Love, sweet love

Saturday was the big day. We brought home our new baby. . .

In all honesty, we paid more for the Dyson than we paid to the hospital when I gave birth to Eli. What’s wrong with that picture? Hmmm . . .

But, that’s okay. For $450, I am in lurve with my new purple Dyson. We went to Kohl’s on Saturday, and Eric made one last ditch attempt to try to talk me into some Eureka thing. But I only had eyes for my Purple D.

Then Eric tried to get me to choose a Dyson that was $100 cheaper, but if I was going to spend that much money, I wanted the one with all of the attachments. This one sucks up pet hair, cleans upholstery, and pretty much does everything except change diapers.

When Eric started trying to talk me into the yellow one, I picked up this baby (there was a handle on the box) and carried it to the register.

I played with it all afternoon on Saturday!

When I vacuumed for the first time, the dirt on the floor looked like it was literally chasing the Dyson. It’s as if the dirt was too good to be sucked up by anything less.

And here’s the coolest feature. The hose is like a slinky. It compacts right up into the handle, but it is so long when you stretch it out, that I can set the vacuum at the bottom of the stairs, and the hose will stretch clear to the top of the stairs! Isn’t that awesome?! I can clean my damn stairs without having to carry the vacuum up and down with me! This thing rocks!!

I am in complete and utter bliss.

Return of the Orange Goblin

That’s right. The Orange Goblin (aka our new Hoover vacuum) is going back to hell on the horse it rode in on. Why, you may ask? Because the belt on the f*cking thing broke the second time I used it! Even the Bissell Powerf*ck lasted longer than that.

Buzzzz! Thank you for playing anyway, Orange Goblin. Don’t let the door hit you in your bright orange ass on the way out.

When Eric got home tonight, he actually started to lay partial blame on me. I’m sorry, what?

Oh, hell no!

You see, today’s issue started because the lovely Passion Parties office decided for whatever the hell reason to stop packing our shipments in air bags and instead pack them in Styrofoam peanuts. They’re not even the kind that our water soluble. They are the damn messy Styrofoam peanuts. I opened my shipment today, and the damn peanuts went everywhere. The fact that Eli was helping create a peanut rainfall was not helping.

I attempted to pick them up, but they easily break into about a million pieces, especially when there is a 4-year-old jumping all over them. So, I got out the new vacuum, and the old one so I could vacuum them up. Eli was commandeering the Bissell, and I had the Orange Goblin. After about two minutes, neither one of us had suction, and there were still about two million damn peanuts on the floor. I quickly discovered that both vacuums were clogged with peanuts. Now, I wasn’t just sweeping them up, I was using the suction hose on both of them. Clogged.

So, I unhooked the vacuums, and was attempting to dig the damn peanuts out of the vacuum. That’s about the time Eric came home. He said, “Well, what made you think you could vacuum them up?” Oh gee, I don’t know. How the hell are you supposed to get them up?! If my super powers hadn’t been acting up today, I could have just crossed my arms, bopped my ponytail and blinked the damn things into the garbage.

Eric just looked at me and didn’t know whether to yell back or turn around and leave. Luckily, he stayed, and helped try to scoop up the billions of peanuts, which of course left gazillions of remnants behind on the carpet. At that point they were small enough to be vacuumed up normally. So, I turned on the Goblin, and began vacuuming. I soon began thinking, “Well this damn thing is just as hard to push as that effing Bissell.” That’s when I looked down and noticed that the roller was not spinning. Oh, mother f*ck! Are you kidding me?!!
I screamed for Eric, and at this point, I do admit that I was about to step from crazy into maniacal. He got out his screwdriver, and took the damn thing apart, and guess what? The f*cking belt was broken after only my second use.

What did I do? I popped open a bottle of wine and sat down to watch Grey’s Anatomy, while Eric boxed up the Hoover so we can ship it back to Amazon. Do I care that we still have popcorn peanuts on our floor? No.

Why don’t I care? Because I’m getting a f*cking Dyson.

The Orange Goblin

Scroll down for Manic Monday.
Okay, I am going to try to write more about my new vacuum, despite the fact that my husband was yanking on my arm in an attempt to keep me away from the computer. I had to lock him out of the office so I could have a chance to blog about the new vacuum.

My hubby is desperately afraid he’s going to be attacked outside of our home by a group of angry bloggers, so we will see how far I get in this post before he goes downstairs to our breaker box and flips the switch.

From that intro, you can all probably guess that I did NOT end up getting my purple Dyson that I wanted so badly. I got a Hoover. It’s orange, and I have dubbed it “the Orange Goblin.” Here’s a picture:

Eric wanted to make sure you all know this purchase was a mutual decision. (He also promised me sexual favors to say that, but I digress.)

We went to several stores and we looked at all of the vacuums, then we got online and read reviews for every vacuum ever manufactured. Eric found every review he could from people who didn’t like their Dysons and didn’t think they were worth the money. (I think there may have been two or three of those.) He also found a couple of reviews that said for the price, the Orange Goblin was a great vacuum.

Okay, in that phrase, “For the price” is key for me. Eric seemed to skip right over that part. My last vacuum was a Bissell, which we paid around $100 for. At the time we bought that, I researched it, and it was a “good vacuum for the price.” Since I got to the point where I wanted to take it out in the backyard and set it on fire, that review didn't make me do a happy dance.

So, we have gone from the Bissell to the Hoover. Same price range – about $100, but with our Amazon coupon, I think it was $89, so, in the words of my husband, “That’s an even better deal!” (insert eyeroll from me here.)

I have vacuumed with it once, and it works. I still think I possess more suction than the vacuum, but I’ll save that story for a blog my parents don’t read.

I literally wanted a vacuum that was going to suck my carpet right off the floorboard. The Orange Goblin doesn’t quite aspire to that, so now my main hope is that it at least lasts longer than the Bissell Powerfuck. I’ll tell you right now, if the Goblin goes out before Christmas, I’m trading my husband in for a purple Dyson.