Saturday, February 10, 2007

Return of the Orange Goblin

That’s right. The Orange Goblin (aka our new Hoover vacuum) is going back to hell on the horse it rode in on. Why, you may ask? Because the belt on the f*cking thing broke the second time I used it! Even the Bissell Powerf*ck lasted longer than that.

Buzzzz! Thank you for playing anyway, Orange Goblin. Don’t let the door hit you in your bright orange ass on the way out.

When Eric got home tonight, he actually started to lay partial blame on me. I’m sorry, what?

Oh, hell no!

You see, today’s issue started because the lovely Passion Parties office decided for whatever the hell reason to stop packing our shipments in air bags and instead pack them in Styrofoam peanuts. They’re not even the kind that our water soluble. They are the damn messy Styrofoam peanuts. I opened my shipment today, and the damn peanuts went everywhere. The fact that Eli was helping create a peanut rainfall was not helping.

I attempted to pick them up, but they easily break into about a million pieces, especially when there is a 4-year-old jumping all over them. So, I got out the new vacuum, and the old one so I could vacuum them up. Eli was commandeering the Bissell, and I had the Orange Goblin. After about two minutes, neither one of us had suction, and there were still about two million damn peanuts on the floor. I quickly discovered that both vacuums were clogged with peanuts. Now, I wasn’t just sweeping them up, I was using the suction hose on both of them. Clogged.

So, I unhooked the vacuums, and was attempting to dig the damn peanuts out of the vacuum. That’s about the time Eric came home. He said, “Well, what made you think you could vacuum them up?” Oh gee, I don’t know. How the hell are you supposed to get them up?! If my super powers hadn’t been acting up today, I could have just crossed my arms, bopped my ponytail and blinked the damn things into the garbage.

Eric just looked at me and didn’t know whether to yell back or turn around and leave. Luckily, he stayed, and helped try to scoop up the billions of peanuts, which of course left gazillions of remnants behind on the carpet. At that point they were small enough to be vacuumed up normally. So, I turned on the Goblin, and began vacuuming. I soon began thinking, “Well this damn thing is just as hard to push as that effing Bissell.” That’s when I looked down and noticed that the roller was not spinning. Oh, mother f*ck! Are you kidding me?!!
I screamed for Eric, and at this point, I do admit that I was about to step from crazy into maniacal. He got out his screwdriver, and took the damn thing apart, and guess what? The f*cking belt was broken after only my second use.

What did I do? I popped open a bottle of wine and sat down to watch Grey’s Anatomy, while Eric boxed up the Hoover so we can ship it back to Amazon. Do I care that we still have popcorn peanuts on our floor? No.

Why don’t I care? Because I’m getting a f*cking Dyson.

11 comments:

ian said...

You tell 'em, Neila. They messin' with the wrong woman now.

Ian

Sadie said...

That's the way, girl. I hear Dysons are the sh*t.

We got a few rugs recently and our Roomba is not enjoying them. So I guess I was wrong when I said Roombas work on carpet. The poor thing gets stuck. :(

Desert Songbird said...

Why is no one listening to my cries! Try an Oreck! Trust me on this one!

Okay, shouting mode off.

Seriously, try an Oreck. It is so powerful, it could suck the carpet off the floor.

SQT said...

That's right! You get that Dyson. And tell me how it works, I really want one.

Christie said...

hahaha! funny story! i wish i didn't have to go through a million vaccuums for my husband to agree to get the dyson. what a waste of money!!

Morgen said...

moral of the story: get the one you really want in the first place (sorry, Eric)

I'm surprised you didn't have both cats and Eli in the fray of peanutville -- Daphne & Chloe love those suckers.
Now I know what to get Eli for his birthday -- a big box of Styrofoam peanuts!!!!
hmmm -- Firefox's spell-checker in comments mode made me capitalize Styrofoam! Guess it's a brand name? Who knew?

crazymumma said...

oh neila honey....how freakin horrible (and funny). You go get yourself that dyson girl....

Penny said...

Things like this could be avoided entirely if our husbands would just do the right thing at the beginning. Which is just buy us the damn one we want because we're the ones who have to use it! Go get that Dyson!

Julie said...

WOO HOO!! DYSON! DYSON! DYSON! Mission Accomplished.

Sparky Duck said...

a dyson and drunk, word!

Sunrunner said...

Please please please please let Ian and I know how you like the Dyson!!!! I've been trying to hint that we should get one! Either that or an Oreck (but I think I need to win the lottery before I can afford an Oreck).