13 Funny Things My 5-Year-Old Said

Okay, Eli has been cracking me up lately, and I started writing down some of the things that came out of his mouth this last week.

1. I was on the phone with a friend and she said, “I need to call you back. There’s a problem with the baby.” I said, “Oh crap. Oh yeah, call me back whenever.” After I hung up, Eli informed me, “Mama, I don’t think ‘Oh crap’ and ‘oh yeah’ go together.”

2. Eli informed me the other day when we were making brownies that he wanted to be a chef when he grows up. He said, “I’m going to be so good that I won’t even need a rat on my head.” (We recently saw Ratatouille.)

3. When we walked into Gymboree, there were two little boys there named Jonathan. Eli exclaimed, “Which one is the REAL Jonathan?”

4. Eli and Georgia were jumping on my bed, and I repeatedly told them to stop. Eli turned to me with the sweetest look on his face and said, “But mama! Georgia and I love you so much, and we’ll love you forever and ever.” Oh, he’s good! I just said, “Well honey, I will love you and Georgia forever and ever too. But you’re still not jumping on my bed.”

5. I recently put tanning cream on, and I actually thought I looked pretty good. Until Eli said, “Mommy, why are your legs orange?”

6. I was trying to get him to eat a banana and he informed me, “Mama, I TOLD you! Bananas give me meltdowns!”

7. Eli really wanted to play with Georgia who was napping, and he was getting impatient. So he stood right outside of her room and yelled, “WHEN DO YOU THINK GEORGIA WILL WAKE UP?” Two seconds later, she started crying. Eli happily said, “Oh, I think she’s awake. I’ll go get her!”

8. You may have heard me mention our crazy alcoholic neighbor next door, Jean. Eric and I often joke about that fact, because she’s out on her deck a lot drinking, and sometimes you’ll see her out front with no pants. I should learn to keep my flippant comments to myself because we were in the backyard yesterday, and Jean was outside. Eli said, “There’s Jean having a highball!”

9. The people behind us have a dog who just had puppies last month. We were in the backyard and you could hear all the high-pitched yips of the puppies. Eli asked me, “Do they have monkeys over there?”

10. About the puppies next door – “Those must be the mommy puppy’s cubs.”

11. Eli has a hoodie sweatshirt that he likes to wear a lot when it is chilly. I always tell him he looks like a “hottie in a hoodie.” We were in the grocery store the other day when we saw an Indian woman with a turban. Eli proclaimed, “Look, mama! She’s a hottie in a hoodie!”

12. A Passion Party customer came to my house the other day to pick up her order. She happens to be a woman with a very high-pitched voice. After she left (thank God), Eli asked me, “Mama, why does her voice sound like a baby?”

13. Eli told me today that he could count to banana. He proceeded to count to 10 and then yelled, “BANANA!”