Return of the Orange Goblin

That’s right. The Orange Goblin (aka our new Hoover vacuum) is going back to hell on the horse it rode in on. Why, you may ask? Because the belt on the f*cking thing broke the second time I used it! Even the Bissell Powerf*ck lasted longer than that.

Buzzzz! Thank you for playing anyway, Orange Goblin. Don’t let the door hit you in your bright orange ass on the way out.

When Eric got home tonight, he actually started to lay partial blame on me. I’m sorry, what?

Oh, hell no!

You see, today’s issue started because the lovely Passion Parties office decided for whatever the hell reason to stop packing our shipments in air bags and instead pack them in Styrofoam peanuts. They’re not even the kind that our water soluble. They are the damn messy Styrofoam peanuts. I opened my shipment today, and the damn peanuts went everywhere. The fact that Eli was helping create a peanut rainfall was not helping.

I attempted to pick them up, but they easily break into about a million pieces, especially when there is a 4-year-old jumping all over them. So, I got out the new vacuum, and the old one so I could vacuum them up. Eli was commandeering the Bissell, and I had the Orange Goblin. After about two minutes, neither one of us had suction, and there were still about two million damn peanuts on the floor. I quickly discovered that both vacuums were clogged with peanuts. Now, I wasn’t just sweeping them up, I was using the suction hose on both of them. Clogged.

So, I unhooked the vacuums, and was attempting to dig the damn peanuts out of the vacuum. That’s about the time Eric came home. He said, “Well, what made you think you could vacuum them up?” Oh gee, I don’t know. How the hell are you supposed to get them up?! If my super powers hadn’t been acting up today, I could have just crossed my arms, bopped my ponytail and blinked the damn things into the garbage.

Eric just looked at me and didn’t know whether to yell back or turn around and leave. Luckily, he stayed, and helped try to scoop up the billions of peanuts, which of course left gazillions of remnants behind on the carpet. At that point they were small enough to be vacuumed up normally. So, I turned on the Goblin, and began vacuuming. I soon began thinking, “Well this damn thing is just as hard to push as that effing Bissell.” That’s when I looked down and noticed that the roller was not spinning. Oh, mother f*ck! Are you kidding me?!!
I screamed for Eric, and at this point, I do admit that I was about to step from crazy into maniacal. He got out his screwdriver, and took the damn thing apart, and guess what? The f*cking belt was broken after only my second use.

What did I do? I popped open a bottle of wine and sat down to watch Grey’s Anatomy, while Eric boxed up the Hoover so we can ship it back to Amazon. Do I care that we still have popcorn peanuts on our floor? No.

Why don’t I care? Because I’m getting a f*cking Dyson.