13 Reasons I Can't Sleep

I usually don’t have a problem getting to sleep, but in my house, it is impossible to stay asleep! Here are a few reasons why!

1. The cats. I always have a glass of water on my bed at night. Not only do the cats try do drink it, but they usually climb on my head and step on my hair to get to it. On those special occasions, they even knock the glass over and break it.

2. The birds. There is an insomniac bird that lives outside my window. I’m all for animal rights and anti-violence, but at 4 a.m. I wish I had a BB gun.

3. Lady of the night. The lady who lives next door to me leaves at all hours of the night, and she always slams her damn car door. I think she’s a whore. And I really need to quit sleeping with my windows open.

4. Eli. The boy NEVER wants to go to sleep. At midnight last night, I was tempted to bolt his door shut so he would stay in his room.

5. Georgia. Lately around 2 a.m., Georgia wakes up in a screaming terror. She needs to come in bed with us until she calms down. Unfortunately by the time I get her back to sleep, I am wide awake.

6. The Cats. Again. The little f*ckers like to play king of the hill on the bed in the middle of the night. Besides the WWE Smackdown taking place at the foot of the bed, Coconut has this meowing “howl” that he does when he gets pissed. It’s LOUD!

7. Road construction. The two houses across the street from us have gotten new driveways in the last week. Those damn construction guys start EARLY! Do you have ANY idea how loud it is to break up an old driveway? I DO!!

8. Weather radio. Eric has one of these damn things. If there is the slightest hint of rain within a 500-radius, the f*cking thing starts its shrill alarm. It’s usually at night, and it’s usually often! And it doesn’t have a f*cking volume control!

9. Nightmares. Last night, I fell asleep while checking my email and then dreamt that there was a baby crying outside my door and there was a serial killer on the loose. Dude! Sidenote: Don’t send me forwards!

10. I forget to turn the TV off. Sometimes I forget to turn the sleep timer on. It’s REALLY annoying to wake up at 3:30 a.m. to Married With Children reruns.

11. Telephone. My friend Andrea seems to think I’m a vampire. Quit calling me at midnight! Although sadly because of number 4, I’m usually up.

12. Snoring. Not mine, my husband’s. He snores like a bull moose and blames it on his allergies. I think he’s working with the children and the cats on trying to drive me insane.

13. Temperature. I’m usually freezing when I go to bed, and I wake up sweating by 2 a.m. It’s ridiculous. That's usually why I get up, open the window, and hear the hooker next door. I can’t win.

Wordless Wednesday

Minty Fresh Bathroom

Eli is currently addicted to brushing his teeth. I should not be complaining about this issue. This is a good thing. After the whole tooth-pulling situation, and our numerous visits to the dentist, Eli seemed pleased with his new fun toothbrushes and fun toothpastes they gave him – SpongeBob bubblegum flavored toothpaste.

Let me tell you, I grabbed that one night to brush my teeth without thinking. Dude! Bubble gum toothpaste just does not taste good when you’re an adult! Yuck!

I used to have to force Eli to brush his teeth because it was something he hated to do. Now, every time he visits the bathroom to pee, he stops to brush his teeth. The only problem is that he doesn’t understand that we only use A LITTLE BIT of toothpaste and that we SPIT IT OUT!! I can’t seem to drill those two things through his head.

Last week, I think he went through an entire tube of SpongeBob toothpaste! I think he uses his two little fists to try to squeeze it on his toothbrush, and he gets it all over the bathroom in the process.

I just bought a new tube on Saturday. Today, when I went in the bathroom, the tube was squeezed in half, and there was toothpaste on the counter, the mirror and the floor. It looked like the child had attempted to paint with it.

“Eli!” I shouted. He came running, and I pointed out AGAIN how he could brush his teeth as much as he wanted but that he needed to use small amounts. He pretended not to know what I was talking about and tried to blame the mess on Georgia. *sigh* Then I told him that if he continued to waste toothpaste I wasn’t going to buy the SpongeBob kind anymore. (That crap is expensive!)

I then proceeded to wipe up the toothpaste mess in the bathroom, and I did notice one positive effect. The smell from all the toothpaste really freshens up the bathroom. This really counterbalances the urine smell from when Eli misses the potty.

See? I can put a positive spin on anything!

Manic Monday - Heat

This week's Manic Monday word is Heat!

Now, originally I didn't want this post to be a commercial for Passion Parties, but dude! I am the Passion lady! There was only one thing in my head when I heard this topic, and that is Fireworks! I HAD to do it!!

Fireworks is an edible body lotion that heats up with friction, and it heats up more when you blow on it! Oh yeah, baby! This stuff is awesome! I call it my easy button for oral sex! You put this lotion directly on your partner, and you can literally breathe him to orgasm. It's awesome. And, it tastes great, too! It comes in 10 different flavors - my favorite is cinammon, and that's the one I demo at my parties! (It also comes in a sampler pack with all 10 flavors.)

I put a little dab on everyone's arm at parties and say, "Okay ladies, we are going to rub, blow and lick! Rub, blow, lick!" Then I have fun watching everyone make out with their arms. Tee hee! Everyone is always impressed with how hot it gets!

I do want to make sure that everyone knows this is not a lube. It is an edible body lotion! It's great for oral sex for both partners, but since it heats up with friction, it's not a good idea to use it in conjunction with sexual intercourse. Ouch!

Of course, Fireworks is available on my Website for only $13 (in a great new non-spill container) or in a sampler pack with all flavors for $14!

While you are on my Web site, be sure to check out my great summer specials! I have some awesome deals right now, people - like a free bullet with purchase of Pure Satisfaction, and a free lube with purchase of a Gigi! Some of these are Web only specials, so make sure you take a look!!

Manic Monday - More to come

Hey y'all! This has been an exhausting weekend, so I didn't have time to get my Manic Monday up yet! I will try to have a more extensive MM up ASAP, but in the mean time, here is a nice little picture that I think says a lot about Heat . . . for me anyway!

* Sigh * I miss my weekly Went! More on Heat later!

Welcome Andrew Robert!

You all may remember that I posted about my best friend Stacey for last week's Manic Monday. Well, she didn't make it quite to her induction date. She had her baby on Saturday, June 16, which was also her 35th birthday.

Her whole pregnancy, she really hoped she would deliver ANY date EXCEPT her birthday. So, she should have been able to guess that's when the baby would arrive!

Andrew Robert "Drew" arrived at 8:51 a.m. on Saturday morning, and weighed 7 pounds, 2 ounces, and was 19 inches long! He is adorable, and has lots of black hair. Stacey is thrilled because he seems to be sleeping a lot. She seems to forget that they don't turn the baby ON until you leave the hospital.

Drew joins his big sister Kennedy! Congrats to all!!!

Minor Tantrum Tale

Okay, this is a very minor Georgia tantrum video. This is what I would call one of the calmer reactions I get from her when I tell her "No."

In this particular instance, I was eating my usual breakfast of coffee and a Zone energy bar. I am addicted to those damn things! Well, Georgia saw me eating what looked like a candy bar and came at me like a rabid bear. "WANT IT WANT IT WANT IT WANT IT!"

The last thing she needs is an energy bar. I tried to offer her a bite, but she was not happy with that. I decided to grab the camera and capture her reaction . . .

13 Things I Love About My Husband

In honor of Father's Day, I wanted to do a special TT for the man I love more than anything in this world! This is one TT that I had a VERY difficult time narrowing down to thirteen!

1. He accepts the fact that he is married to the most neurotic woman in the world . . . and he loves me anyway. Plus, he can (almost) always calm me down. That is not an easy feat.

2. He has cried while watching Oprah, and he’s not embarrassed.

3. He sticks his tongue out when he hammers in a nail.

4. The way he looks at me.

5. Because he taught Eli how to catch fireflies.

6. Because he has the most incredible blue eyes.

7. The way he holds our daughter.

8. He likes movies with subtitles.

9. He is never afraid to try new things.

10. He loves our children more than anything and it shows because he is such an amazing father!

11. He makes up his own words to songs.

12. He can always make me laugh.

13. He’s incredible in bed . . . oh crap, I wasn’t going to put that one because my parents read this. Oh well. After two kids, I suppose they know I have sex with my husband, right?

Now, here is a song that makes me think of my husband every time I hear it.

Happy Father’s Day, honey! I love you!

Wordless Wednesday - The Letter F

Sensitivity

I am overly sensitive, and I really have to get over that. I try to email out a monthly Passion Parties newsletter. I’m busy, so it usually goes out about every two months. I add people to my email list after every party, so my mailing list has grown to almost 200 people. I mainly add people who check the box that says they want to be on my mailing list, but sometimes I get overzealous. I have had a few hostesses send out evites, so I just stick all the guests on my email list. Why the hell not, right?

Well, I tend to regret that. Especially when I send out my newsletter, which usually contains at least one picture of a sex toy. (In my defense, this month, it was only a C-ring, a tulip-shaped bullet and a bottle of lube.) Anyhoo, I’m sure it may come as a bit of a shock to someone who is not expecting my newsletter, to come in to work on Monday morning and check their email and open it up to a smiling picture of me talking about clitoral stimulators and cock rings.

So I shouldn’t be so sensitive when I get a few (four) people who send me emails that say, “Please remove me from your email list.” The prudes. The funny thing is that I can check the statistics of my newsletter, and these same people keep going back and opening my newsletter repeatedly. Hmmmm . . .

When I’m not corrupting the innocent, I have been busy experimenting with my new video camera. I have managed to take a couple of videos, and I even uploaded one to YouTube. That’s right! Georgia is on YouTube! Now, I will warn you now that it is very anti-climactic (dare I say, boring). It’s no tantrum. It is seriously two minutes of Georgia and I discussing her Dora Memory cards. And that’s only because I trimmed it down from six minutes. Next time, I’ll go for an action movie. But this is my first attempt!

Manic Monday – Friend

This week’s Manic Monday word is Friend. I hope everyone will check out the Manic Monday HQ at It's A Blog Eat Blog World! I am so proud to call Morgen my Friend! He is the best friend I have met through blogging, and he is the sweetest man is the blogosphere! I love you, Mo!

This was such a hard one for me because it was difficult to narrow down what I wanted to talk about. That reminded me of how blessed I am because I have so many friends that I love so much. I thought I could talk about my wonderful blog friends, or I could blog about my four best girlfriends, but Friday, I decided on the perfect story.

I decided to post a funny story that happened to my best friend Stacey.

If you all think funny things happen to me, I wish Stacey had time to keep a blog of her own. She’s a federal probation officer, she has a dysfunctional family, and she’s nine months pregnant. Every phone call I get from her is like a stand-up comedy routine. She’s a freaking riot!

Stacey and I have been best friends since we were 14 years old. What is that? 21 years? (!!!!) Even though I know her inside and out, she still manages to keep me on my toes. As I said, Stacey is nine months pregnant. Seriously. They are inducing her one week from today. She is having a boy, and they are naming him Andrew (Drew).

Stacey is the most structured, organized person you have ever met. And I say this lovingly. Since she works for the fed, you can imagine that she has everything in order. And yes, she is still working. I can imagine she’s scaring the hell out of those prisoners coming at them all swollen feet and hormones raging, but I digress.

Anyway, Stacey has been ready for this baby for over a month. Since she saw me give birth to Eli 6 weeks early, she learned to be prepared way in advance, so she is ready and waiting. On Friday, she was sitting in court, and decided to go ahead and compose an email in advance on her Blackberry letting everyone know that the baby had arrived. She was going to save it, and then after he was born, she could hit send right there in the hospital room immediately after he was born.

Well, you can see where this is going. Her perfectly composed email entitled “Baby Drew Has Arrived” went out when she hit Send instead of Save. I only wish I could have been there because I know that “OH F*CK!” look on her face, and it’s funny. What’s even more funny is that it went out to everyone her husband works with, including his supervisor, her entire family, her husband’s entire family. You can imagine that everyone started calling her immediately because they were completely flipping out.

By the time I checked my email, I saw her second email first, which said, “Please DISREGARD my first email that I MISTAKENLY sent out!” HA! I just called her and said, “Problems, Stacey?” To which I got, “Oh, shut the f*ck up! I was just trying to be proactive.” Then I think she called me a "Hooker." Apparently, she had already received a lecture from her husband about the limits of proactivity.

Oh, I love my friends. And I love that they’re just as neurotic as I am. I don’t know what I would do without them!

Too much Dora?

Okay, I may have mentioned how my daughter Georgia just absolutely LOVES Dora! So, tell me if this is good or bad.

We were talking to Georgia tonight about her birthday, which is in a couple of weeks. Eric asked, "Georgia, how old are you going to be?"

She looked up and screamed, "DOS!"

Oh, you have got be kidding me! Dude when Spanish is becoming her first languange, I think it might be time to cut back on the Dora!

Anniversary Present

Okay, Eric and I just bought a digital camcorder. Every year, we get a big present for both of us on our anniversary, and this is what we decided on this year. I am so excited. I have yet to sit down and read the directions. That’s probably coming this weekend. But when I do, watch out YouTube!

That’s right! You think you’re tired of reading about Georgia’s temper tantrums? Wait until I can whip out the camera and then upload them for your viewing enjoyment. Oh yeah, baby! Video Toddler Tales! It’s coming soon!

My 13 Favorite Appetizers

I must be PMSing, because I am thinking about food today. My friends and I will often go out to dinner, and just order a bunch of appetizers and share. This made me think what some of my favorite appetizers are. Here are my top 13 that I like to order just about anywhere.

1. Spinach and artichoke dip
2. Calamari
3. Potato skins
4. Mozzarella sticks
5. Stuffed mushrooms
6. Onion strings
7. Fried pickles
8. Chicken nachos
9. White queso dip
10. Crab Rangoon
11. Buffalo wings
12. Quesadillas
13. Pepperoni rolls

What do you like for a starter?





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Wordless Wednesday - Peace Out!

What's That Smell?

Today, Eric and I celebrated our 13th Wedding Anniversary. I was going to post a wedding picture, but since I hadn’t quite let go of my big 80’s hair (at all) by 1994, I decided against it. Our anniversary didn’t really go as planned, since we spent most of the day dealing with an emergency pee situation.

Yes, I said pee situation. For some reason, Eli thinks that just since he has a penis he can point the thing anywhere he wants and pee. Dude! WTF?! I am concerned this is only going to get worse with age. I dread the teenage years. Especially when beer and snow are involved.

This time around, it just involved anything that contains an open space. A receptacle, if you will. A drawer, for example, in my son’s mind is a perfect container for pee. He had this decorative little drawer in his room that wasn’t attached to anything – it was just a decorative little cubby that he had had since he was a baby. Yesterday, after it had sat innocently in his room for nearly five years, he decided to pee in it. Apparently it was so much more difficult to walk down the hall to the bathroom than it was to get the little cubby down from his dresser and pee in that instead. Again, WTF?!

Eli was very upset that we had to throw away his little cubby. We had a long talk about the proper place to urinate, and I thought that had solved the matter.

No such luck.

I ran some errands this afternoon, and came home to Eric saying, “Come here and tell me if you think Eli’s room smells like pee.” Oh crap. Well, yes it most certainly did smell strongly of pee. I looked around to see which receptacle-based toy looked suspicious. Aha! Georgia’s Little Tikes shopping cart. Dude! Are you freaking kidding me?! We looked inside, and sure enough. It was wet. We sniffed. Eeewww! Damn!!!

We are really going to see if we can get it clean because she loves that thing, and I really don’t want to have to go out and buy a new one. But even worse is that, as you can imagine, these toys are not meant to hold any type of liquid. The pee that was in the cart had leaked out all over Eli’s rug. Luckily, he has hardwood floors in his room, so we just have a big area rug down. When Eric picked it up, it was dripping . . . with pee.

Talk about counting to ten. I think Eric had to count to 100 before he went to get Eli. He had Eli help him throw the rug away, which really upset him, and another long talk ensued about the proper place to pee. Apparently, he is just discovering how easy it is to whip that thing out and aim it wherever he pleases. Not cool, people!!

So I'm really hoping this second long talk about the proper place to urinate will sink in. But just in case, I think I’m going to go hide all my shoes.

Manic Monday - Peace

One good song with a message can bring a point more deeply to more people than a thousand rallies. - Phil Ochs

There is one song that pops into my head when I think of the word Peace. I have a feeling I am not going to be the only one who posts this today. Enjoy!




Don't forget to visit the Manic Monday Headquarters at It's A Blog Eat Blog World.

BlogBlast for Peace!

It's coming!

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Peace Globes are back, people! I hope you all are planning to participate in BlogBlast for Peace on June 6, 2007. Please check out Mimi Writes for more information on how to get your Peace Globe.

Busted Rings

Okay, I got a lot of questions yesterday from people wondering exactly what Magic Rings were. And how someone managed to bust one of them at a Passion Party. As you can see from the above photo, Magic Rings are stretchy C-rings. They fit snugly around the base of the male . . . to constrict bloodfloow and make orgasms more intense. The nubbies also provide stimulation for the female.

In the words of Tony the Tiger, "They're Grrrrrrreeeeeatttt!!"

They are quite stretchy. However a woman at my party the other night decided to stretch them as much as she could and wear them around her arms. Dude! Not cool! Had I not shown them already at about 30-40 parties, they would have probably withstood her abuse. But as it was, I found out just how sad it is when your Magic Ring busts. Not. Cool.

Incidentally, my son has already gotten a hold of some Magic Rings that Eric left on his night stand and cut them up with scissors. For some reason Magic Rings seem cursed to take a lot of abuse around here.

Now my plug: Magic Rings are available on My Web site in a set of two for only $10 at PassionsByNeila.com!

I am also having a Father's Day special! A FREE 8 oz. Ultra Glide Lubricant to anyone who purchases a Gigi! That's a $14 value!

Happy shopping!

Late Night

Okay, I really make it a policy not to talk about the specifics of my Passion Parties, but I have to give you an overview of the party I did last night.

Drunk. Catholic. School. Teachers.

I got home at 2:00 a.m.! They were crazy! They were a LOT of fun, but crazy! When I got to the party, and the hostess told me it was going to be a group of Catholic school teachers, I was expecting prim and proper. I was soooo wrong. These women knew how to party. I seriously think they were one of my rowdiest groups ever. Grade school teachers!

Dude! They broke my Magic Rings! I won't even go there. Needless to say, it was a good party, but I am so tired today. Those Catholic teachers wore me out.