooks is oatmeal cookies. (Those oatmeal scotchies made an impression on everyone!)

11. My mom’s favorite restaurant is Let’s Dish. The food isn’t poisonous so kids can eat it. (Bwahahaha!)

12. What I like to do best with my mom is go to the grocery store. (So he can throw a bunch of stuff in the cart while I’m not looking.)

13. My mom’s favorite color is pink. (it’s purple)

Wordless Wednesday - Who needs roses?

Tuesday Ramble

Alright, dammit, I broke down. Eli and I made the Oatmeal Scotchies today. I needed something with oats, so it was the either Scotchies or No-bake Cookies. I went with the Scotchies because the picture I posted on my blog yesterday was making me drool. So I have a full batch of fresh-baked Scotchies if you’re in the neighborhood.

I waited until Georgia was napping before I yanked Eli away from SpongeBob so we could make cookies. I just didn’t have the energy to do it while Georgia was awake.

I actually thought I could leave the children in the family room to watch TV this morning while I put up a new shower curtain in the master bathroom. I thought the children would be okay in front of the TV for those 10 minutes.

After about five minutes, Georgia came walking into the bathroom. She had found the orange marker. Her hands (tops and palms) and feet (tops and bottoms) and some of her face were colored a nice bright orange. Gaaaa!

I swear to God, I think she hides markers around the house like they’re dog biscuits. After I got the marker off of her, I then had to clean the marker footprints off the hardwood floor.

After all of this, I realized something that hasn’t happened in a few months. I was hot! It was actually hot in the house. It was in the upper 70’s outside! Hallelujah, Spring finally arrived today. I kept telling Eli to go outside and play to which I got, “I don’t feeeel like it.” (Imagine that as a whine.) Tomorrow, I think I will unplug the TV before he gets up. Then I’ll bet I could get him to go outside.

And that’s another thing. Why do they have to show the same damn shows on Nick Jr. over and over again? If it wasn’t Spongebob, it was Fairly Oddparents. And this is what I have had stuck in my head all day:

Manic Monday - Quake

This week’s Manic Monday word is Quake. I asked my husband what the first thing was he thought of when I said the word quake.

He said, “Quaker oats, of course.” Then he started drooling and said, “Hey, when are you going to make Oatmeal Scotchies again? You haven’t made those in a long time.”

So, here you go. My husband’s absolute favorite cookie recipe, made with Quaker Oats!

Nestle’s Famous Oatmeal Scotchies

Ingredients
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 cup (2 sticks) butter or margarine, softened (I use 1 cup Butter-flavored Crisco instead.)
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup packed brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
3 cups quick or old-fashioned Quaker oats
1 2/3 cups (11-oz. pkg.) Nestle Butterscotch Morsels

Directions
Preheat oven to 375° F.

Combine flour, baking soda, salt and cinnamon in small bowl. Beat butter, granulated sugar, brown sugar, eggs and vanilla extract in large mixer bowl. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in oats and morsels. Drop by rounded tablespoon onto ungreased baking sheets.

Bake for 7 to 8 minutes for chewy cookies or 9 to 10 minutes for crisp cookies. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Wild Animal Crunch – a yummy new cereal!

Cereal is one of my pleasures in life. I just love cereal, and could probably eat it for every meal. So, I was very excited when Mom Central teamed up with Kellogg’s Company to send me a box of the new Wild Animal Crunch cereal.

My kids are at the age where they are starting to get into the cereal kick, so I am constantly looking for cereals they enjoy that consist of more than a bowl of sugar.

Wild Animal Crunch cereal includes vanilla- and chocolate-flavored wholegrain puffs. Each serving of Wild Animal Crunch contains 14 grams of whole grains and more than three grams of fiber.

But, how do they taste? That’s the real question. They’re good! They are sweet, but not sugary – along the lines of a corn pop if you want to compare sweetness. My husband and I both enjoyed them for breakfast. My 2-year-old daughter also really liked them. I put some in a little baggie for her and took them to the park with us as a snack. She just munched on the Wild Animal Crunch as she would Cheerios and she seemed perfectly happy.

My 5-year-old son was another story. He doesn’t seem to get excited about any cereal that won’t rot his teeth out of his head or that doesn’t promise him a free trip to meet Hannah Montana. However, once I poured a him a bowl of Wild Animal Crunch and put it in front of him, he ate it and said he liked it even though he wasn’t jumping up and down with excitement.

My son was more interested in the box! Each box provides animal games and fun facts to teach children how animals survive in the wild. I think I ended up reading my son the entire box. Each box also contains a real animal picture (we got the Panda, much to my daughter’s excitement), and tells parents and children about Animal Planet’s R.O.A.R. program (Reach out, Act, and Respond).

Look for Wild Animal Crunch in your grocery store today or visit the Kellogg’s Web site for more information. You can also visit Animal Planet’s Web site for more information on their R.O.A.R. program.

A Plumm Summer is a great family film!

A Plumm Summer is a new family film based on a true story in 1960’s Montana, where a well-loved TV puppet, FroggyDoo, gets stolen during a live show. The outcry of Montana families spur an FBI investigation, but the children of the small town race to solve the mystery on their own. A Plumm Summer is the winner of the Audience Best Film Award at the International Family Film Festival, and stars Henry Winkler, Billy Baldwin, Jeff Daniels, Brenda Strong and Chris J. Kelly.

We really enjoyed this movie as a family. Even though I will always think of Henry Winkler as The Fonz, I love him in just about anything. The child actors in this movie are very talented, particularly Chris J. Kelly who plays teenage Elliott – the junior detective trying to find Froggy Doo. Elliott captures teenage angst in all its glory as he tries to win the affection of the girl next door, be a hero for his little brother, and gain the respect he deserves from his alcoholic father.

My husband and I sat down to watch a DVD screener of the movie, and I asked my 5-year-old if he wanted to watch it too. He scoffed a little bit because anything that’s not animated is considered “a grown-up movie” in his mind. However, by the end of the movie, he was sitting right in front of the TV asking, “Do you think they’re going to find the frog?!”

There were a few tense moments mostly related to the dysfunctional family dynamic that my son didn’t quite understand, but he seemed to love the overall story of a group of kids in search of Froggy Doo. It’s always nice to be a be able to sit down and watch a movie with my child and not have to worry about violence, language or sex – none of which you have to worry about in A Plumm Summer.

A Plumm Summer opens April 25th in a limited release in the following areas around the country:

* California: LA and surrounding areas
* Alabama: Birmingham, Trussville
* Minnesota: Oakdale, Lakeville, Eagan
* Montana: Billings, Bozeman, Kalispel, Livingston or Missoula

Support independent films! If A Plumm Summer is opening near you, I hope you will see this heart-warming family movie. Visit the official Web site for more information about the movie, and view the trailer below:

I'm really not crazy

Do you ever just have kind of an off day? I really hate it when my off days have witnesses. I think the preschool teachers think I am the most scattered mom at the school.

Yesterday, I was on the way out the door with about 50 things in my hand (as usual) including a cup of coffee and Eli’s school picture proofs and order form. Okay, I will admit that it probably wasn’t a great idea to be carrying all of these things together, but I was in a hurry . . . and still managed to forget my purse.

Anyway, while getting in the car, I managed to spill coffee down the front of my shirt and all over the photo forms. Crap! I had to run back in the house to get a towel (and my purse) to clean up.

When we got to school, I handed the forms to Eli’s teacher and said, “Sorry they’re wet. I spilled coffee all over them this morning.” She just asked, “Neila, is it one of those mornings?” I said, “Yeah, I’m beginning to think so.”

Next, I dropped off a Walmart sack with two bags of candy in it at the preschool director’s office. All the kids stop by her office every day for a piece of candy, and I felt I owed her for all the extra candy my kids have siphoned.

Anyway, when I came back to pick Eli up after school, I saw the director waving something at me from in her office. She said, “This was in your sack.” When I got closer, I saw that it was a jar of honey mustard. Well, hell. I wondered what happened to that. I bought chicken tenders at the same time I bought candy and I knew I bought honey mustard to go with the chicken, but I couldn’t find it when I got home. Apparently, I delivered it to Miss Nikki along with two bags of candy.

After my ditzy morning, I picked up Eli and tried to ask him about his day on the way home. He excitedly told me that Miss Martha brought worms to preschool and they got to touch them. I said, “What did they feel like?”

His response? *blink*blink* “Like worms.” (I think the “Duh, mom!” was implied.)

Special K Bliss Bars make a yummy snack!

Dude! When I get chocolate in the mail, it is officially a good day! Yesterday, the folks at Kellogg’s sent me samples of their newest treat, Special K Bliss Bars (along with a lovely canvas bag).

Special K Bliss Bars come in two flavors, chocolate-dipped raspberry and chocolate-dipped orange. The bars are a combination of fruit-flavored pieces, crispy cereal and a chocolatey bottom layer. Plus, they are only 90 calories! (Holla!)

Now, for the all-important question – how do they taste?? I really liked the chocolate-dipped raspberry Special K Bliss Bars. I am a big fan of raspberry, and this had a nice flavor to it. The raspberry flavor was tasty without being overwhelming, and you had that bottom layer of chocolate, which was great. My only complaint on these is that I wish they were bigger! But at 90 calories, one Bliss Bar makes a perfect snack (or a really quick grab-and-go breakfast), especially if you have a big sweet tooth, like me. I always love a snack where I can satisfy that sweet craving but not have the guilt!

I also really liked the fact that it was something different. If you search down the aisle of cereal bars in the local grocery store, you won’t find anything else like these.

Now, I should touch on the chocolate-dipped orange Special K Bliss Bars. Let me preface this by saying that I’m really not a fan of orange anything, so I don’t know that I’m the best judge. I just thought that the orange flavor seemed overpowering. It wasn’t subtle like the raspberry bars, so I didn’t really care for them. My husband, however, absolutely loves anything orange, and he thought the orange Bliss Bars were out of this world!

My kids seem to enjoy both flavors. I use these to trick the kids. I ask, “Would you like to try one of mommy’s new ‘candy bars’?” That’s all I really need to say for them to jump on it. Both of the children just seemed to love them!

The Special K Bliss Bars should be available in stores near you today. You can also go to the Kellogg’s Web site to learn more and to check out more nutritional information about the Bliss Bars.

13 Things I'd Like For Mother's Day

1. I'll take any spa treatment - I'm not picky.

2. Chocolate in any form will do just fine.

3. A new car - a hybrid would be nice.

4. Enormous jacuzzi tub.

5. My own coffee shop with full staff.

6. Oops - how'd that get in there? :-)

7. New bedroom furniture.

8. A day at the movies.

9. A trip to Vegas. (I've never been there!)

10. A new grill - and I mean a manly grill, dammit!

11. A maid!

12. A beach anywhere would be awesome!

13. If all else fails, cash works for me.

Mamma Mia Contest - Win a London trip!!

I have seen Mamma Mia three times on stage, and I am sooo excited for the movie to come out this summer starring Meryl Streep. It is going to rock! I am thrilled to tell you about the Mamma Mia contest that is being sponsored by Pond’s!

How many times have you stood in front of a mirror or on a karaoke stage or in your car for that matter and belted out Dancing Queen or Mamma Mia? Well, now is your chance to use those talents to win a lavish trip to London!

Women ages 40 and older are invited to form a singing trio and perform their own take on Mamma Mia or Dancing Queen! Then submit a video of your trio’s performance via the Pond’s Web site! The Pond’s Web site also has complete music and lyrics for both classic songs that you can download to rehearse.

It’s like American Idol for adults who just love the music from Mamma Mia! If you have two friends who you think will help you make a great trio, and a digital camcorder, you’re ready to go!

The winners of the contest will win a luxurious trip to London to live the life of three dynamos at the world premiere of Mamma Mia! Visit the Pond’s Web site for more information!

Don’t delay! The deadline for submissions is April 30th, so grab your friends, pull out your camcorder and start belting out those tunes. Maybe you will soon be on your way to London! Good luck!!

Wordless Wednesday - Warp Speed Ahead

Tales From The Potty

For about a month now, we have been sitting Georgia on the potty three times a day to go the bathroom. Occasionally she pees. But most of the time she just likes to sing songs. . . Scratch that. She likes me to sing songs. Particularly my original rendition of “Georgia’s going pee-pee in the Dora potty.”

I’ve tried letting her run around without pants on, but twice now she has peed down her leg and began stomping around like she’s playing in a rain puddle.

The other day, I tried another trick that the potty training book said to try. The book said to give your child a choice each morning as to whether they wanted to wear a diaper or regular underpants. I thought I would give it a shot. Maybe if I put regular panties on her, she would want to keep them clean, right? Well, that’s what the damn book said!

I pulled out a pull-up and a pair of panties and asked, “Georgia, do you want to wear a diaper or big girl panties today?”

She happily yelled, “BIG GIRL PANTIES!”

Eli glanced up at us from his cereal bowl and said, “I really don’t think that’s a good idea, mama. I think you should go with the diaper.”

Yeah, no kidding!

After breakfast, I sat Georgia on the potty, and she did absolutely nothing. I then put her panties on her and then her pants. The book said to put her on the potty every hour, but I decided to try every half hour.

About 25 minutes later, when I went to pick her up, she was soaked. I don’t know when she peed, but it never phased her one bit because I was watching her the whole time, and never noticed a difference in her reaction – certainly not the surprised reaction the book was talking about when the child realizes they don’t have a diaper on.

You know, I’d like to get my hands on whoever wrote that f*cking potty book, because they obviously never had children.

Manic Monday - Bud

This week’s Manic Monday word is Bud. I’m sure I’m going to see a lot of flowers around the blogosphere this week, but my mind went in a different direction . . . 80’s movies. Yes, I know I’m weird. But seriously, this is what comes to mind.

Bud and Sissy! Dude, no matter how many times I watch Urban Cowboy I still don’t get the appeal of this movie. I do like those Bud and Sissy license plates, but that’s about it. I’ve never been a huge John Travolta fan, so maybe that’s why I can’t get into it. Or maybe it’s just because I have way too many cousins who are the spitting persona of “Bud.” And don’t even get me started on “Sissy” who in the end chooses John Travolta - the guy who only smacks her around a little bit. Seriously, people.

Ultimately, when I think of the word "bud", I think of Sean Penn from Fast Times At Ridgemont High – the ultimate 80’s movie, and one of my favorites!

Here are a few interesting Sean Penn-related tidbits from Fast Times:

** Sean Penn extinguished a cigarette in the palm of his hand in order to better understand his character Jeff Spicoli.

** Sean Penn was asked to read for the part of Brad Hamilton as well as that of Jeff Spicoli.

** During shooting of the film, Sean Penn got so into character that he only answered as Spicoli. In fact, the door on his dressing room was labeled "Spicoli" instead of "Sean Penn".

** Sean Penn asked out Pamela Springsteen, who played Dina, on the set of the movie; she accepted.

** Sean Penn improvised during his takes and tried to find ways to aggravate actor Ray Walston, who played Mr. Hand, even off camera. He also did things to get genuinely startled reactions from the extras who played his classmates through unexpected improvisations.

And now for a clip, so those of you who may be confused on how in the heck this relates to “Bud” can see why this is the first movie that popped into my head. And as a disclaimer, please let me say that this clip is not meant to offend ANYONE!!

The Haircut

Eric decided it was about time to get a haircut and was wondering how short to cut it. . . Okay, so I decided it was time for him to get a haircut. (I'm sorry - but unless you're Jon Bon Jovi, not many guys can rock the long locks.)

Eric called and made an appointment. Unfortunately, his regular guy had left, so he got a new guy. Anyway, Eric asked me how short I wanted his hair, so I told him I would print out a picture for him to take in with him. I printed off this picture of what I thought would be a good haircut and handed it to him.

He just looked at it and glared at me.

Me: "What?"

Eric: "Do you honestly think I am going to walk in and hand some guy this picture and say I want my hair like Brad Pitt?"

Me: "It's just the hair you're going for. It's not like you want him to turn you into Brad Pitt."

Eric: *glares at me*

Me: "By the way, can I have that picture back when you're done?"

Eric: *glares at me*

Me: "What?"

I'll let you know how it turns out.

Get rid of lice with Lice M.D.

I don’t know about you, but I seem to remember vividly the times when there were cases of lice running rampant throughout our grade school. If one child had it, it wasn’t long before those little buggers jumped from head to head to head. And if you got lice, you were screwed because in third grade the only thing that brought down your social standing more than lice was a bad case of coodies.

Although there’s still no cure for coodies, lice can be taken care of quickly and easily with Lice M.D. The kind folks at Mom Central sent me a free sample of Lice M.D., and although we’re not currently experiencing a lice problem, I am pleased to have this on hand since my son starts kindergarten in the fall.

Lord only knows what they used to spread on our heads in the 70’s, but now Lice M.D. provides an effective remedy that is pesticide-free and eliminates lice in three easy steps without pulling your child’s hair out. With Lice M.D., you can take control of your lice problem before it takes control of you and your household.

Lice M.D. is clinically tested by pediatricians and proven to be effective at eliminating lice, eggs and nits. Plus, Lice M.D. uses a synthetic lubricant which makes it easy to comb through hair – almost like a conditioner!

You can apply Lice M.D. in three simple steps to eliminate your lice problem. First, apply it to dry hair, then wait 10 minutes. Next, section and comb the hair (with Lice M.D. still in it) to remove lice, eggs and nits. Third, shampoo hair regularly with shampoo and warm water. It’s as simple as that!!

Visit the Lice M.D. Web site to learn more about this wonderful product and watch their product video. Trust me, if you have kids in grade school, this is something you should definitely keep on hand as a staple. The Lice M.D. Web site offers more product info as well as testimonials, additional resources, and printable coupons for Lice M.D.!

Me and Georgia

I should know by now not to correct the grammar of a 5-year-old. Why? Because I had a conversation with Eli yesterday that went something like this.

Eli: Do you want to try those new waffle pancakes?

Me: Yes, I think they would be good.

Eli: Me and Georgia don’t want to try them.

Me: Georgia and I don’t want to try them.

Eli: *blink blink* But you just said you did.

Me: I do. I’m telling you that the proper way is not to say ‘Me and Georgia’ but rather ‘Georgia and I don’t want to try them.’

Eli: *getting really frustrated at this point* So, do you want to try them or not?!

Me: Yes!

Eli: Then why do you keep saying you don’t?!

Me: Never mind!

Eli walks off in a huff. Eric sits there laughing at me. And I am not amused.

13 Things You'll Never Hear Me Say

1. I’m pregnant!

2. I don’t drink coffee. I always get so much sleep so I don’t need the caffeine.

3. Could you pass the peas?

4. I don’t think they show enough SpongeBob on TV.

5. My children NEVER whine!

6. It’s just too chocolatey.

7. I was so busy today that I forgot to eat.

8. What should I do with all this leftover wine?

9. I have WAAAAY too much time to myself!

10. I have plenty of time to clean my house since my children go to bed so early.

11. Starbucks? Who needs Starbucks?

12. I could watch the Teletubbies for hours!

13. I get so many date nights with my husband!

Wordless Wednesday - Rock Chalk Champions!!

WE WON!!!!!!!!!!!

ROCK!!

CHALK!!

JAYHAWK!!

GO!!

KU!!!

Yes, my alma mater The University of Kansas Jayhawks just won the 2008 National Championship in overtime!!!! Mario Chalmers made a three-pointer to tie with only seconds left in regulation to send it into OT. I think my heart stopped. Except I was jumping up and down screaming. My husband was crying. And Eli came running into the family room to tell us to keep it down. I only started crying after the game was over and Chalmers went into the stands to hug his mom. Ohhhh, it's awesome here! I can hear fireworks going off outside!!

Did I mention WOOOOO HOOOOO!!!! JAYHAWKS FOREVER!!!!!!

Kindergarten Round-up

On Friday, I took Eli to Kindergarten Round-Up. In our school district, Kindergarten Round-Up consists of taking the children into the library to do “fun activities” (i.e. making them write letters and use scissors just to see if they can), and taking the parents into the gym to see how long they can sit on hard folding chairs before their butts fall asleep. (About 20 minutes – yet they talked 1 ½ hours, complete with three Powerpoint presentations!!)

Overall, I think it went well. Except, why is it that when I walk into the elementary school, memories of my youth come rushing back to me? My maiden name began with a Y, so I was always the last one in line. Now, my last name is in the first part of the alphabet. When we went in, it was such a thrill for me to go to the line that said A-J. Eric thought it was weird how oddly exhilarated I was.

After I went to the gym, I immediately found my next door neighbor so I had someone to talk to. (This may come as a shock to you, but I don’t do well at sitting quietly.) Here are the highlights that I feel the need to share:

* The principal is freakishly tall – we’re talking in the 7-foot range. I’m wondering if they hired him based on his height because you really don’t need much more when you’re that intimidating.

* We met the three kindergarten teachers. Why is it that there’s always one teacher who looks like she’s about 100 years old and a total bad-ass? I know she is totally the one Eli is going to get.

* They make the children sign paperwork. Things sure have changed. I even raised my hand and asked, but yes, my 5-year-old son actually has to scribble some semblance of a signature on the agreement not to bring weapons to school. That is bizarre to me.

* They start teaching typing, excuse me, keyboarding, in kindergarten!!! Before they leave grade school, there is apparently a proficiency exam on typing so many words per minute. Dude! I didn’t take typing until 9th grade!!!!!!!

* I discovered when we took a tour of the school that my child isn’t that intimidated by the 7-foot principal as demonstrated when Eli and his best friend Parker tried to see how fast they could run up and down the wheel chair ramps.

* They still hire the butchest lesbians they can find to teach P.E. It’s nice to know that some things never change.

Dare to Wear White

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Manic Monday - 1,000

This week’s Manic Monday word (number?) is 1,000. When I heard the theme this week, something immediately came to mind, and it falls in the category of “Ways In Which I Channel My Mother.”

It’s not that I misbehaved badly as a child, but I can often remember my mom saying, “Neila Jo! If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you 1,000 times. Do NOT leave your shoes in the middle of the floor.” Or “Do NOT talk on the phone for more than 20 minutes.” Or “Do NOT hang your bra on the bathroom door knob.”

Whatever it was, the first part was always the same – she had always told me 1,000 times. What does this lead to? Well, let me tell you . . .

“Eli! If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you 1,000 times. I do NOT allow name-calling!” or “Do NOT hit your sister.” Or “Do NOT pull the cat’s tail.” But again, that first part is always the same.

So, here’s the thing. Eli is only five, but already I find him repeating me. Except he has his own take on it – complete with loud sigh, sarcastic tone and eye roll. It goes something like this:

Me: “Eli, do you know what you want for breakfast?”
Eli: *Loud over-exaggerated sigh* “How many times do I have to tell you? 1,000?!” *insert eye roll* “I haven’t decided yet!”

It’s a cycle, I tell you. A vicious cycle!

The latest contraption

Dude! April Fool’s needs to end before my son gives me a heart attack. He has spent the last week either hiding my stuff or jumping out at me from behind furniture yelling “APRIL FOOL’S!!”

I keep telling him that April Fool’s Day is just that – ONE DAY! And it’s over. He’s not getting it. I can only handle someone jumping out at me so many times.

In other news, Eli’s parent-teacher conference was today. You never know exactly what you’re going to hear, but it was all good . . . well, mostly good. I learned that Eli needs to work on his listening (gee, there’s a big shocker), and that he needs to work on kicking a ball because that’s not really one of his strengths.

I tried really hard not to laugh. I told his teacher that after two summers of soccer and Eli lying down on the field, I was way ahead of her on knowing that kicking a ball wasn’t really his strong suit.

Luckily, Eli has the vocabulary and creativity to make up for it – as proven by his drawing of an underground television complete with large buttons and instructions on how to operate it. He enjoyed telling me about his "latest contraption." How does he even know what contraption means? I have one interesting kid!

13 Funny Things My Children Said This Week

1. Eli not wanting to go to bed: “I hear monsters outside playing ball.”

2. Georgia: “Mama! Can I shake your boo boos?”

3. Eli: “Alvin and the Chipmunks is available on DVD and Blu-ray. Can we still see it even though we don’t live in Blu-ray?”

4. Georgia wiggling her fingers in front of my face: “Boo! . . . It okay, Mama. Don’t be scared. It just me. It perfectly fine.”

5. Eli, listening to my Beatles album: “Wow! That drummer is really good!”

6. Georgia, playing dress-up: “I trying to be a Halloween.”

7. Eli, looking at blue stuff all over his shirt: “I don’t recognize that substance.”

8. Georgia, peeing down her leg with no pants on: “I don’t need to go pee pee in the Dora potty.”

9. Eli, watching a preview for Horton Hears A Who: “Look, Mama! It’s that movie you want to see!”

10. Georgia: “Can I spit in your water?”

11. Eli, describing mom on a picture he drew of me at school: “She eats zucchini. One of her favorite colors is pink. She likes to be in L.A.” (FYI, I only eat zucchini if it’s deep-fried and served with Ranch dressing. My favorite color is purple. I’ve been to L.A. once.)

12. Georgia, coming in from the backyard caked in mud: “I not dirty.”

13. When I asked who left Hershey’s Kiss wrappers all over the floor, Eli with chocolate covering his face said: “I know who did it. It was Georgia!”

Wordless Wednesday - Headless Dora Piñata

That only took two whacks!

The Better Choice?

Tonight, I was faced with an option. Take Georgia to a make-up Gymboree class or go to the grocery store and take Eli. Considering that I have had to remove Georgia from the last three Gymboree classes for chasing children, screaming, and snatching toys away from them, I opted for Eli and the grocery store.

I normally go to the grocery store during the day, but it was storming today so I waited until this evening. I forget that most people go in the evenings after work so it was freaking packed.

And Eli, who seemed fairly tired before we left, acted like he had just drunk a shot of espresso as soon as we entered the store. His newest thing is “marked boxes” of whatever. He realized that if you look for marked boxes of cereal, drinkable yogurt, lunchables, crackers, pancakes, you name it – you can either get a prize or possibly win something. I can’t tell you how many D’animals drinkable yogurts I have bought because Eli is desperately trying to win a trip to L.A. to see Hannah Montana. Dude!

If that’s not bad enough, every time he sees a marked box, he has to stop in the middle of the store and study it carefully to figure out exactly what you can get. I think it took us 20 minutes to walk down the cereal aisle alone. And even I was getting tired of my frustrated shouts of, “Eli! COME ON!!!”

I think next time, I’ll opt for Gymboree.