Manic Monday - Key

When I saw this week’s Manic Monday word was Key, I immediately thought of those key parties they supposedly had in the 70’s. Did those things really exist or is that just an urban myth?

Anyway, that thought didn’t last for very long because on Friday night my daughter woke up at midnight, and an interesting story ensued.

We like to have Georgia’s door open at night so we can hear her if she needs us. Before we went to bed around midnight, Eric went to open her door. Either she wasn’t asleep, or an open door was the shot of adrenaline a toddler needed to bolt upright in bed. “Daddy!” she screamed. Then she jumped out of bed and ran out of her bedroom to find me before Eric could catch her.

She quickly climbed into bed and began jabbering like she had just been on an adventure. She kept repeating the phrases, “Yo ho ho! I a pirate!” and “The blue key opens treasure chest! Treasure chest, mama! The blue key!” Over and over again. “Treasure chest, mama! The blue key!”

After about 30 minutes of this (Yes, we listened for awhile. She was quite entertaining.), we put her back to bed. I was wondering if she had some sort of manic dream, or if she was vividly remembering something she had seen on TV.

Flash forward to this afternoon. I put in Georgia’s Dora Saves The Mermaids DVD so I could get some work done on the computer. I have gotten to the point where I honestly block out most children’s television, but my head popped up when I heard the phrase “blue key.” Oh yes, a pirate parrot, nonetheless was proclaiming that you needed the blue key to open the treasure chest!

I quickly realized that on Friday night, Georgia wasn’t relating a dream, she was reciting Dora Saves The Mermaids! Mystery solved!

And so comes the knowledge that I should start paying more attention to what my children watch on television. Especially when I walked into the family room today and Eli was playing Legos on the floor while Eric watched Superbad.

Dude!

Milk It!

For the last three days, I have been enjoying the best Christmas present EVER! Are you ready?

No, that’s not your local Starbucks - that is my kitchen!! Oh yeah, baby! Eric got me an espresso machine AND three huge bottles of Ghirardelli syrup in dark chocolate, white chocolate and caramel. I am in heaven.

Eric is thrilled because I haven’t been to Starbucks once this week. The problem is that I have had so much coffee at home, I don’t think I have slept in three days. Loving that caffeine high!

I think I can now make a perfect white chocolate mocha. (The baristas at Starbucks can eat their hearts out!) Eli is also enjoying the new machine because I have been making him the caramel steamers that he loves so much at Starbucks. I’m still perfecting those. Apparently, I get them “way too hot, mama!”

Just to give you an idea how much pleasure I am getting, on Tuesday, “we” went through an entire gallon of milk. On Wednesday, I bought another gallon, and by Thursday night, it was almost gone again. I really need to cut down. I’m sure that will happen once the novelty wears off, right? In the meantime, I’m going to switch from 2 percent to Skim. Justification is the key.

13 Other Uses For A Cock Cozy

I posted the other day how my husband received a “warmer” as a Christmas gift from my dad. My readers told me it was called a cock cozy. Well, my son has asked so many times what it is, we had to come up with some other answers. I was having brain freeze, but I brainstormed with Morgen from It's A Blog Eat Blog World, and he is an expert on alternate uses for a cock cozy. Imagine that!

1. Dildo dust cover

2. Cell phone holster

3. House elf hat

4. Water bottle sock

5. Lube bottle hider

6. Stocking for a one-legged cat

7. Zucchini cover

8. Parsnip protector

9. Carrot carrier

10. Vase for plastic canvas flowers from Blind Aunt Millie

11. Fireplace match holder

12. Bathroom air freshener cozy

13. Mitten for fingerless Uncle Phil

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all my wonderful friends!

From my family to yours,

I hope all of you find joy and happiness in every moment of your holiday season!!

And a Happy New Year!!

Manic Monday - Joy

This week’s Manic Monday word is Joy! Be sure to visit the Manic Monday HQ, It’s A Blog Eat Blog World.

We just returned home after spending several days with both my family and Eric’s family. The holidays are always a stressful time, but I am constantly reminded how much joy they bring us as well. Here are just a few things that have given me joy over the last few days.

* I shop early and online. I had my Christmas shopping done a couple of weeks ago, thank God! When we passed the mall on our way home this evening, there was a line of cars from the highway going into the mall. I am so joyous I don’t have to go there!

* My son’s photography! Since Eli is developing a special talent with photography, Eric’s parents got him a digital camera of his own, as you can see below. He is loving it! Since yesterday, he has taken about 150 pictures, including several crotch shots of me. He needs to learn how to aim up. I will post some of his photos later in the week. I love all of the joy he is getting out of his camera.

* My family’s sense of humor. My dad, who is a big jokester, gave Eric a . . . . well, we’re calling it a “warmer” for Christmas. It even has a bell on the end. If you don’t think you know what it’s for, I’ll bet you do. Just think dirty.

* I love that I have a dad who is hilarious enough that he would give this to my husband as a gift. And I love that I have a husband who not only appreciates it, but happily shows it off to his family of shocked faces. Now if I can only get him to try it on long enough to take a picture . . .

* I love that my daughter gets so much joy out of her new winter coat because she thinks it makes her look like a princess.

* I get so much joy out of our Christmas eve tradition of making cookies for Santa. This year, it’s chewy chocolate ginger cookies. I can’t wait!!

* And lastly, I get so much joy out of all my friends, especially those friends I have made while blogging!

I hope you all have a very joyous Christmas, and find God’s grace in all the things in your life! Merry Christmas!

Topless Martha

I'm sorry for my meager postings this week. I'm currently out of town celebrating Christmas with the famn damily. In the meantime, I hope you'll enjoy Martha Stewart's Topless Christmas!

13 Hilarious Quotes from The Ref

As I’ve mentioned previously, The Ref is one of my favorite holiday movies! If you like a good, dark-humored, snarky movie, you will love this one! It is hilarious! Here’s a brief synopsis:

Denis Leary plays Gus, a cat burglar, who takes an irritating Connecticut couple, Lloyd and Caroline (Kevin Spacey, Judy Davis), hostage. He soon finds that he took more than he bargained for when the couple's family steps into the picture. Before long they're driving him nuts with their petty bickering and family problems.

Here are 13 great quotes!

1. Caroline: How can we both be in the marriage and I'm miserable and you're content?

Lloyd: Luck?

2. Lloyd: You think my life turned out the way I wanted because I live in this house? You think every morning I wake up, look in the mirror and say "Gee I'm glad I'm me and not some 19-year-old billionaire rockstar with the body of an athelete and a 24-hour erection!" No I don't! So just excuse the shit out of me!

3. Gus: Do you know what this family needs? A mute!

4. Lloyd: You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it.

5. Gus: What is the matter with you? I thought Mothers were sweet and nice a-a-and Patient. I know loan sharks who are more forgiving than you. Your husband ain't dead, lady. He's hiding.

6. Gus: Connecticut is the fifth ring of hell.

7. Lloyd: Caroline, the day you see anything through to the end, I'll stick my own dick in my ear.

8. Lloyd: I suppose you'll use this drama as a reason to have another affair. I feel sorry for the next delivery man that comes to this house!

9. Lloyd: What's your name? Gus: Fuck you, that's my name.

10. Lloyd: [to the therapist referring to their son] In the ninth grade we said he could get a part time job. Are you ready for what he did? He started an escort service for the football team, and he gave out my mother's phone number!

Caroline: And I still say getting laid by an 18-year-old linebacker is just what she needs!

11. George: Yeah? Well, maybe Santa won't come back next year. Maybe he and the Easter Bunny will take a fuckin' cruise to Jamaica and you can eat your own lousy cookies!

12. Boy: Santa doesn't drink champagne. Santa only drinks milk.

George: [quietly] Listen. Santa can't drink no more milk. Santa has a lactose intolerance, and it gives him horrible gas pains. Do you want to see Santa farting down everybody's chimney?

13. Lloyd: So, do you think we should go untie everybody?

Caroline: No. I think we should unwrap them in the morning. It'll be more festive.

Wordless Wednesday - Eli the Photographer

My 5-year-old son, Eli, took this picture!!! He is becoming quite the photographer!!

Schweaty Balls

Saturday Night Live has been rerunning their Christmas skits recently. I have forgotten how freaking hilarious some of these are. Here is one of my favorites. It's not Christmas without some schweaty balls!

Guide To A Healthy Home

Recently, the kind folks at momcentral.com sent me the “What to Expect: Guide To A Healthy Home.” It’s awesome! It’s by the same group of people who does What To Expect When You’re Expecting and What To Expect The Toddler Years (two of my favorite resources). The best thing about this new guide is that you can download it absolutely FREE if you Click Here!

Guide To A Healthy Home is a great way to get some much-needed help during the height of the cold and flu season! Especially as we are in the midst of the holiday season, we are inviting more people than usual into our homes, and hugging, kissing, and shaking hands with a huge number of people. Great, unless someone has a cold or fever brewing!

The Guide takes a look at each room in the house – bedroom, bathroom, playroom and kitchen – and details many comprehensive tips you can follow to keep your house healthy. Not only that, but The Guide also explains the necessary steps you can take to make sure your food is safe, right down to breast milk and formula!

I don’t know about you, but I am concerned about what happens when I leave the house and come into contact with others who may not be as health-conscious as I am. Yes, call me a germiphobe! I mean it’s easy enough to keep my house clean, but what happens when we venture outside? I remember that when my son was a baby, I barely took him out of the house for the first six weeks of his life.

Guide To A Healthy Home addresses those concerns, as well, with tips on how to deal with public restrooms, playgrounds, the family car (who knew?), and child care centers. It also addresses how important it is to pass along that “clean gene” to your child and teach them the importance of how to keep those nasty germs at bay.

This Guide is helpful for everyone, but especially for us moms! I recommend you go to their site and download it absolutely free! If you don’t want to go to the trouble of printing it out, you can go to the What To Expect Web site, and they will mail you a copy of “What to Expect: Guide To A Healthy Home” absolutely free!

Manic Monday - Carol

This week’s Manic Monday word is Carol. Am I twisted that the first thing I thought of was Carol Brady. I mean come on, for us children of the 70’s, she has to be the most famous Carol, right?

Being in a festive spirit, this immediately got me thinking about A Very Brady Christmas. Oh yeah, kids! I’m sure you all lovingly remember this 1988 TV movie that reunited all of the original cast except for Susan Olsen (Cindy Brady). Supposedly, she was on her honeymoon in Jamaica during the filming of the movie, but I have heard many other rumors.



In the movie, Mike and Carol Brady (who look like they’ve been to one to many Passion Parties the way they’re playing grab-ass through the whole movie) try to reunite the entire family for Christmas. Since it wouldn’t be The Brady Bunch without everyone having a zillion personal problems of their own, it’s easy to imagine that chaos ensues. Here is a rundown:

Marcia: Marcia's husband just lost his job, and doesn't want to go to her family's on Christmas out of sheer embarrassment. They have two kids. They finally agree to come, but under the rule that nobody mentions hubby’s career troubles.

Greg: Greg’s now a doctor and married to the nurse who works under him (wink). She doesn’t want to attend the Brady’s Christmas Love Fest because she wants to go to her family’s instead. So, Greg comes home by himself, bringing one of his two children.

Jan: In the middle of a nasty split with her husband, Jan is so fearful of spoiling her family's happy holiday that she actually asks her estranged husband to pretend everything's fine and join them for Christmas. He agrees, because who wouldn't want to spend the biggest day of the year with their ex-wife's gigantic nosy family in another state.

Peter: Peter doesn't want his girlfriend to join him at Christmas because his family will find out that she's his boss. Peter takes great shame in making less money than his woman (the male chauvinist pig). He agrees to take her along, but makes her promise to keep their positions a secret.

Bobby: He's a bit apprehensive about coming home, since he's been keeping a dark secret from the family: he dropped out of business school to pursue a career as a race-car driver. Bobby agrees to come, but isn't planning on spreading the truth about his current career path.

Cindy (played by Jennifer Runyon): Cindy doesn't want to come because she doesn't want her family to find out that she's not really Cindy, and rather an obsessive stalker who killed the real Cindy and took her place. Okay, I’m kidding. Actually, she doesn't want to come because she already planned a ski trip with her graduating college class, and she is pissed feeling that she was 'told' to go, not 'asked.'

Alice: We can't forget Alice! She pays a surprise visit to Carol and Mike after Sam the Butcher leaves her a Dear John note, detailing his affair with a younger woman! (the two-timing bastard.)

In addition to all of this, Mike spoils everyone’s plans by getting trapped in one of his buildings on Christmas Eve. Luckily, it’s The Brady Bunch, so he gets out because Carol and the rest of the family band together and . . . wait for it . . . sing 'O Come All Ye Faithful'. Yes, seriously.

If you haven’t had the pleasure of enjoying A Very Brady Christmas, I highly recommend it. If you’re a Brady fan, it’s a must-see. If you’re not, well, there are so many people making out in the movie, it’s almost like watching Skinemax at 2 a.m.

Now for reasons not related to the rest of my post at all, please enjoy this brief Christmas Carol, as sung by Tarzan, Tonto and Frankenstein:

I'm Addicted . . .

to JibJab! And my kids are loving it, too. Here's the snowball fight video I did with Eric and I, the kids, and my mom.

Non-Crappy Holiday eCards on JibJab

It's a Wonderful Life - Morgen Style!

This is seriously the funniest damn thing I have ever seen. Morgen posted this on It's A Blog Eat Blog World yesterday, and it is so awesome I asked to steal it and post it here as well. You have to watch it if you haven't seen it yet. Freaking hysterical!

Don't send a lame Holiday eCard. Try JibJab Sendables!

Recipe Friday

I was going to write a blog about Eli’s Christmas program today at school, but after a day of Georgia screaming, I just don’t think I have the energy. Seriously, there may have been about 30 minutes this morning when her head wasn’t spinning around. That’s about it.

I did manage to get Eli’s Christmas program on video, so hopefully I will get that uploaded to YouTube soon. There’s nothing cuter than a bunch of 3-5 year-olds singing Jingle Jingle Little Bells.

Right now, I wanted to post my Sweet and Spicy Party Mix recipe. I make it every year for Christmas. It is awesome. It’s an old recipe, and I kept tweaking until I finally got the right sweet/salty/spicy combination. This rocks! I only make it at Christmas time because I can literally eat all of it in one sitting.

Sweet and Spicy Party Mix

6 cups Kix cereal
6 cups Honey Nut Cheerios (this gives it the sweet flavor!)
6 cups Corn Chex
4 cups pretzel sticks
2 cans mixed nuts
1 ½ cups vegetable oil
2 Tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
4 teaspoons Tobasco sauce

In a large roasting pan, combine cereals, nuts and pretzels. In separate bowl, mix vegetable oil, Worcestershire sauce and Tobasco. Pour over cereal mixture, and stir cereal until it is well coated.

Bake at 200 for about 1 hour, stirring every 10 minutes. Store in air tight container.

Enjoy!!

13 Interesting Facts About It’s A Wonderful Life

If you all tuned into The Mo Show Wednesday, you heard Morgen express his complete and utter dislike for It's A Wonderful Life. This holiday classic happens to be one of my absolute favorite films! I thought I would do a special Thursday Thirteen, dedicated to you Morgen, for this beautiful film!

1. Originally ended with “Ode to Joy”, not “Auld Lang Syne”.

2. The Bells of St. Mary’s is showing at the movie theatre as George runs down the street in Bedford Falls near the end of the film. Henry Travers, who plays Clarence the Angel, starred in that film as Horace P. Bogardus.

3. For the scene that required Donna Reed to throw a rock into the window of the Granville House, Frank Capra hired a marksman to shoot it out for her on cue. To everyone’s amazement, Donna Reed broke the window with true aim and heft without assistance of the hired marksman.

4. James Stewart was nervous about the phone scene kiss because it was his first screen kiss since his return to Hollywood after the war. Under Frank Capra’s watchful eye, Stewart filmed the scene in only one unrehearsed take, and it worked so well that part of the embrace was cut because it was too passionate to pass the censors.

5. The movie drew fierce criticism for its political statements about post-WWII society when it was released in 1946. Even the FBI labeled it a “subversive” movie and charged that its use of a nasty, Scrooge-like businessman “was a common trick used by communists.”

6. The gym floor that opens up to reveal a swimming pool was real and was located at Beverly Hills High School in Los Angeles.

7. This was the first and last time that Frank Capra produced, financed, directed and co-wrote one of his films.

8. At $3.7 million, this was a very expensive independent production. In its initial box office run, it only earned $3.3 million.

9. James Stewart cited George Bailey as being his favorite character. The part was originally developed at another studio with Cary Grant earmarked for the role. When Frank Capra inherited the project, he rewrote it to suit Stewart.

10. After the war, Frank Capra set up Liberty Films with George Stevens and William Wyler to make more serious, soul-searching films. This was Liberty’s only production.

11. The instant that George says “God” on the bridge, it starts snowing, showing that he is back in the real world.

12. The scene on the bridge where Clarence saves George was filmed on a back lot on a day where the temperature was 90 degrees Fahrenheit. This is why James Stewart is visibly sweating in a few scenes.

13. The set for Bedford Falls was constructed in two months and was one of the longest sets that had ever been made for an American movie. It covered four acres of the RKO’s Encino Ranch. It included 75 stores and buildings, main street, factory district and a large residential and slum area. The Main Street was 300 yards long, three whole city blocks!

Wordless Wednesday - Open Wide

I'm Crashing The Mo Show!

Hey all! I am honored to be co-hosting with Mo Wednesday night on The Mo Show!! Woo hoo!! Mo and I will be chatting about Holiday Specials, and he has already told me that he doesn't like "that Jimmy Stewart movie." Ohhhhhhh, I can see I have some issues I'm going to need to deal with!

I hope you will all join us on Blog Talk Radio on Wednesday night at 7 p.m. EST, or 6 p.m. my time CST. I am looking forward to it!!

Brrrr!

It’s never a joy when my daughter wakes up in the middle of the night. But when she’s screaming at the top of her lungs, it’s even worse. This was the case last night at about 4 a.m. She erupted screaming, and scared the crap out of me. I jumped up to run to her room and noticed that it was freezing ass cold. Since it was about 20 degrees outside, I didn’t think much of it.

When I opened the door to Georgia’s room, she was standing in the middle of her room screaming. I scooped her up and noticed she was shivering. I took her back to bed with me and cuddled her in between Eric and I, and she fell back asleep. Nowhere in this situation did it occur to me as strange that the house was so effing cold! Maybe it was because I was sleepy and just wasn’t thinking. I’m not sure.

When the alarm went off at 6:30, I got up to go to the bathroom and just about froze my fun parts off. I hurried back in bedroom and nudged Eric. “I don’t think the heat is working.”

Eric: “MmmmHmmmm.”
Me. “Hey! I don’t think the heat is working!”
Eric: “What?”
Me: “THE HEAT’S NOT WORKING!”
Eric: “Of course the heat is working. I didn’t turn it off.”

*Sigh* I didn’t say the heat was off, I said it wasn’t working. Finally, I got Eric out of bed and he ran to the thermostat. Sure enough . . .

Eric: “Uh-oh.”

That’s never a good sign! Apparently, the thermostat was completely blank. After a few minutes of me panicking, Eric finally realized that the thermostat just needed new batteries. He took it off the wall and saw that it took three AA batteries.

He went to the battery drawer. There were no AA batteries. I yelled, “Go to my Passion Party bag and pick a vibrator! There are AA batteries in those!”

A couple of minutes later, I heard the glorious sound of the heat clicking on. Eric came back into the bedroom and said, “I pulled out the biggest vibrator I could find, and it had three AA’s in it.” Well, praise the lord for Passion Parties!

What concerns me more is that we have an ice storm coming tonight. If we were that bad for one night without heat, we are going to be soooo screwed if we lose power!

Manic Monday - Ornament

This week’s Manic Monday word is ornament. This is actually an issue that has been causing me a lot of problems this year.

Eli is really into the tree decorating this year, and really wanted to make cookie ornaments that you see in magazines like Martha Stewart Living. Dude! I am sooooo not Martha Stewart. I tried to do the cookie ornaments one year, and they did not turn out. First, I discovered that you have to be good at decorating cookies. Second, I found that it takes a lot of patience. I was pretty much screwed on both fronts.

I make some kick-ass frosting, but my decorating skills consist of adding green food coloring and slapping it on a tree-shaped cookie. If I’m feeling really ambitious, I may dot the cookie with some red hots.

When you make cookie ornaments, it requires a little more skill. Even following the detailed instructions, my cookies were big globs. They looked like a snowman through up on them. After they were done, I realized that you were supposed to put the holes in the tops of the cookies before baking. Well, double crap. Just for the record, it is really difficult to try to poke holes in the cookies after baking without the cookies breaking.

After that experience, I decided the cookie ornaments were out. Eli’s second choice was to decorate the tree with candy canes. That sounded easy and economical – right up my alley! We went out and loaded up on candy canes and put them all on the tree when Georgia was napping. When she woke up, she thought she was in a Candyland paradise. She kept taking all of the candy canes off the tree and eating them. I have never seen a child unwrap a candy cane so fast. She even took some candy canes and hid them around the house so she could have them later. She must have been a dog in a previous life.

Once we decided that candy canes weren’t going to work, we just went with regular ornaments. Unfortunately, those attract Georgia, too. So our tree now has our beautiful ornaments clustered together near the upper portion of the tree. The bottom two-thirds of the tree simply has the lights. Fa la la la la.

As if that weren’t enough, my two best friends, Stacey and Andrea, decided we should just exchange ornaments this year instead of gifts since we are all strapped for cash. That sounded like a great idea in theory until I was standing in Target for 30 minutes trying to choose ornaments that represented my friends in some way. The children were getting very riled up, and Eric was yelling at me to “just pick two!!” I finally did, and I thought they were cool.

Stacey and Andrea and I got together the other night. When I opened Andrea’s gift, I thought, “oh crap.” It wasn’t a $5 ornament from Target. It was a homemade ornament with a college picture of the three of us in the middle that said “17 years of friendship.” I absolutely love it, but this made me realize that I have a lot to shoot for next year!

My Favorite Christmas Song

Happy White Trash Christmas, Y'all!!

Boom!

Just when I was flying high with my Christmas spirit, the humbug had to creep back in. Yesterday, after I took Eli to preschool, Georgia and I went to Gymboree so she could burn off some energy. I should have known things weren’t going to go well, when Georgia tried to climb on the roof of a bridge at Gymboree. When I got her down and tried to explain you’re not supposed to climb up there, I got screaming, complete with, “NO, I DON’T LIKE IT! NO! GO AWAY!” I should have picked up my lovely screaming child and left right then. But no.

I stayed there and chased my daughter around as usual. Unfortunately at Gymboree, you often have to step over and around the large apparatuses to get to your child. As I was stepping over this big cushiony block-like thing to get to Georgia, I stepped wrong on my ankle. I heard a very loud unnatural “POP!” and I went down. Thank God the place is covered in foam mats. Still, it hurt like a mo fo!

As I was trying hard not to cry (yes, I’m a girl), I was also trying to hide my embarrassment. I mean come on, no matter how serious the fall, the first thing you do is look around to see how many people saw you. Three other parents were running toward me, “OH MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?”

So, I immediately popped up on my good leg and said, “I’m FIIIINE! Happens all the time. Ha ha ha ha ha!” Bullshit. I could already feel it swelling up. But not only did I pretend to be fine, I finished the class, complete with doing the Gymbo dance with my daughter. Yeah, I must have been on crack. I think that only made it worse.

Before I went home, I hobbled into Target to get an ace bandage, and to ask the pharmacist if I should do ice or heat. (She said ice for 24 hours, then heat.) Now, while we were in Target, I put Georgia in the cart. Unfortunately, she refuses to sit in the front part of the cart, and likes to hang out in the back section – the “body” of the cart.

When I went to check out with my ace bandage, the cashier had the nerve to say, “We here at Target get very concerned when we see children riding in the body of the cart.” I glared at her and said, “Lady, are you f*cking kidding me? I have had a really bad morning. Are you calling me a bad mother?” I think she was a bit taken aback by my strong reaction, but dude! I was so not in the mood for that!

I then went home, iced my ankle, popped some Lortab and listened to The Mo Show. Needless to say, I am done with my Christmas shopping.

13 Reasons I Wish I Were A Spice Girl

1. I love to sing the Zig-ah Zig-ah song!

2. I heard that David Beckham bought all five of them $100,000 diamond bracelets for the opening night of the Spice Girls tour.

3. Who wouldn’t want to be best friends with Scary Spice?

4. I could watch Spice World without trying to hide it.

5. I would learn some kick-ass dance moves.

6. I could get paid a ridiculous amount of money to dress like this.

7. They’re mega-rich.

8. Instead of “stay-at-home mom,” I could describe myself as a “kitschy cool pop idol.”

9. I could have my own “May-jah” catch word!

10. They’re all super skinny. (Seriously, Victoria Beckham could make an anorexic woman look like a heffer.)

11. A brand new Cavalli wardrobe that I wouldn’t have to pay for.

12. I would have occasion to see David Beckham’s rocking hot body on a regular basis.

13. I could come up with a fun nickname, like Mommy Spice . . . or Gravy Spice!

Wordless Wednesday - My Hubby Chopping Onions

The Special Hug

I thought I still had some time before the whole “where do babies come from” talk. I guess not. We had our first go around with Eli the other day, and the bad thing is that I’m the one that led us into the conversation without even realizing it. I’m still kicking myself.

Eli and I were having a discussion. He was upset because I wouldn’t let him have this toy gun that he wanted. I explained that he wasn’t allowed to play with guns – even pretend ones – as long as he lived with mommy and daddy. This is how the conversation went from there:

Eli: Well, can I have a gun when I’m grown up?
Me: If you choose to have a gun when you are grown up, then I guess you can get one?
Eli: Can I still live with you and daddy?
Me: When you're grown up, I doubt you’ll still want to live with mommy and daddy.
Eli: Yes, I will!! I would miss you if I didn’t live with you!
Me: I would miss you, too, sweetie, but aren’t you going to get married when you grow up?
Eli: Married?
Me: Yes. If you get married, is your wife going to live with us, too?
Eli: Well, I DO want to get married so I can have wedding cake, but my wife can’t live with us because Georgia doesn’t like strangers. My wife will just have to live someplace else.
Me: Okay. What if you have kids? Where are your kids going to live?
Eli: Kids? Well, I won’t have kids. Only women can have babies in their tummies, right? I can’t have a baby in my tummy.
Me: Well, it’s a little more complicated than that.
Eli: How does the baby get in there, anyway?
Me: Well, the daddy puts the baby in the mommy’s tummy.
Eli: Really? So daddy put me in your tummy?
Me: Yes, he did.
Eli: How did he get your tummy open to put me in there?
Me: ERIC! Come here! Eli has a question for you!

Then Eric came in and I said, “Eli wants to know how you got my tummy open to put a baby in there.” Oh, I certainly wish I had a camera to capture the look on Eric’s face at that moment.

His response was something like, “Well, hmmm, gee, there’s ummm, well . . . . there’s a special hug that mommies and daddies do.” That’s when I chimed in, “When they’re married and love each other very much.” Eric continued, “When they have this special hug, the daddy plants a seed in the mommy’s tummy and it grows into a baby.”

Eli: Really? So that’s how we got Georgia?
Me: Yes, that’s how we got Georgia.
Eli: Okay.

And off he went. As soon as he left the room, I saw the twinkle in Eric’s eye, and I knew exactly what was coming. “So,” he said. “You want a special hug?”

My husband is so predictable!

Manic Monday Ship

This week’s Manic Monday word is Ship. When I told my husband this week’s theme, he immediately started reminiscing about a cruise we took in ’99. “Don’t you think it’s time we went on another cruise,” he asked, while looking outside where it is 30 degrees and windy, “to a beach . . .”

Okay, that actually does sound very appealing. But the idea of taking Georgia on a cruise? I’ll bet she could scream loud enough that the whole ship could hear her. Hmmm . . . maybe we’ll shelve that vacation idea for a couple more years.

I’ve actually been thinking about when my Christmas orders are going to ship. As I mentioned last week, I have ordered so many of my Christmas presents online. I was so proud of myself this year. I actually placed all of my orders before December so they would be here in plenty of time.

Today, I got an email on one of my orders. One of the items I got for Eric is on backorder. My response was a muttered #*@$! All it said was that my item would ship as soon as possible. Dude! This means I’m going to have to actually go to a store. This sucks. Maybe I can get my husband to accept sexual favors for Christmas instead.

Oh, speaking of sex, be sure and come back tomorrow because I'm going to write about the conversation I had with my 5-year-old son this weekend when he asked where babies came from. I would have posted that today, but I couldn't figure out how to work the word "ship" in there.

But along the lines of sexual favors and making babies, don’t forget to order your Passion Party essentials for the holidays. Passion Party items make great Christmas gifts. You have to check out my Holiday Specials. Right now, I’m offering the Pure Passion Duo - Pure Instinct Sexual Attractant Cologne absolutely free to anyone who orders Pure Satisfaction Unisex Enhancement Gel – that’s a $21 value! We also now have a stripper’s pole – My Sexy Little Pole, along with some other great specials. Be sure to order early, so I have plenty of time to ship your sensual items for the holidays. Ho Ho Ho!