My Boobs Hurt!

I had my first mammogram today. I have heard horror stories about the damn things for approximately the last 20 years, and today I finally had one. I specifically remember the first time my mom had a mammogram and afterward, her explaining in vivid detail how they “squeeze your tit in a vice.” Yeah, that’s exactly what they do.

I’m telling you, I was nervous. VERY nervous. Except that everyone had told me that it’s much easier with women who have larger breasts. Apparently, women with small breasts have it bad because the technician has to pinch and pull you a lot more. I think this may have been the first time in my life that I was happy I have giant chabangas.

Anyway, I went to the imaging center, and the nurse took me back. I changed into my open-in-the-front gown and sat in the little waiting room. Right away, I was amused because they seemed to be going for that spa feel. Apparently, they think if you sit in a pastel room with Enya playing, you will calm down. Unfortunately, you could see right down the little hall into all of the rooms with the big vice-like machines. Plus, the women who come out of the rooms when they’re finished just look at you as they’re heading back to the changing room and say things like, “You’re next. Ha. Ha. Ha.”

Dude! WTF is that all about?! Not cool! Fucking sadists.

They finally called me in, and I felt a little better because the technician was very nice. Then I got a good look at the vice-like machine that would be squeezing the hell out of my boob. Yikes! The lady explained exactly what she would be doing and how the machine worked. Just when I was getting a little more comfortable with the idea, she said, “and then we’ll do this,” and the machine tilted diagonally in a very weird position.

In horror, I said, “You’re going to put my boob in that thing and twist it?!” She said no – they turn the machine and then put my boob in from the side. Okay, that’s still not good. I finally took a deep breath and we got started. I think I was still a little nervous because I couldn’t stop giggling. This woman probably thought I was a psycho. But if you can appreciate the absurdity of the situation when a tiny little woman is squeezing your boob and putting it in a vice while telling you a cute story about her niece – I’m sorry, it was funny!

All in all, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. But I am awfully damn glad I don’t have to do that again until I’m 40.